A song my friend wrote im posting it for him

[freshcream]

I’m goin through this once again
My brain feels like needles & pins
Lost again in the midst of something nice
Feels so good; but im cold as ice

Time’s almost empty
And the money’s all gone
It sure looks tempting
But I know its wrong

Sweet day dream
Don’t pass me by
Sweet day dream
Don’t leave me behind
Sweet day dream
Sweet day dream

crit away

[whatisititisit]

1) Too short needs more versus
2) first stanza could have been worded much better as its pins & needles not needles & pins, doesnt always have to rhyme aslong as it still flows into the song nice concept though.
3) didn't like the cold as ice bit too plane and an overused concept in famous songs, reminds me of MOP lol
4) the sencond line in stanza two has no relevence just filler really, but i like the last two that relate to the chorus.
5) chorus is abit plane needs a bit of jazzing up.

if this is a first its not bad needs alot of work though but an overall original concept so i like it, never seen this idea done before of a day dream about a fantasy, but one you shouldnt be thinking about...

pz. (if possible crit my first lyric, poem im making into a song possibly)

[freshcream]

thanks, ill email him your crit.