Hello There - My first song in nearly a year, please crit

[delmarindy]

So it's been nearly a year since my last song was posted here, and since then, I've done a lot of experimenting and maturing as a song-writer and as a person. Looking at songs from over two years ago, and seeing where I am now, I've progressed a lot. So now, here is my song, "Hello There", please read and give me your opinion... Think blues

Hello there, good sir
Where have you been?
Where did you go?
You know we've missed you
In your absence, good sir
We've questioned and been perplexed
By enigmas and science
The birds and the migration
The flowers and bees
And the blossoming trees

Enter insturmental part for a bit

And yet one wonders
Of the perplexities of life
Why we crumble, and why we change
Why not stay the same?
But at the same time, why not change?
Change brings risk
Indifference brings none
Teach us, good sir
The way of life
The philosophy, the science
And bring us into the future

[TojesDolan]

Hello there, good sir,
Where have you been?
Where did you go?
You know we've missed you.
In your absence, good sir,
We've questioned and been perplexed,
By enigmas and science,
The birds and the migration,
The flowers and bees,
And the blossoming trees.


mmm... good stanza. I liked thw way it's simplistic, but it kinda fits in the situation, like when you say "holy crap, what's up". Anyhow, for a more objective reason, I like how the action is centered in a person, but at the same it can be strange. If that didn't made sense...

And yet one wonders
Of the perplexities of life
Why we crumble, and why we change
Why not stay the same?
But at the same time, why not change?
Change brings risk
Indifference brings none
Teach us, good sir
The way of life
The philosophy, the science
And bring us into the future

Everything is fine, but I had trouble with the flow of the last two stanzas... atad bit weird. You know, it doesn't work, for some reason.

[delmarindy]

I agree with you on those last two stanzas

I couldn't come up with anything

[Archimedes]

Did anyone else see a British man in a nice suite just walk into their mind?

It was decent, I think the flow of the last three or so lines needs to be reworked. I'd also suggest making it a bit longer, but this is probably a more instrumental oriented piece.

Overall, solid job.

[Sword2020]

It was alright, no obvious problems, but outstanding parts either. Maybe it sounds good to music, but I see it as plain vanilla. Anyway, thanks for the crit you gave me, you're right about that song, it's not that good, though I might be able to pull it off with perfect instrumentals, though we'll have to see.

-Sword

[Pavlo]

good sir - the name "good sir" feels distanst... I suggest you use a name more personal name that shows change, like placing the word "Mr." before a childhood nickname. Or you can do "Mr. Ree" :P but thats lame.


The birds and the migration
The flowers and bees-birds and migration are not like Flowers are to bees, its a bad anology... you could say "the birds and the trees" and eliminate the last line in that stanza.

perplexities - thats not a very melodious word :P

As for the overall meaning : it sucked.... just kidding I loved it :P , its very personal and nestalgiac [which i often am].

[delmarindy]

To Pavlo:

Good sir is supposed to be distant, as in, it could be anybody you know

The birds and migration, flowers and bees are not supposed to be analogies, just things I've wondered about through my life, a representation of curiosity

Perplexities isn't much of a melodious word, but this is a blues song, so I can get away with that

[delmarindy]

bump