In My Soul

[MidnightHysteria]

The fire burns before my eyes
My hands tremble in uncertainty
I can't control
I try to say what's on my mind
But it's no longer so clear to me
What's in my soul
Now I try to sleep without it
But I can't remember what that's like
It's been so long

I've known what you wanted
Since you tried to kill me that lonely night
But it doesn't matter
It feels like I'm already dead inside

The days slip by like mere minutes
A blink that takes an eternity
I cannot feel
The thoughts that I have within it
Always seem to somehow elude me
They're never real
Now I try to resurrect them
But I can't remember what they're like
It's been so long

I've known what you wanted
Since you tried to kill me that lonely night
But it doesn't matter
It feels like I'm already dead inside

Signal flares
Firing in the distance
I'm powerless in my apathy
Vacant stares
Just another hindrance
I'm paralyzed by their tyranny

Naked blade
Dripping with salvation
I'm pacified by your certainty
Still afraid
Facing condemnation
I pavidly face eternity

I've known what you wanted
Since you tried to kill me that lonely night
But it doesn't matter
It feels like I'm already dead inside
================================================== =

What do you think?

[TojesDolan]

Hello. Sorry If this critique is a little light, but I have a lot to review and not a lot of time, anyhow...

The fire burns before my eyes,
My hands tremble in uncertainty.
I can't control.
I try to say what's on my mind,
But it's no longer so clear to me.
What's in my soul,
Now I try to sleep without it,
But I can't remember what that's like,
It's been so long.

mmm... It starts off... with a lot of power, you know, with a little myustery here an there. It's a good introduction.

I've known what you wanted
Since you tried to kill me that lonely night
But it doesn't matter
It feels like I'm already dead inside

argh... A lot of cliché here. I dislike the "dead inside" thing, it's way to common-place. Anyhow, the first part of the stanza has a certain wit and black humour to it, so if you develop more that idea, It might come out better.

The days slip by like mere minutes
A blink that takes an eternity
I cannot feel
The thoughts that I have within it
Always seem to somehow elude me
They're never real
Now I try to resurrect them
But I can't remember what they're like
It's been so long

It starts off so marvelously, but the ending kinda kills it. The last lines feel a bit out of place, correct those, talk about the thoughts and continue developing that idea.

Signal flares
Firing in the distance
I'm powerless in my apathy
Vacant stares
Just another hindrance
I'm paralyzed by their tyranny

Naked blade
Dripping with salvation
I'm pacified by your certainty
Still afraid
Facing condemnation
I pavidly face eternity

Ah, much better. I liked this a lot more than the rest, it's still somber, but without being way to overbearing, or tiring. No complains.

My opinion: It starts too cliché (well, the middle goes cliché) so my recomendation is you kill the unnecesary verses, and tweak a bit your chorus, and the song will be much better. Sorry If I didn't help that much.

[Rayne264]

some of the song was really well written, but i think TojesDoLan pretty much covered it. I'd take his advice.

nice song none the less.

[MidnightHysteria]

Thanks for the suggestions, guys. I'll see what I can do. :thumb:

[MidnightHysteria]

First Revision
The fire burns before my eyes
My hands tremble in uncertainty
I can't control
I try to say what's on my mind
But it's no longer so clear to me
What's in my soul
Now I try to sleep without it
But I can't remember what that's like
It's been so long

I've known what you wanted
Since you tried to kill me that lonely night
But I'll never let you
I'd rather take my own life out of spite

The days slip by like mere minutes
A blink that takes an eternity
I cannot feel
The thoughts that I have within it
Always seem to somehow elude me
They're never real
Now I try to live without them
But I can't survive in their absence
I need their ghosts

I've known what you wanted
Since you tried to kill me that lonely night
But I'll never let you
I'd rather take my own life out of spite

Signal flares
Firing in the distance
I'm powerless in my apathy
Vacant stares
Just another hindrance
I'm paralyzed by their tyranny

Naked blade
Dripping with salvation
I'm pacified by your certainty
Still afraid
Facing condemnation
I pavidly face eternity

I've known what you wanted
Since you tried to kill me that lonely night
But I'll never let you
I'd rather take my own life out of spite

Any new opinions?

[MidnightHysteria]

*bump*


Anybody??