#3

[APS]

``Crits back for intelligent crits``
Ben Stivers
9/11/05

#3

I'm something a little less than perfect.
Such is the device we've come to carry in holsters reserved for high noon gunslinging beeline showdowns, rivalries portrayed in oil paintings, that not only sense with the times, but capture the essence of our descent into blended history.
Western culture tastes much less vivid than a pouch of sand, taken from hand to mouth.
And the ****ing grittiest bite haunts the plains,
Taken out into the desert to bleed out what remains of transition to a more modern utopic closed out era blinding floresence over mountain peaks, impasto sunsets, like you could take the colors out of the sky, and paint your own starscape.
Yeah, Monet is rolling in his grave, but less than barbarically cave painted tastes of art, you aren't Rembrandt, but rather his polar.
Progressively less dashing, and daring, and smart.
So spin the wheel, your car, or your vessel you take me out past the waves, seafaring lighted vagrant.
Sail out into that sunset.

[RollerQueen]

This sounds like a Cedric Bixler rant minus 80% unintelligibility. I'm going to anally excavate you for that offensively bad "pouch of sand" part, but the rest is much better. I'd give a better crit, but you're talking like you want to pet the rabbits, Lenny, and I'm about to shoot you in the head at the water's edge.

[DrownedThought]

Even though its politically driven and i dont agree with one bit of it. Its good, you kept focus on your subject and kept the theme fluent threw out. ill give it a 9/10. (I dont like political songs)

[APS]

It's actually about the time I had a spoon in the first place, but retained he was too much flashy, and returned it to put in the drawer.

[RollerQueen]

Yeah, man. You shouldn't jump to conclusions like that. You could end up in the hospital after getting hit by a car, secretly dying because of a hidden occlusion that the doctors somehow missed, and all your parents need right now is a small good thing to make it alright. I wish that baker would stop calling. It's really bothersome. Doesn't he have a heart? That stupid man, telling your parents not to forget you... Well, you're dead! Won't the baker leave you alone now??????????

[DrownedThought]

Wow, you guys remind me of that scene in Austin Powers 3 where Austin and his dad are talking Ye-old-english and you can't understand a word..

"?????????...then she shat on a turtle...?????????"

[xKONRADx]

i really like it. I HEART old school mxers.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Bump. I will crit you back on this, promise.

[TojesDolan]

Yeah, I've tried that trick a million times before. It never works. :p
Don't worry about critiquing me, I'm just a happy mofo who judges people by what they think, not what they look like. :D

I'm something a little less than perfect.
Such is the device we've come to carry in holsters reserved for high noon gunslinging beeline showdowns, rivalries portrayed in oil paintings, that not only sense with the times, but capture the essence of our descent into blended history.

uh... what? First read, this didn't make sense. At all. At no human rate possible was this understandable. On a second read, more focused, The straightforward talking-like style of the song was bearable, but I couldn't link at any rate the parts of the story. Especially considering it's about a bloody spoon. I'm not saying this isn't good, I just couldn't understand it (ignorant++)

Western culture tastes much less vivid than a pouch of sand, taken from hand to mouth.
,
OK I've never been a fan of swearing, but it fits in here, and the story starts to shape up a little. I see what's going on. much more descriptive in some crazy form. (uh, the swearing note is for the one under, I copied the stanza wrong :D)

And the ****ing grittiest bite haunts the plains,
Taken out into the desert to bleed out what remains of transition to a more modern utopic closed out era blinding floresence over mountain peaks, impasto sunsets, like you could take the colors out of the sky, and paint your own starscape.

Still on the fast talking, weird setting flow, which might work if sung, But it recquires quite sometime to understand if you're... well. Just reading it.

Yeah, Monet is rolling in his grave, but less than barbarically cave painted tastes of art, you aren't Rembrandt, but rather his polar.
Progressively less dashing, and daring, and smart.
So spin the wheel, your car, or your vessel you take me out past the waves, seafaring lighted vagrant.
Sail out into that sunset.

This is the best part, the only one I understood first read, and pretty much the coolest around. It flows very well, I liked it.

For what I can say about this, is that I found it confusing and rushed. It's not bad, I'm not saying that, it's just that maybe I'm way to bloody ignorant and can't take the reads first hand and understand them. In this particular poem, I felt the Bixler-situation as well, that sound s really good if sung, but if you read it and try to comprehend it, it just goes down the crapper, because it takes a long time to understand it, like good ol' fashioned poetry. At any rate, I can't suggest changes, as there are no major flaws to it, just the writing style I didn't like. And I only saw ONE reference to your first contact with the spoon. ONE. I don't know, I'm in the weird mood today. It's good, don't listen to me. :thumb:

Don't worry about critiquing mine, you can keep that safe with you. :)

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

The spoon thing was a joke. Sorry for the confusion.