Some poems I wrote..

[Hunny_Bunny]

Well yeah basically the title says it. I wrote some poems and was wondering what people though of 'em...

Point of information - Most of my poems aren't titled so suggestions would be cool.

First one:

Drown.
I'm drowning.
Drowning Like a Murmaid.
A murmaid that cannot swim..

Drowning in my tears.
These tears I cry are black,
Black from my mascara,
Black from my dark soul.

I'm suffocated.
Feel like I'm living in your body,
Feel like you're overtaking me,
I'm drowing in your love.


Drowning in your love.
This love I feel is red,
Red like the blood I bleed,
Red like the Smudged lipstick on my lips.

I'm craving.
Craving to break free,
Craving to get out of your heart,
I'm drowning in this crave.

Drowning in this crave.
This crave has become a drug,
A drug for thoughts,
A drug for memories.

Remembering.
I'm remembering the past,
Thinking of the life I had before,
These thoughts and memories have become an addiction.

I'm drowning like a mermaid. A mermaid attempting to escape you heart..

Second one:

Come hide.
Come hide beneath my wing,
Come hide and you'll hear my soft voice,
As I sing.

I want to protect you.
I want to hold you.
Come hide,
And this war,
You won't have to go through.

Come sleep.
Come sleep beneath my wing,
Come sleep beneath my wing,
And my warmth will keep you safe,
I promise I'll sing.

I want to kiss you.
I want to hug you.
Come sleep,
And from this pain,
I'll cure you.

Come cry.
Come cry beneath my wing,
Come cry beneath my wing,
And my warmth will dry up your tears.
Don't worry, I'll sing

Come bleed.
Come bleed beneath my white wing.
Come bleed beneath my white wing,
And don't you worry my dear,
I'll clean.

Come hate.
Come hate beneath my wing,
Come hate beneath my wing,
At who ever did this to you,
I'll scream.

Just please don't hurt me.
I promise I'm on your side,
If you stab me in the back,
My warm wing,
Will freeze,
My heart freezing with it.

There are tons and tons more.. So when I feel up to it, I'll post them..

Thankies! :D

[Pavlo]

Something about the second one drew me in, probly the warm repetition....
I didn't like the first one one bit, too fragmented and too abstract. Also it reads as though you rushed it: wrote it in 1 day.... As for the second one it looks like you were in a hurry to finish the last stanza.

[Hunny_Bunny]

I spend about 10 minutes on all my poems.. I actually find that if I put too much effort into poems.. they come out with too many rhymes. And I don't particularly like that..

[Pavlo]

:S you'll never write good poetry unless you spend more time on it.... not even the best poets could express their thoughts on the first try. Not sure if you heard of Billy Corgan, but he was lead singer of the smashing pumpkins back in the 90's and I consider him to be one of the greatest writers. He admits his success was because he spent months on each song perfecting the lyrics.

As for rhyme, don't use it if you don't like it...but for the sake of expressing yourself reread, revise, rewrite

[TojesDolan]

OK, bucko (or honey, whatever your sex is) A few things before you heat up your writing engines:

1. READ THE RULES, ONLY ONE SONG PER THREAD.
2. ONLY ONE THREAD PER DAY, DON'T GET ALL EXCITED.
3. I'll do one for mere courtesy reasons. :D
4. Rember to critique other people's work in order to get some reputation and better responses.
5. Welcome to the forums, hope you have fun, and enjoy this trip we've all set sail into. :)

Drown.
I'm drowning.
Drowning Like a Murmaid.
A murmaid that cannot swim..

mmm... Overly repetitive and pretty much doesn't set the idea for what the poem should become into. I don't know about this, maybe it'll get better with the reads...

Drowning in my tears.
These tears I cry are black,
Black from my mascara,
Black from my dark soul.

The repetition gets boring by the second stanza. try to spice up what you write, add a lot of words, make it live, give it a life of it's own, I don't know. something around that line.

I'm suffocated.
Feel like I'm living in your body,
Feel like you're overtaking me,
I'm drowing in your love.

For instance, when I read this stanza, and this would be the second time I see drown, I wouldn't complain, as there's some kind of flow between ideas in the first and the overcoming stanzas, but by this point, with all the repetition, it gets boring and you can see it coming,. Despite this theme is very, overly used (girl loves boy) I think you give it a good aspect and form of seeing it, you know, the overall relationship thing.

Drowning in your love.
This love I feel is red,
Red like the blood I bleed,
Red like the Smudged lipstick on my lips.

Again, not a lot f ideas, pretty much a lot of the same, again, and again and again. I enjoyed the lips thing, though. very sexy.

I'm craving.
Craving to break free,
Craving to get out of your heart,
I'm drowning in this crave.

Drowning in this crave.
This crave has become a drug,
A drug for thoughts,
A drug for memories.

Remembering.
I'm remembering the past,
Thinking of the life I had before,
These thoughts and memories have become an addiction.



Again, and again...

I'm drowning like a mermaid. A mermaid attempting to escape you heart..

Good last line, Overall I think there's an excess of repetition of the ideas, if it wasn't so excessive, or so overly tiring, I'd like it, as you write good stuff. On the other hand, A lot of what you write seems to be about this certain boy, so your writing can also be focused on this particular "person". Anyhow, You do write som good stuff, just cut out on repetition, will you? :D

As I stated, I'm impossibilitated to review the other one, as it's illegal, and even this review shouldn't have happened, but I gave you a chance because you're new. No exceptions next time. Peace, Love, empathy.

[Hunny_Bunny]

OK, bucko (or honey, whatever your sex is) A few things before you heat up your writing engines:

1. READ THE RULES, ONLY ONE SONG PER THREAD.
2. ONLY ONE THREAD PER DAY, DON'T GET ALL EXCITED.
3. I'll do one for mere courtesy reasons. :D
4. Rember to critique other people's work in order to get some reputation and better responses.
5. Welcome to the forums, hope you have fun, and enjoy this trip we've all set sail into. :)



mmm... Overly repetitive and pretty much doesn't set the idea for what the poem should become into. I don't know about this, maybe it'll get better with the reads...



The repetition gets boring by the second stanza. try to spice up what you write, add a lot of words, make it live, give it a life of it's own, I don't know. something around that line.



For instance, when I read this stanza, and this would be the second time I see drown, I wouldn't complain, as there's some kind of flow between ideas in the first and the overcoming stanzas, but by this point, with all the repetition, it gets boring and you can see it coming,. Despite this theme is very, overly used (girl loves boy) I think you give it a good aspect and form of seeing it, you know, the overall relationship thing.



Again, not a lot f ideas, pretty much a lot of the same, again, and again and again. I enjoyed the lips thing, though. very sexy.



Again, and again...



Good last line, Overall I think there's an excess of repetition of the ideas, if it wasn't so excessive, or so overly tiring, I'd like it, as you write good stuff. On the other hand, A lot of what you write seems to be about this certain boy, so your writing can also be focused on this particular "person". Anyhow, You do write som good stuff, just cut out on repetition, will you? :D

As I stated, I'm impossibilitated to review the other one, as it's illegal, and even this review shouldn't have happened, but I gave you a chance because you're new. No exceptions next time. Peace, Love, empathy.

Oh yeah, sorry sir, I forgot to read the rules.. I promise to only write one next time.

I'm Honey by the way.. A girl, in other words.

Thankies for the advice.. Very muchly appriciated..

Will crit other people stuff as soon as I find it.. :o