The Doctrine

[factor46]

New song. Please critique. :D



The Doctrine

And under the ceiling, we held each other close,
Nothing compares to the sight of love.
But who would’ve guessed we sat so far apart?
I guess we can wait our turn.

So sing me a song,
We’ll dance until sunrise.
Like a lullaby for the lovers.

And I see you,
You and your perfect eyes.
Like a forest of pine, set ablaze.

So tonight I’ll close my eyes and pretend you’re mine,
Nothing like that butterfly feeling.
But who would’ve guessed it had come from you?
Taking grasp of your hand, we’ll walk for miles.

[Pavlo]

But who would’ve guessed we sat so far apart?
This line threw me off track, you mentioned they held eachother close a few lines earlier and now time laps occurs. Im assuming its abstract for "who would of guessed we would of ever been together".

So sing me a song-cliche



Like a forest of pine, set ablaze. Beautiful yet fierce? Find a clearer metaphor.

So um yeah :P, it was decent. Keep up the good work and if your doing abstractions make sure they relate to your meaning.

[TheycallmeFuzzy]

very emotional. you probably wrote this for a girl, and if you did A. if you just wrote this, then B+

[TojesDolan]

And under the ceiling, we held each other close,
Nothing compares to the sight of love.
But who would’ve guessed we sat so far apart?
I guess we can wait our turn.

A non common start for the song, which I must say I liked. It kinda makes you think "wow wtf" and pretty much catches the attention. The strange "maybe we, maybe we didn't" also is something I really liked, the starting idea is cool as it is.

So sing me a song,
We’ll dance until sunrise.
Like a lullaby for the lovers.

... And!?!?!?! This stanza has great potential, just add something to the idea. Maybe "Until our legs give in to the pain" or something like that (rushed idea++) to encourage the dance thing. A little cliché, indeed, but give it a little extra to enforce it.

And I see you,
You and your perfect eyes.
Like a forest of pine, set ablaze.

Good, no complains, I guess. :D Just change the word for "perfect" use a color or something. It'd realyl help.

So tonight I’ll close my eyes and pretend you’re mine,
Nothing like that butterfly feeling.
But who would’ve guessed it had come from you?
Taking grasp of your hand, we’ll walk for miles.

The second line needs a couple extra words for teh "butterfly feeling". Maybe in the hands, or something to do with your belly, I don't know. Add something there. Good stanza.

I liked it, despite being a little cliché here and there it works, and I'm in the girly mood, so yeah. :thumb::thumb: :D

[Sloth]

And under the ceiling, we held each other close,
Nothing compares to the sight of love.
But who would’ve guessed we sat so far apart?
I guess we can wait our turn. Solid start.. Starting a piece with "And" is usually a dangerous idea to work with, but you do a really nice job here. I like how you contradict yourself too..That too is usually a bad idea, but again, you do a nice job here.


So sing me a song,
We’ll dance until sunrise.
Like a lullaby for the lovers.

And I see you,
You and your perfect eyes.
Like a forest of pine, set ablaze. first two lines aren't that great...and like Dolan said, it feels like you should add something to that...But overall for those two stanzas, they're good and they have great imagery..



So tonight I’ll close my eyes and pretend you’re mine,
Nothing like that butterfly feeling.
But who would’ve guessed it had come from you?
Taking grasp of your hand, we’ll walk for miles. fffffffffffffffffantastic ending.. I love it..

0verall- work on those middle triplets, but other than that _________________________________________(insert my usualy reaction here) :thumb:

[factor46]

Well, thank you. To all of you. I greatly appreciate your feedback, and I will crit your guys' stuff right away. :D

And to fuzzy, yes, this was written for a very special girl. Thanks.



Anymore?

[insaneflyingmonkey]

And I see you,
You and your perfect eyes.
Like a forest of pine, set ablaze.

I love, I love, I love this!!!! Last verse is also excellent, and the rest is only FANTASTIC!!! All the same kinda short, but most of your work is like that, so all is forgiven.

Beauty, man. :thumb:

[factor46]

Thank you very much.

[amp7325]

For the most part, this song is good. If you sing it with a lot of emotion then it will be very powerful.

Some of the lines are a little bit cliche, like:

"So sing me a song,
We’ll dance until sunrise.
Like a lullaby for the lovers."

Those are the only lines that I think could use a little work. They're just a little overused in general. But honestly, if you think they work, you can make it work. Only if you believe you can though.... if you get what I'm saying, I'm not even sure I do. :p

If you don't mind, could you crit my song The Perfect Stranger? Thanks
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=381645

[factor46]

Sure thing. :D Thanks for the crit.

[factor46]

Bump.