My first words... my last words

[Thrash_Guitarist]

this is a piece I wrote, not knowing whether to seperate it into two songs, it's far from complete, but I'd like some suggestions! (This is intended to be a ballad, then thrash song)

here it is:

it was not by chance
that we met
upon first sight I knew
a love so very true

I never could have known
a love greater
than you have shown

when I look upon your face
and I plead don't turn away
I can't hold you in my arms
still I hold you in my heart

and as I lie asleep tonight
your light still shines so bright
you opened the window to my soul
and you made my spirit whole

(spoken)
and as a child speaks
it's first blessed words
such is my love
and nothing can ever take it away....


or so I thought

darkness covers
shattered window of my soul
blinded by emptiness
now that you're gone

now I lay here alone
with more pain
than you could have known

and I will speak my last words

I sought to be free
but you imprisoned me
I'll never live again
due to your merciless sin

may God forgive you
as I have done
so many times before
I said I loved you
but I can't take your love anymore

[Pavlo]

:O I think it should be made into 2 different songs, not because of the length, but because theres no 1 idea/concept but rather multiple themes.

[Thrash_Guitarist]

thanks for teh reply, I'll keep that in mind

[DrownedThought]

it was not by chance
that we met
upon first sight I knew
a love so very true

Very nice. I like the semi-ryhming. This is a good starting verse.

I never could have known
a love greater
than you have shown

Ok now this is "iffy." First you shouldn't of used "love" again, so soon. Use "aura", instead.

when I look upon your face
and I plead don't turn away
I can't hold you in my arms
still I hold you in my heart

This verse gets somewhat generic.

Here is what I suggest:

I trip into your eyes
pleading don't turn away
I can't caress you with arms around
but my heart holds thee above ground

and as I lie asleep tonight
your light still shines so bright
you opened the window to my soul
and you made my spirit whole

It should be "lay" not "lie"
and take out "so" in the 2nd verse.

(spoken)
and as a child speaks
it's first blessed words
such is my love
and nothing can ever take it away....
or so I thought

Good.

darkness covers
shattered window of my soul
blinded by emptiness
now that you're gone

Used "soul" too many times.
"Shattered window on outlook"
^^^Use that line instead, or rewrite your own with "soul" out.

now I lay here alone
with more pain
than you could have known...
and I will speak my last words

"Known" has been used before so it kinda messes the verse up. Also, the way it is used sounds kinda forced.
My rewrite:
I lay all alone
With the pain before
Your cure is killing me...
I'll tell of my pardoning words

I sought to be free
but you imprisoned me
I'll never live again
due to your merciless sin

VERY forced on this verse.
My rewrite:
I found the freedom
in which you given me
I won't live the same
Remembering the days of the old

may God forgive you
as I have done
so many times before
I said I loved you
but I can't take your love anymore

Good except the last line "love" was used again.
"But that describes nothing anymore"

--------------------
The song overall was somewhat average. There was good and bad.

Leaving the song like this 7/10
Taking my rewrites and advice- 8.5/10

I did enjoy reading your piece tho. :)