'Me versus the colonel' Crit for crit

[Crimsonpunk]

A little background....
This is a song about my crappy job at kfc where I have to get up stupidly early every day, hence the title, and all that other stuff people generally write about concerning 'falling in line', and the like, also, some pretty random stuff, the parts that aren't really lyrically sound have been added to achieve a sort of rock//rap sound, but not in the nu-metal way. Any crits//suggestions much apreciated...


V1
I asked for a task, to make the days seem short and sweeter
Now I rise before the sun, and I sing before the birds
I asked for a little bit, a pitiful split, a trivial, withered miniscule hit
Of whatever elixir It was you were so high on, but no-one heard

v2
I needed to breathe your poisoned air, before I condemed it
Now I hang from a rotted rope, scrabble at knots, while I choke
I concede to defeat, now I bleat like the weakest sheep, follow the herd up a creek,
And ask no questions, smell the blood, and blindly follow my nose

Chorus 1
Step back, theres a crack in your act
leave through the back, with the facts still in tact
These lies are fire and they will keep you warm all through the night
So return and burn in turn,
Eternally, and unconcerned
Your ignorance is stone, and it will keep you safe all through the night

Chorus 2
Keen to sleep, but for me that means bad dreams
Peace at least, knee-deep in the unforseen
These lies......
Shake more when i'm awake
Mistake to wake in the first place
your ignorance....

[Crimsonpunk]

Bump

[Crimsonpunk]

Doo doo, dee doo

[XemoXmoshXpitX]

I like your style, rhyming more than twice in a shorter pattern. If you weren't going for rap, I'd appreciate it more, but it's not so bad.

I liked how you didn't come out and say "KFC sucks" and you wrote it with a general idea that others can relate to.

In V2, I think the word "creek" is a bit out of place. Maybe just cut out that phrase after the comma? And in Chorus 1, "all through the night" is a little weird being used twice, though I didn't catch it until my second read. I don't know if your closing to Chorus 2 ended on a high note either. Overall, you did a sincere job. 8/10

I have some songs posted recently, but you don't have to crit all of them. I put three in one thread.

[Crimsonpunk]

Tank you, anyone else??

[me and I]

What's THe idea to write a song about your job I mean who cares?

But if we forget about that... the story moves on nicely and your rhymes are good. yeah and the sh.it flows too :thumb:

I like it. nothing in it made me feel sick so I'm letting you go easily. I don't have much critic here but maybe someone else will give you the critics you need :cool: : )

anyways I liked it.

if you bother take a look of my work. they are total amateur sh.it and I haven't paid too much attension on them. just give me your honest opinion if you will.

[Crimsonpunk]

Cheerz for that. I suppose I just needed a subject to write about, and i MAKE people care, thankyou very much, tanks for the crit anywayz.

[factor46]

I'm not too fond of bumping songs up from the 3rd page, but since you were kind enough to comment on my song, here ya go. :thumb:

Despite the randomness of the theme of the song, it was fairly well written. I can't comment too much on it, just because it's so far from my style of writing and the genre of music. But I can see it being a catchy song for what it is. It flows good and it's worded decent. Nice job.

[Prince of Darkness]

I liked the chorus?yah...

[Crimsonpunk]

Cool, cheerz for those. Just to clear up any confusion, this is an acoustic song, by 'rap' I just ment the delivery of the words.