"Sunshine"-Crit for Crit

[Syncratic]

Well, I just wrote this......It's a song based in fact.

Sunshine

The addition, the fitting in,
the alien environment.
Another sand, another chance,
blissfully invisible.
You like what you see,
gotta have what you need.
Spare no alternative,
no measure too extreme.

(Chorus):
Obliviously insolent,
Wallo in indifference.
Bask in the sunshine of your ignorance,
a predator of blind consequence.

Try to fool, rid all suspect,
Won't be you, they won't detect.
Succumb to greed, whet the appetite,
Evil thoughts, a loathing eye.
You force your hand, tighten the bind,
defile the body and the mind.

(Repeat Chorus)

All there will be is attempt,
never above suspicion.

We can see you,
We can see you,
We can see you,
We can see you.

No longer blinded by the sunshine.

Please leave some comment on it, thank you! :thumb:

[ThePatient]

I like it. The chorus and the second verse are the highlights for me. And the last line adds a nice touch to it too.

[Syncratic]

Thanks.....

I dunno how I will go about singing this, I'll just have to play around with vocal styles.

[Dried Muffin Remnants]

The chorus is definitely the most witty/clever part of your song. I like it... It's not overdone and seems like it could be accompanied well with music.

Kind of a bland title, though.

Good luck.

[Syncratic]

The title's the nickname of the person I wrote it about.

Long story.

[Heartcore]

Well done, It's a great song! The verses and chorus are really good! They're so well put together! Hope to see more of your songs later :)
What genre did you plan for this song?

[Syncratic]

I'm hoping for a progressive feel, with some old and new influences thrown in.

[amp7325]

I really like this song, a lot. I dunno why, I just really like the line "blissfully invisible." Both assonance and consonance. The imagery in this whole song is great, and the message is very clear.




If you don't mind, could you crit my song The Perfect Stranger?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=381645

[TojesDolan]

I eluded this poem a lot because I hate the titles that say c4c. I'd rather get it stated in the post itself, but oh well.

OK I liked this song, but this part seemed odd:

Succumb to greed, whet the appetite,
Evil thoughts, a loathing eye.

The last line seems a little awkward and out of place. I'm sorry if I'm not helpful, it's just really that good. Or I'm not paying enough attention because of the novocaine... which effects are fading already.