Divided States

[jade858907]

Who can relinquish this world;
From the havoc we spread?
Technology has reached its zenith,
Thought to be so infallible.

But euphoria is from reach.
Children traumatized,
That regresses to simpler times.
Seem to ubiquitously fill the streets.

Impetuously we point fingers,
Berate the dissidents
But juxtapose our own short comings
And do not subsidize our wrongs doings.

Sporadic believes embellish us
Facetious and inane they all may be
But The Divided States of America
Only venerates us to be inane


Ok, so I know it wavers and doesnt have a complet steady flow or anything, but i think the idea rocks if you have any CONSTRUCTIVE crits please proceed with them! ;*) thanks ~jade

[EmergencyRoom]

Who can relinquish this world;
From the havoc we spread?
Technology has reached its zenith,
Thought to be so infallible.


It feels a little like you're trying to put big words in for the sake of it. The semi colon needs replaced witha standard run of the mill comma as well. Otherwise it's not bad, just a bit too straightforward. Try to hide your meanings in imagery. This will give it a more mature feel.


But euphoria is from reach.
Children traumatized,
That regresses to simpler times.
Seem to ubiquitously fill the streets.


The first line doesn't seem to be worded well. Try making it " out of reach" instead. You really are breaking out the million dollar words here :lol: "regresses" doesn't make sense in this context but otherwise it's good. Again, try to throw in some metaphor to colour it.


Impetuously we point fingers,
Berate the dissidents
But juxtapose our own short comings
And do not subsidize our wrongs doings.


The way that the last line is worded seems a little bit awkward. Otherwise i like the idea and the vocabulary is exceptional.


Sporadic believes embellish us
Facetious and inane they all may be
But The Divided States of America
Only venerates us to be inane


I think that the second word on the first line should be "beliefs". I don't like the repition of inane. I do however love the "divided states of america" line.


Overall 7/10

It has brilliant vocabulary, but a useful trick is learning when to use it to best effect. Mixing simple description with more colourful words can be very powerful if done in the correct proportion. You overdo it a bit here. There isn't a problem with the flow because tis could be read in so many different ways and still fit. Like i've said before, some imagery to disguise your message would really help your writing. It's competently written and there isn't a lot wrong with it. It just needs embellishment.

And hey Jade :wave: :D

[jade858907]

Hey ER, I was hoping you'd crit me! Well the word 'regress' it is in context, it does work! Regress- to go backward, it works, you cant bash that! And you know me, I come up with better ideas for poems and songs when i use my vocab, lol. But other than that, is it one steady idea? Like it seems to develope one topic? I thought the line 'Divided States of America' was infallible for this topic. Glad you liked it. I think I am going to work on this and see if I can fix it. Put some imagery in! lol, ~Jade

[EmergencyRoom]

Hey ER, I was hoping you'd crit me! Well the word 'regress' it is in context, it does work! Regress- to go backward, it works, you cant bash that! And you know me, I come up with better ideas for poems and songs when i use my vocab, lol. But other than that, is it one steady idea? Like it seems to develope one topic? I thought the line 'Divided States of America' was infallible for this topic. Glad you liked it. I think I am going to work on this and see if I can fix it. Put some imagery in! lol, ~Jade


I didn't make the thing about "regresses" clear, sorry. It fits fine in the line, but it doesn't seem to refer to anything in the rest of the stanza and so doesn't make sense.

You're the first person that i've crit in about a week or so apart from in the lyrical challenge thread. Read my post under the latest challenge and tell me what you think about it in this thread. It's one of my better pieces on here. :thumb:

[jade858907]

Oh wow, ER that is so good. You should try and write a new peice of work, b/c that was friggan awesome! lol, You have to give me something for me to crit on you!

ER.... I cant let this go, I know, Sorry, but the 'traumatized child' regress to simpler times! GRRR, this makes sense, it has to! lol, I Love You!! Jade

[EmergencyRoom]

Oh wow, ER that is so good. You should try and write a new peice of work, b/c that was friggan awesome! lol, You have to give me something for me to crit on you!

ER.... I cant let this go, I know, Sorry, but the 'traumatized child' regress to simpler times! GRRR, this makes sense, it has to! lol, I Love You!! Jade

Ah, i see the problem. It says "regresses" in the song but you meant "regress". That's why it doesn't make sense in my head.

The thing on the lyrical challenge was written for it. It took about 20mins and i didn't redraft it. It's an idea that has been floating round my brain for a while. BTW, we should maybe move the chatting to the "S&L community thread" to stop the spammage of your thread :D

[Corro Leper Affinity]

I'd say overall, it is to wordy. There is no need for such high-class vocabulary, which doesn't help the poem flow at all. Sure you're definately on to something, if you simplify it, it will work. Not strong criticism, but simple, maybe you should try that with your poem.