Apocalypse or Liberation?

[insaneflyingmonkey]

Okay, so the title was "inspired" by a line in a Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains song, but whatever. Anywho, another one of the creepy death and destruction songs that turns out to be one wild huge metaphor for _______.




Apocalypse or Liberation

This is the Age of Despair,
we choke to death on the black air.
As the darkness filled our lungs,
these were the songs we sung.

Can't you feel it getting closer now?
You can't escape him anyhow.
You dug the deepest hole,
So dark you can't see your soul.

As the sun turns dark from bright
We forge our own light
And the fires that we built
Will surely burn us all.

Our bodies burst into flame
We chose to live our lives this way.
As the darkness filled our lungs,
these were the songs we sung.



Filled with cliche and (fecal matter), I'm sure. But hey! That's why its a good ol' C4C, right?

[factor46]

I actually enjoyed the wording you chose to use. Very vivid. As for the secret metaphorical meaning, I haven't a clue, except maybe it could be about a betrayal by a girl? Eh, I don't know. It's a good song though. Nice read. :thumb:

[TojesDolan]

This is the Age of Despair,
we choke to death on the black air.
As the darkness filled our lungs,
these were the songs we sung.

mmm.. Starts off a little clichéd... I don't know, the age of despair... sounds a bit odd, but maybe helps the overall feeling of the song. who knows,.

Can't you feel it getting closer now?
You can't escape him anyhow.
You dug the deepest hole,
So dark you can't see your soul.

Much, much better stanza dude. It keeps the idea, but certainly develops the idea given in first place. no changes I can think off.

As the sun turns dark from bright
We forge our own light
And the fires that we built
Will surely burn us all.


the last line seems a little... odd. Maybe there's a void at the end, a word or two to make an asonant rhyme would do.

Our bodies burst into flame
We chose to live our lives this way.
As the darkness filled our lungs,
these were the songs we sung.

The bodies burst into "flames", I liked how the first idea returns and all. Very good. Except for the first stanza with the clichés, I enjoyed this. Very good.

[insaneflyingmonkey]

Thanks for the good comments. Anyone else?

[Sloth]

I can't say much more than Dolan has said..I have the same reaction/s pretty much. Especially the reactions regarding the first stanza. Sorry I can't be very helpful... I'll be sure to give a better crit on a different piece of yours...

[ozzfest05]

it doesnt show meaning very well it all works its just the song seems like it doesnt give u any real explanation to portray itself, seems pretty vague and the despair black air seems outta place, the overall theme isnt portrayed to well like u were trying to be very vivid and not detail it enough

[Oleg]

As for me I don't like this kinda stuff. Sounds kinda gloomy and morbid. There's enough **** in this world. You'd better start writing something positive to make a difference. Sorry pal. No hard feelings. It's just my opinion.

[panthersfan16]

#1 this has to be made a lot longer, so that the lyrics will make more sense.
#2 If you wanna do this song any justice, scream the lines in italics
#3 What you do have is pretty good, except the first stanza
#4 And the fires that we built, will surely burn us all=awesome
keep workin, flesh this one out, its got major potential

[ToxicFerret5489]

This is the Age of Despair,
we choke to death on the black air.
As the darkness filled our lungs,
these were the songs we sung.

This is okay stuff. The rhymes aren't teriffic and the imagery isn't particularly original or special, but it starts the piece off well enough.

Can't you feel it getting closer now?
You can't escape him anyhow.
You dug the deepest hole,
So dark you can't see your soul.

Errrr... the first line is pretty awkwardly worded. If it were 'cant you feel it getting closer' it wouldnt be great but it would flow better. I think maybe something along the lines of 'I feel it getting closer now' might work better. 'You dug the deepest hole' seems to be a syllable short but it could be sung so that it doesnt matter.

As the sun turns dark from bright
We forge our own light
And the fires that we built
Will surely burn us all.

I'm not positive I get the sun turning to light from dark. Maybe the sky, but not the sun. The rest is pretty solid, and I like the last two lines.

Our bodies burst into flame
We chose to live our lives this way.
As the darkness filled our lungs,
these were the songs we sung.

Actually a very solid ending here I think.

Basically there are several places where the flow seems a bit off, but other than that I like this piece. I bit of tinkering and it could be rather nice indeed. Check out mine if possible, it's called 'we wait for the earth to thaw'.

[insaneflyingmonkey]

Thanks for all the tips and suggestions folks. You've all been a tremendous help. Oh, and the metaphor was for modern life and society. But, if you interpret it as about girl troubles or drug addictions or whatever, that's cool too.

@Oleg: I can appreciate if dark lyrics ain't your "cup of tea," but I feel if the world around me is dark and bad, then I shouldn't bury my head in the sand and sing happy songs. But, I can appreciate where you're coming from.