Russian Roullette

[Love2Lust]

This is something shorter I recently wrote up, and its kinda rare to get something short from me (as those who have read some of my others will know)... Anyways its heavier than the stuff I usually work on, but crits are very welcome (post a link or tell me names and i'll crit yours...)

This isnt complete, as you will see, and it reads awkward I have to admit, but its how the music will flow, so no worries. But again C4C...have fun. (In-depth crits are VERY appreciated!)

Thanks!

R.R. (russian roullette)

Burning,
the village to ash,
She saw,
every flash,
bombs blew,
burned the flesh,
starting again,
lives to bless,

Inspiring the mass,
corrupting the posterity,
Ask about the past,
receive your own story,

You burnt the lives,
shred the faith,
a book on fire,
a blackening flame,

Black wings rise her high,
but by morning there is no life,

Ask her name,
she'll give a smile,
Death a name she has for now,
chaos carnage temptations flare,
death makes each life a dare,

tell truth or except your fate,
**** those who stand in my way,

Burn the posterity,
on a stake,
they'll never know the debt they take,
Risk life on a single bullet,
chances are you'll be the one to pull it,

[delmarindy]

I liked it, thought of System of a Down when I looked at the title...I would definately like to see it finished, keep up the good work

[TojesDolan]

I thought of SOAD as well... :(

Anyhow, this is the first song that actually ignites some form of attention to me, at your work. I don't know why I didn't like the other songs... I wasn't in the mood, maybe?

Anyhow:

Burning the village to ashes,
She saw every flash,
bombs blew, burned the flesh,
starting again, lives to bless,

You can cut that down to 4 lines, and the flow wouldn't be at all hurt, nor the presentation gets slaughtered. The ash could be plural to make more sense... the second line could use a "grenades" at the end, and the rest seems alright.

Inspiring the mass,
corrupting the posterity,
Ask about the past,
receive your own story,

I didn't like the rhyme... I don't know. No flaws, but it wasn't that good either.

You burnt the lives,
shred the faith,
a book on fire,
a blackening flame,

Black wings rise her high,
but by morning there is no life,


That's much better, no complains.

Ask her name,
she'll give a smile,
Death a name she has for now,
chaos carnage temptations flare,
death makes each life a dare,



I didn't like the sudden change of subjects... I don't know, too plastic.

tell truth or except your fate,
**** those who stand in my way,


I hate the swearing, when not necessary, it's just repulsive and adds nothing to the song in here, really.

Burn the posterity,
on a stake,
they'll never know the debt they take,
Risk life on a single bullet,
chances are you'll be the one to pull it,

... It didn't surprise me or anything, but at least you took your shot on the war/femme fatale subject. It's alright, not too good, neither to bad. Just in the middle. Keep working on this anyway.

[Love2Lust]

i plan to thanks guys...

yeah Tojes, my work is usually something u gotta be prepared to read about haha.

Origannly the intro was all together, I changed it so it felt more like an intro other than coming in on a verse, you see. But initally it was just how you wrote it!

I use profanity in alot of my songs just to throw readers, most songs dont use it, so I like to just to be little bit more 'there' if you will, I am always glad to change it though, I personally find swearing to sometimes disrupt song flow if inappropriately used. So I completely understand what you mean.
if you have a decent suggestion for that spot, I'd be glad to use it...if it flows haha.

Oh and it wasnt too much of a change of subjects, more of a change of perspective, simply giving the theme/topic whatever a persona if you will. But I gotcha! haha

Other than that thanks guys...and system of a down really?...awesome haha! Most of my stuff turns out all punk-core (I dare not use the word 3m0) and I was hoping for a little different.