Blasphemy

[DrownedThought]

EDIT: Revamped now :)
-----------------------------------------------
-Blasphemy-

What is the meaning of life?
We all search for our salvation,
Whether the gods are involved or not,
Have you found your dam-nation?

You plead your confession,
Please, give up all your dirty habits,
Forgive me of all of your sins,
Now, who directs your worship?

Don't preach your religion to me,
It doesn't cleanse my soul,
Your face ain't on the crucifix,
So why, Should I bless a hypocrite?

Quit baptizing my head,
I can't believe your messiah,
Start accepting this truth,
I don't know who you pray for,
but god sees nothing in you

How do you live with blasphemy?
Is it a disease you can medicate?
Swear yourself onto the bible,
hey look, it's another fable

Cease disgracing with my saint,
I can't see the belief in your messiah,
Begin believing the truth,
Not knowning who you kneel before,
My god has forsaken you

Can't you hear me lament?
Keep abusing your amens,
Explain the services of church,
with all your tithes and such,
Writing your scriptures in tongue,
Tell me, have you had your fun?

Stop acting as my medium,
Where is your messiah?
Reclaim thy truth,
I understand who you are now,
But who's your Hallelujah?

[MidnightHysteria]

This may work for a Tool-type song, or black metal and maybe hardcore, but I think if you're going for straight-out rock-'n-roll or something else, you won't find too much of an audience who appreciates these lyrics. The only serious crits I have are that 1) The first stanza rhymes, and this would lead the listener to expect that the others will too, although most of them do not and 2) When you start what I assume is the second chorus with "Seize", I believe you mean "Cease". There's only a subtle difference in pronounciation, but it's a bigger difference in meaning.

[DrownedThought]

This might be one of my lyrics where i need to explain the songs meaning, i usually dont do that but eh.

This song is a rock and roll song and the lyrics isn't politically motavated or against the church. The song is about how my dad used the christian religon to mask the truth about his drinking and gambling problems for his work and family. I believed he was changed but i found out that wasnt the case, he still yelled and did the things that made my mom leave him before. This is song is basically about him being a hypocrite.

I would atleast like a nice crit for this song.

(^^^Thanks for my mispelling.)

[DrownedThought]

I changed some of it with Midnight's advice. Thanks Midnight, it makes the song look better to me.

[DrownedThought]

People hate me. /emo


Honestly tho why is no one giving me feedback.

[TojesDolan]

Oh, ****, please, dude. Don't use that word. (e.m.o) It's banend from this part of the forums and it's quite disgusting, and Subtledagger can close your thread because of this. Anyhow:


What is the meaning of life?
We all search for our salvation,
Wether the gods are involved or not,
Have you found your dam-nation?


Good intoductory stanza. Sets the mood for the overall song (I hope) And I see no reason to call this anti-church or political, at least not so far.

You pled your confession,
Please, give up all your dirty habits,
Forgive me of all of your sins,
Now, who directs your worship?

Another question would fit, or maybe completing the idea on the primary question. This is good, just felt incomplete at the end.

Don't preach your religon to me,
It doesn't clense my soul,
Your face aint on the crucifix,
So why, Should I bless a hypocrite

Great but some grammar might help to make it look better. :D


Quit ****ing with my head,
I can't believe your messiah,
Start accepting this truth,
I don't know who you pray for,
but god sees nothing in you

I dislike a lot the use of swearing on a song, or any kind of poetry. There a hundred other ways to show disgust or anger, and you chose the most vulgar. Try to word that better. The rest is fine.

How do you live with blasphemy?
Is it a disease you can medicate?
Swear on the holy bible,
and wave yourself goodbye

Not my favorite. It's well worded, but for some reason it doesn't click.

What are you trying to be?
Just living to prove,
Are you exploring the light?
While I breath the ash off the cross,
How far will you go?
Will you discover?
Define your version of will

The last lines suck. I'd take the away or correct them, there's an excess of

[DrownedThought]

Thank you ill take your comments in mind, when you say last lines did you mean the bridge? or the last chorus? (I don't know if you notice but the chorus are different everytime)

[TojesDolan]

Yes I noticed, Indeed, but the last lines I was referring to were How far will you go?
Will you discover?
Define your version of will

Those.

And yes, the chorus changes, but the cursing must really go, it ruins the poem itself.

[DrownedThought]

ok, thanks im rewriting as i speak. Ill post my new version soon.

[greenblinkz]

It has good lyrics. It reminds me of the song 'Heresy' by Nine Inch Nails

[DrownedThought]

There got done rewriting it... I think its alot better, specially the bridge.

[DrownedThought]

BUMP, I just want one more crit, since i rewrote it. I want to know how it is now.

[coheneran]

Right, I'll go through this and correct the spelling and point out anything in the song which doesn't seem to make sense at third glance.

What is the meaning of life?
We all search for our salvation,
Wether the gods are involved or not,
Have you found your dam-nation?

*Whether* not 'Wether'. 'Dam-nation' is spelt that way for censorship reasons I presume.

You plead your confession,
Please, give up all your dirty habits,
Forgive me of all of your sins,
Now, who directs your worship?

"Forgive me of all of your sins"? You want HIM to forgive YOU of HIS sins? Or, if I go through it as a translation, could it mean "I'm sorry for your sins" aka "I pity you for your sins"?
"Now who directs your worship?" The Bible/God/Priest or alcohol? Makes perfect sense, I like that line. In fact, I like this whole stanza.

Don't preach your religon to me,
It doesn't clense my soul,
Your face aint on the crucifix,
So why, Should I bless a hypocrite?

*Religion*,*Cleanse*,*Ain't*(if you're gonna use it, at least use an apostrophe). This whole stanza seems to be straight-forward.

Quit baptising with my head,
I can't believe your messiah,
Start accepting this truth,
I don't know who you pray for,
but god sees nothing in you

The first line doesn't make sense, are you sure you don't mean '...baptizing my head'? Again, pretty straight-forward stuff, 'god won't accept you so it's no use praying to him' etc..

How do you live with blasphemy?
Is it a disease you can medicate?
Swear yourself onto the bible,
hey look, it's another fable

'How do you live with this lie, Is there something that makes you feel better about it? Try to prove your honesty, You're still lying' etc.. Simple but effective stuff. I think you think 'fable' means 'lie'. A fable is a story with a moral to it, a universal truth.

Cease disgracing with my saint,
I can't see the belief in your messiah,
Begin believing the truth,
Not knowning who you kneel before,
My god has forsaken you

Wow, you've done this very cleverly. I was trying to work out the meaning of this stanza and then I realized it's exactley the same as the fourth one. I like this chorus technique. Excuse me while I copy it ;).

Can't you hear me lament?
Keep abusing your amens,
Explain the services of church,
with all your tithes and such,
Writing your scriptures in tongue,
Tell me, have you had your fun?

A 'tithe' is "One tenth annual produce of land or labour taken by the church as tax". I don't think they do that anymore. This stanza doesn't make much sense as a whole, but the lines do on their own, but this flows very well and has a nice assonance. This stanza is for 'techincal' purposes isn't it?

Stop acting my medium,
Where is your messiah?
Reclaim thy truth,
I understand who you are now,
But who's your Hallelujah?

Do you mean '...Acting as my medium'? 'Reclaim thy truth' doesn't seem to fit in with the context of the stanza very well, is it another 'flow device'? The rest of the stanza does make sense.

All in all it's a pretty nice song, and it looks like you put a ton of effort into it, and it shows. Even though you deny it, this song does kinda seems like a criticism of christianity, which I respect and admire.
8/10

[DrownedThought]

thank you :) I am a christian by the way.

[coheneran]

a christian? then i want your opinion on something.
The Bible teaches, essentially, the following phrase:
Eternal suffering awaits those who question God's infinite love.
And I can prove that. And how can God be vengeful AND merciful? If you ask me(which you should), Christianity is two-faced, the Church's hierarchy is made up of powerhungry double-thinking priests, and the general Christian community are sheep.
But, mind you, the same goes for Islam and Judhaism.
Eran :)

[MorstNaring]

I believe a 'entity' can be vengeful and merciful at the same time just as much as i believe in the worlds vast accumulation of paradoxes are not 'fallacies'. Hope you get where im coming from.
Although i should state i am not a christian

[DrownedThought]

Well i dont go to church because i cant trust any of them and I get kicked out everyone for my beliefs of different things. I do agree the church is a place of corruption. I also say im christian just because that is the closest thing you could "label" me. I believe people use religion most of the times to justify who is right and who is wrong. I normally don't trust religion however I do believe in God.

[metaliq]

Rather than using something that *closely* resembles your beliefs, why not be blatent?

You are not a Christian. A Christian is one who accepts Jesus Christ as their Lord and savior.

You may believe in God, but that doesnt matter. Satan believes in God.

You are a Theist. A blind Theist, but one none the less.

Note for coheneran: You are speaking of the Catholic church, not the Christian faith. So to say that Christinity is two-faced is a blind assumption based upon a branch that most people do not consider Christian.

So yeah. Um. I really didnt find much in the song that stood out to me. Sounded like a rant that was blatent and to the point. I like imagery and such.

Please crit this: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=391898

Thank you.



edit:
"And how can God be vengeful AND merciful?"
God is loving and just. You have the free will to chose to love Him, but he is obligated to not allow sin in His presence. Thus, He is a just God, but merciful because he allowed you a way to redeem yourself. Where are you getting 'vengeful' from?

[DrownedThought]

Don't tell me of my beliefs and can a mod shut this thread down? Its going to spark into a war.

[metaliq]

I wasn't telling you your beliefs. You told us yours, and I made an observation and corrected you.

It wont spark into a war. You offered an offence and, in return, I offered a defense.

If you are civil enough to handle such subjects there will be no war. If you are weary of discussing something such as this, dont write a song about it.

[DrownedThought]

I have accepted Christ in my soul. I dont consider myself christian because i dont like to be labeled and I dont agree with religion.

[metaliq]

Then why would you write a song that attempts to deface Jesus and God if you were as you claim to be?

Unless you titled the song "Blasphemy" because that is what you are speaking the entire time.

"I can't see the belief in your messiah,"
"Where is your messiah?"
"I can't believe your messiah,"

Hmmm. Interesting predicament.

Also, on a gramatical note; you included many unnecessary commas that do not belong there.

The "comma goes where ever you take a breath" myth is false.

[DrownedThought]

I said what the song was about, It's about my dad making himself look like the perfect guy. WHen he drinks, curses, and only considers himself the one and only. He buys dozens of bibles and has one in his hand infront of his co workers and friends to make himself look like a changed man. I believed he was until he went back to where he was. He chooses not to listen to anyone but himself. This song does NOT point hate/blame to a religion but only to my father.

P.S. I put commas where the line ends.


EDIT: Notice how I put YOUR messiah instead of THE messiah.

[metaliq]

I usually do not read other people's responses to the song (besides the one I replied to).

I read the lyrics and made my assumptions from those. I guess if that is what your intention was, I did not see it in any way from the lyrics. I would recommend, personally, that you attempt to clarify that. It's your song so you decide if you want to make any hints and what not.

So if you would crit my song that would be amazing. No one ever crits on here anymore. I miss the old days.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=391898

Thanks yo. Appreciate it.

[DrownedThought]

I usually dont tell people the meaning of my lyrics. You interput (sp?) them the way you want. For the sakes of not getting banned, I had to say what it was about so people didn't think i was ranting to the church or some other religion.

[coheneran]

Rather than using something that *closely* resembles your beliefs, why not be blatent?

You are not a Christian. A Christian is one who accepts Jesus Christ as their Lord and savior.

You may believe in God, but that doesnt matter. Satan believes in God.

You are a Theist. A blind Theist, but one none the less.

Note for coheneran: You are speaking of the Catholic church, not the Christian faith. So to say that Christinity is two-faced is a blind assumption based upon a branch that most people do not consider Christian.

So yeah. Um. I really didnt find much in the song that stood out to me. Sounded like a rant that was blatent and to the point. I like imagery and such.

Please crit this: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=391898

Thank you.



edit:
"And how can God be vengeful AND merciful?"
God is loving and just. You have the free will to chose to love Him, but he is obligated to not allow sin in His presence. Thus, He is a just God, but merciful because he allowed you a way to redeem yourself. Where are you getting 'vengeful' from?

Point taken, the 'merciful/vengeful' bit is a crap argument, but I stand by my other one. Christianity and all its sects and branches teach the Bible(more or less), and the Bible teaches that, as I said, "Eternal suffering awaits those who question God's infinite love"(aka "I will make your life a living Hell if you don't think like me"). In fact, the first thing drilled into a new Christian's mind, be it child or convert, is that any doubt in God's love or wisdom, any argument, no matter how reasonable, just or sane, is the devil working against God. This is the best possible defence mechanism, because once a believer has it firmly instilled in his mind, there's no changing it under any circumstances. Bill Hicks said it best:
"The first thing an indoctrinated Christian is taught is not to EVER question his own faith. No matter how sound an argument is supporting another belief, or debunking existing beliefs, the strength of the argument is proof positive of its evil origin."
Bill Hicks.
Surely if a person was so sure of their belief they could argue it. Not just shut their eyes and close their mind.

That's the last you'll hear from me on this subject(in this forum anyway), as I have no further arguments(aka I don't want to be banned).
See you in another forum.
-Eran

[coheneran]

Then why would you write a song that attempts to deface Jesus and God if you were as you claim to be?

Unless you titled the song "Blasphemy" because that is what you are speaking the entire time.

"I can't see the belief in your messiah,"
"Where is your messiah?"
"I can't believe your messiah,"

Hmmm. Interesting predicament.

Also, on a gramatical note; you included many unnecessary commas that do not belong there.

The "comma goes where ever you take a breath" myth is false.


In poetry, the comma goes wherever the author deems it necessary.
What you're saying is the equivalent of telling Van Gogh he can't use spirals to draw the night sky. Poetry is to essaying what woodcarving is to tree-chopping. It's an art and the artist has full control and full say over his/her piece, and no one can correct technical errors because there are no technical errors.
-Eran

[metaliq]

That faith you speak of is called blind faith. You can question your own faith if you wish, but it is infalliable so in the end you would find yourself wondering why you ever questioned it. So isnt the best option not to question? I was never taught that I shouldnt question it. Odd?

Also, I noted that a few places with commas made the piece read funny, thus the commas were deamed unnecessary. But if he wishes for choppyness, be it so. This forum is for criticism and such should be welcome.

[coheneran]

Oooh, guess what.
A new piece inspired by DrownedThought, his piece and this discussion. Please check it out, it's called Soul Sermon for now, but I'm thinking of replacing 'soul' with something slightly punkier. Unfortunately Religious Vomit is already taken.
God Bless those Dead Kennedys.
-Eran