"The Seven Moons of Symmetry"

[Up The Irons]

hey all, these are the first lyrics i've posted here. i wrote them about 2 months ago and i'm pretty satisfied with them. tell me what you think:

“The Seven Moons of Symmetry”


I. “I Was Told Of A Distant Place”

I was told of a place far from here; I was
I was told a tale of love, hope, and loss
I was told that there was no other way
I was told of a place

It had golden seas of wonder
It had forests of emerald hope
Sing to me the wonders that the deep wind carries
My unsafest sanctuary

I was told a tale of fate and corruption
Of euphoric bliss to ashes carried by the wind
I was told never to look a man in the eye
I glanced, and the old man grinned

He sung to me a familiar tale
Of happiness and greed and a broken trail
I saw him there
I saw him there

I saw a distant horizon
One I had travelled beside
The sun descended as they rose
The Seven Moons of Symmetry

II. “The Seven Moons”

One for the Sorrow
One for Desire
One for the Wonder
One for the Ego
One for the Wisdom
One for the Envy
One for Departure

The Sorrow lay upon the surface of Symmetry
Yet it creeps down to the roots

Desire may lie beneath the surface
But it manifests itself above

The Wonder lay deep below
The evolution lay within its deepest seed

The Ego of mankind lay deepest within the Symmetry
It calls to every man in its luring seductive charm

The Wisdom and knowledge lay well benath the surface
It holds many a secret of which, may not be unveiled

The Envy holds a prominant layer
Withheld with much regard

Departure: it creeps from within
It gets the soul of every man: it hides

III. ”Departure From Symmetry”

I was told of a place far from here; I was
I was told a tale of love, hope, and loss
I was told there was no other way
I was told of a place

I was blinded by the ever glowing light
I was told of another way
I was told there was something else out there
I was told of another way

There was a path I could travel by
There was a light I could folow
I could find no other path
For I was blinded by the light

I dared to step outside
I dared to sing a song of my own
I dared to tell a tale of myself
I dared to depart from Symmetry

I now I stare at the Moons in wonder
And I stare alone

[Up The Irons]

no one has anything to say?

[DrownedThought]

Its really repetitive, the lines are good by themselves but when put together it gets annoying. Unless you're planning on singing in a certain style that would let it fit, i would re write alot of the repeated parts. Its kool if you have one stanza where its like that but im only suggesting one if you can make the other part of the song make up for the repetivness...other than that nice job :thumb:

[TojesDolan]

Considering it's epicness:

I. “I Was Told Of A Distant Place”

The second stanza, last line, feels a tad bit incomplete. add something there to complement. It's enticing, and the overall idea feels... wonderful. I shall keep reading. The idea of the moons is lovely.

II. “The Seven Moons”

Instead of just giving one word, describe what they do, and don't put the word, for instance: moon of ego: There's a moon that recalls the self, the ever loving love for the person itself, what she belongs from, and who she praises, has nothing to do with it's sages" Or something like that, don't make it too obvious.

EDIT: I see you did that, just erase the first ones, and add more to the description,.

III. ”Departure From Symmetry”

I don't know. I'm still waiting for the part where there's A war between the moons. where is the action?¡ WHere are the mages and a character to fill in?

It's a good idea, just needs a lot, a LOT of development. Cheerios. :D

[MidnightHysteria]

You need to develop the idea of symmetry some more. You keep acknowledging its presence, but there doesn't really seem to be any demonstration of it. I recommend running with Tojes' idea and putting some more characters and some plot into another section between sections II and III.

[Up The Irons]

thanks guys

yeah, i knew the repetition would be a little much, thats i little habit i have.

TojesDoLan: very helpful, man, thanks. i will revise them right now. i especially like your advice for the scond part. i think ill have an age old war among the moons in explained in another part.

any other help is welcome as well

[Up The Irons]

You need to develop the idea of symmetry some more. You keep acknowledging its presence, but there doesn't really seem to be any demonstration of it. I recommend running with Tojes' idea and putting some more characters and some plot into another section between sections II and III.

yeah, you guys are right. when writing these, i was more demonstrating a theme more then a plot, but i like the ideas.

i can tell this needs a lot of revising :p