Pain paints a Mask

[epihasi]

This is another Death Metal song, with acoustic parts and clean vocals, aswell as growls and screams...


She stands in the falling rain
As if it were her robe
Long hair disguises her face
Like the night disguises the day

A gown designed by death
Draw back the lines of the creator
Pain has painted a mask
To hide my failures

The mist covers her in silence
And I stay motionless
Then the sun shows it's face
As if the light appeared only for her

It's cold this morning
A silhouette I search in pain
Your voice takes me higher
If I could only breathe

Death paints me a mask, to hide behind
I scream at my creator
Woken up and blessed with life
Bury myself, the traitor...

All crits highly appreciated!

[Pavlo]

Long hair disguises her face
Like the night disguises the day Bad simile, never heard of night disguising the day... infact most people think the night is beautiful because of the stars, and it would make no sense to have something beautiful disguise something also beautiful.
Insted I would put "like darkness disguises the night" because most people worry about the darkness and their fear prevents them from seeing the night's beauty. Also by saying that you would get alliteration with similar "d" sounds infront of darkness and disguises.

Draw back the lines of the creator having trouble understanding this line;


The mist covers her in silence
Somewhat of a cliche personification

It's cold this morning
A silhouette I search in pain
Your voice takes me higher
If I could only breathe
There are 3 ideas in this stanza
1.the cold morning
2.the missing silhouette
3.being unable to breath

Its to compound and the lines dont piece together, I suggest you eliminate 2 of the subjects and describe the other one more, or create a seperate stanza about each.

Death paints me a mask, to hide behind
I scream at my creator
Woken up and blessed with life
Bury myself, the traitor...
I like the ending