Crash

[Sloth]

:wave: Hey cruisers :wave: .. I haven't posted anything for a little while, but no need to be hopeless, I'm still here.. haha
I won't admit it's block, but I haven't been able to write anything lately...But...this seems to be my new tendancy...I watched a movie, liked it, and wrote about my feelings and ideas that I had throughout the movie. In case you're wondering what I watch, it was "Crash." It's ****ed up, but good.
I couldn't think of a better title, at least not now.. So I'm taking the lazy way out and calling it "Crash" because I wrote this right after watching that movie...enjoy :thumb:


-_-
“Crash”


Sometimes, like tonight
I feel like Atlas,
Wearing the weight of a wicked world
So dark,
That the lightest wrong seems right.
We choke and we fight just for fun
Not doing things that need to be done
And it feels like-
God is just
Breaking my toes.
One by one by one
Then smiling, cynically
He tells me to run.
So spare me the eulogies,
And save me the lullabies
I don’t want to hear it.
Until today turns to
A lighter shade of gray
I think it’s insane.
To see, how much can
A person can change in a day?
How are the rich broken
And how do the poor learn pride?
Why do I think that God feels?
Does he feel like this?
Standing and judging
With idle hands
I throw the world away.
-_-



Anyyy whooo.... I actually like this a lot for not really writing lately.. I would love any comments about this.. cheers :chug:

[TojesDolan]

Yeah, Sloth is here! I have something good to review. I'm always wanting to find a bad poem by you! :p I haven't found any, and Maybe I will never find one. Anyways... I liked the title.

Sometimes, like tonight
I feel like Atlas,
Wearing the weight of a wicked world
So dark,
That the lightest wrong seems right.

mmm... the lines, although weirdly metered, fit perfectly, and the overall reading experience feels complete. A good starter, as always.

We choke and we fight just for fun
Not doing things that need to be done
And it feels like-
God is just
Breaking my toes.

Completes what has been stated in first place, and gives it continuity. Nice.

One by one by one
Then smiling, cynically
He tells me to run.
So spare me the eulogies,
And save me the lullabies
I don’t want to hear it.
Until today turns to
A lighter shade of gray
I think it’s insane.



I didn't quite get the first three lines, and why the "one by one by one" line. I have this thing in my mind, about this person telling you tu run, but I can't imagine what's being told piece by piece, hence by one one. Other than that, no complains.

To see, how much can
A person can change in a day?
How are the rich broken
And how do the poor learn pride?
Why do I think that God feels?
Does he feel like this?
Standing and judging
With idle hands
I throw the world away.

In the firswt two lines, you can cut out a "can", either the first or the second one, and there would be absolutely no issue with the flow and overall meaning. In the fourth line, I don't know really how can "this" be changed for "that", and it'd fit better, just to add to the flow, I guess. Maybe it's the asonant rhyme with pride, I don't really know.

Overall, as always, the best around. No major complains, and a great read. :D

[factor46]

I actually have that movie sitting on my counter right now. But I haven't bothered to watch it. So I won't know how to compare this piece to the movie, but oh well.

Basically, this song is nice. I liked it. Nothing really absolutely gorgeous, and nothing bad either. The beginning was well-written and flowed nicely. But then when you start talking about how you feel like God is kinda screwing you over or something. Though while you're talking about that, you do use some nice wording. So I can commend you for that. :thumb:

Overall, this was a good song, and I'm glad I read it. Keep writing, and I'll keep reading. :D



And thanks for the comments on mine.

[insaneflyingmonkey]

“Crash”


Sometimes, like tonight
I feel like Atlas,
Wearing the weight of a wicked world
So dark,
That the lightest wrong seems right.

Beautiful. Struggling to make any further comments. Perfect.

We choke and we fight just for fun
Not doing things that need to be done

This rhyme seems childish, I don't like it. It just doens't "work," y'know?

And it feels like-
God is just
Breaking my toes.
One by one by one
Then smiling, cynically
He tells me to run.
So spare me the eulogies,
And save me the lullabies
I don’t want to hear it.
Until today turns to
A lighter shade of gray

Not bad. God breaking toes seems awkward at first but gets better each time a I read it.

I think it’s insane.
To see, how much can
A person can change in a day?

Okay, I guess.

How are the rich broken
And how do the poor learn pride?
Why do I think that God feels?
Does he feel like this?

I like these questions better then the first one ("how much can/A person can change in a day?").

Standing and judging
With idle hands
I throw the world away.

Nice ending, I like.




Overall, quite nice. The few negative comments I had was just me being picky because this is such a nice piece. Thumbs up!

[Sloth]

thanks for the comments guys.. yeah, after rereading it myself, I noticed a couple little wording issues..but thanks for pointing that stuff out..
Oh, and Dolan, those three lines that you got messed up on, "one by one by one, etc" are supposed to go along with God breaking my toes...


anyone else?

[Sloth]

bump

[Lowridenn]

Sometimes, like tonight
I feel like Atlas,
Wearing the weight of a wicked world
So dark,
That the lightest wrong seems right.
We choke and we fight just for fun
Not doing things that need to be done
And it feels like-
God is just
Breaking my toes.
One by one by one
Then smiling, cynically
He tells me to run.
So spare me the eulogies,
And save me the lullabies
I don’t want to hear it.
Until today turns to
A lighter shade of gray
I think it’s insane.
To see, how much can
A person can change in a day?
How are the rich broken
And how do the poor learn pride?
Why do I think that God feels?
Does he feel like this?
Standing and judging
With idle hands
I throw the world away.

Hmm... I'm not too sure what I think right now. I like the opening metaphor, Atlas, interesting. The fun/done rhyme, ehh, it's no good. It's not only because of the rhyme, the lines themselves are akward and the rhyme between them sounds wrong because of it. I'm not too fond of the God breaking toes idea, and the questions seem rather blandly worded (I'm not claiming to have the ability to word them better, just stating what I think). The ending is alright, but needs some formatting to be more dramatic.

Overall it needs some work. I've seen better from you and hope that this will assist you in your "block".