I am

[Contagion]

Yeah I’m running off the rails
I’ve finally gone crazy
And the ground is spinning faster than my teeth could ever grind
I know it’s a shame when success does complain
But I don’t remember my name
In the absolute wrong I have made this place to lay my head
A reoccurring nightmare
I never trust I never rest
I’ve become another victim of this self-serving device
My **** does all the talking, my mouth now just for lie
I’m winding down to nothing
It’s suddenly so clear
I’m winding down to nothing
A human smoke that fills the air
What can you believe?
That is the question
I have you on a string
Something yet up my sleeve
Bury me deep, as I have an unborn child
In a world yet cold enough to host this seed of endless ugliness
In a sea of corruption, a wake of lie so wildly I have stirred
I’m winding down to nothing
It’s suddenly so clear
I’m winding down to nothing
A human smoke that fills the air
What can you believe?
That is the question
I have you on a string
Something yet up my sleeve
My love is but a lie
Always reaping what I have sown
I’m taking you down with me
To degrees you’ll never know

Thanks in advance for the crits.

[Contagion]

c'mon

[Sloth]

Yeah I’m running off the rails
I’ve finally gone crazy not very strong of a start.. I actually didn't want to read the rest after seeing that... but I did


And the ground is spinning faster than my teeth could ever grind great line.. that's a really cool idea.


But I don’t remember my name
In the absolute wrong I have made this place to lay my head
A reoccurring nightmare
I never trust I never rest that was uncomfortable to read.. I had to read it a couple times, mainly the second line. You need to be more clear on some things.. Like the absolute wrong..


I’ve become another victim of this self-serving device
My **** does all the talking, my mouth now just for lie
I’m winding down to nothing
It’s suddenly so clear
I’m winding down to nothing what is the self-serving device? If you don't show what you mean later in the piece, this leaves the reader confused.. The last three lines there aren't bad.. good use of repitition


A human smoke that fills the air
What can you believe?
That is the question
I have you on a string
Something yet up my sleeve using human as an adjective is a sweet idea.. this part is pretty solid.


Bury me deep, as I have an unborn child
In a world yet cold enough to host this seed of endless ugliness
In a sea of corruption, a wake of lie so wildly I have stirred I couldn't find any sense of flow here.. The lines were different lengths and the last line needs to be reworded. It doesn't make sense.


I’m winding down to nothing
It’s suddenly so clear
I’m winding down to nothing
A human smoke that fills the air
What can you believe?
That is the question
I have you on a string
Something yet up my sleeve Sooo, is this a poem or a song with no structure?


My love is but a lie
Always reaping what I have sown
I’m taking you down with me
To degrees you’ll never know the first two lines are terribly cliche.. And of course you'll reap what you sow! The last two lines are the darkest part of the piece.. I like that idea of ending on a low note..


Overall--the piece isn't bad at all..there are just some wording and flow issues..