The lights

[TojesDolan]

mmm... I don't know. I had this thought for the song yesyerday, while I was in a roof, pretty much doing nothing (having a beer, eating cup noodles, having some ice cream) and I was a little uncomfortable about something. I stared at the stars... and pretty much all that was worrying me felt so insignificant. Why not make this a song? Anyhow, I present you my last baby. Enjoy and destroy it.

The lights

Lying. Quiet.
Thinking about the means,
the purposes and the facts,
I look at the stars,
shining proudly in the skies.

Like diamonds in a velvet scarf,
They share their beauty
and inborn wisdom,
I search for answers,
a pattern of their insight.

Not even a whisper
from the stars I obtain.
the night is silent.
The winds of autumn,
drifting the clouds,
disturbing the harmony,
of this peaceful hours.

All of the sudden,
like hasty summer rain,
a vibrant light,
crossing the skies,
wakes my reveries,
and restores my faith life.

It was the lights.
The lights of Orion.

For a second there,
I was lost, I was found.
It was everything to come abound.
The gods had sent me a missive,
so swift I couldn't cherish.

Oh, abrupt happiness,
feed the hunger in me,
heal my wounds,
suffice my ignorance.

Just to see again my light,
my light from Orion,
I would give my last breath,
my sight, even my life,
to get a glimpse of her again.
Just one more time.
One...

I don't know about the last one, may seem a little odd. THanks, I'll double crit/always crit when I see your stuff, so making any kind of mention in my threads give you a for sure crit when you do anything. For today it's all.

[Pavlo]

I look at the stars,
shining proudly in the skies.
These 2 lines break the flow because it splits the meaning of your first stanza into 2:
1.Struggle for the truth
2.beauty of the stars.

Since your second stanza goes on to describe the stars more vividly why dont you make the first stanza:
Lying. Quiet.
Thinking about the means,
For the purposes and the facts,
I turn to the stars.




Like diamonds in a velvet scarf, Ive never been near anyone rich enough to see a velvet scarf with diamonds.... I doubt many people have, so this line might "scare off" any listeners.


Not even an echo - a whisper, a lull, or a murmer would be better than an echo because they describe the smallest units of human voice, where as an echo can be noisy.

drifting the clouds, even though clouds are out at night, most people asscociate them with blue skys... the setting you set up is night time.

Just a few things that I thought ruined the flow...keep working at it, and it'll help to rewrite different versions.

[MidnightHysteria]

Unlike Pavlo, I actually liked some of your more surreal imagery (such as the diamonds in the velvet scarf). The only problem I'm having with it is that the flow varies so much from stanza to stanza that in my head, I can't really hear this as a song.

[Sloth]

I just black dotted your ***!

[factor46]

This was a marvelous piece. It had such a poetic feel to it, and I love that in a song. I liked your "scarf" simile too. It's hard to come up with those sometimes, but it looks like you might've been in a creative mood. :thumb:

Anyways, the only thing I can think to complain about is the part in your third stanza where it talks about the autumn winds and the clouds and stuff. You had a really good nighttime, breezy, dark imagery going until I read those lines. Autumn brings a red-skied, calm image to mind, and clouds bring a summery-blue picture. Which kinda ruined what you had going. But you got back on track. I hope I'm making sense. lol. Other than that, this piece was very nicely written, and I'm glad I took the time to read it. :D Nice job.


And thanks for the comments on mine.

[insaneflyingmonkey]

I also didn't really like the "scarf" similie, mostly because the whole stars/diamonds comparisson is kinda cliche, think about the children's song, "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star," y'know... the one line... "like a diamond in the sky," kinda similar, don'tcha think?

Anyways, after the first read, the rest seemed good.

[TojesDolan]

OK, thanks a bunch... Now I'm in a crossroad and I don't know what to do with the scarf situation. Any other... you know. Comment? :D

[Sloth]

Lying. Quiet.
Thinking about the means,
the purposes and the facts,
I look at the stars,
shining proudly in the skies. oh wow, I do that whenever I see stars or the moon... Nice opening.


Like diamonds in a velvet scarf,
They share their beauty
and inborn wisdom,
I search for answers,
a pattern of their insight. also nice.. I like the first and last lines the best. For some reason "inborn" doesn't feel right for me. I can't explain it. Sooo, ignore what I just said.


Not even a whisper
from the stars I obtain.
the night is silent.
The winds of autumn,
drifting the clouds,
disturbing the harmony,
of this peaceful hours. 'this peaceful hour' or 'these peaceful hours'.... nice stanza though. I like the idea of something silent breaking your peace and waking you up..


All of the sudden,
like hasty summer rain,
a vibrant light,
crossing the skies,
wakes my reveries,
and restores my faith life.
Love this! great stanza.. :thumb:


It was the lights.
The lights of Orion.

For a second there,
I was lost, I was found.
It was everything to come abound.
The gods had sent me a missive,
so swift I couldn't cherish. nice idea.. but this isn't as strong as the rest of the piece. I think you should rewrite this stanza working around the last line....that's the best part of this stanza..


Oh, abrupt happiness,
feed the hunger in me,
heal my wounds,
suffice my ignorance. 1st two are great... last two let it down.. I especially didn't like the last line..it just didn't fit well at all


Just to see again my light,
my light from Orion,
I would give my last breath,
my sight, even my life,
to get a glimpse of her again.
Just one more time.
One...
smooth finish.. For me, it wraps the whole idea, the whole piece, up very nicely.. Overall- this is a solid piece, but there are a couple spots that need a little more attention.. And as for your dilema with the scarf simile, I like it.. Soooo, just listen to Factor and I.. haha :thumb:

[factor46]

Fo-sho! :lol:

[TojesDolan]

Good, then it stays that way. :D

Thanks a lot, d00ds, it's been helpful.

[TojesDolan]

bumpth.

[twelve34]

I think the song is dope, you gonna put it to some music?

mmm... I don't know. I had this thought for the song yesyerday, while I was in a roof, pretty much doing nothing (having a beer, eating cup noodles, having some ice cream) and I was a little uncomfortable about something. I stared at the stars... and pretty much all that was worrying me felt so insignificant. Why not make this a song? Anyhow, I present you my last baby. Enjoy and destroy it.

The lights

Lying. Quiet.
Thinking about the means,
the purposes and the facts,
I look at the stars,
shining proudly in the skies.

Like diamonds in a velvet scarf,
They share their beauty
and inborn wisdom,
I search for answers,
a pattern of their insight.

Not even a whisper
from the stars I obtain.
the night is silent.
The winds of autumn,
drifting the clouds,
disturbing the harmony,
of this peaceful hours.

All of the sudden,
like hasty summer rain,
a vibrant light,
crossing the skies,
wakes my reveries,
and restores my faith life.

It was the lights.
The lights of Orion.

For a second there,
I was lost, I was found.
It was everything to come abound.
The gods had sent me a missive,
so swift I couldn't cherish.

Oh, abrupt happiness,
feed the hunger in me,
heal my wounds,
suffice my ignorance.

Just to see again my light,
my light from Orion,
I would give my last breath,
my sight, even my life,
to get a glimpse of her again.
Just one more time.
One...

I don't know about the last one, may seem a little odd. THanks, I'll double crit/always crit when I see your stuff, so making any kind of mention in my threads give you a for sure crit when you do anything. For today it's all.

[Hutch306]

I agree somewhat with Pavlo about the scarf issue. It didn't scare me off, but it got me off-track. I had to stop and think of what a diamond velvet scarf would look like. But when I had its image in my head, I loved the use of it in the poem. Other than that, good job!

[Sword2020]

That was pretty good for a poem. To me, I couldn't really imagine it set to music, though I'm sure you found a way. Anyway, it's not my style, but there were no laring problems. Sorry for the short crit, but that's all I have to say on it. Thanks for the crit,

-Sword