My Friend, CRITFORCRIT

[returnoftheBIZ]

My Friend

My hearts hung from these gallows again,
But it cons its way out. My friend,
These ropes are no match for me cause’
My arteries are an escape artists dreams.
So instead I’ll lay limp, pulsating,
But barely beating
Suffering from lack of breathing.
My bloods teaming with infection and,
Your complexion brings out the best in me
But the worst in you. My friend,
I’m basking in your sickness,
The brightest darkness I have seen.
I never thought such creature comforts
Could be so awkward but you never
Fail to open my eyes to such foul facts.
These sheets will wreak of havoc,
A bedspring mattress, post panic.
These sheets smell of wrong doing.
I can almost taste where we went wrong,
But I can sure hear that special ringtone from your calls.
I’d like to think we’re off the hook,
But this is just another fatal page in the book. My friend,
This is where things come together at the end.
The part when friends and foes can come and go,
But the message lives on and alone.
My friend, double knot it this time,
This crime must go unnoticed.
The lack of blood to my brain doesn’t show
The go with the flow my mind will bring.
I’ll show you devotion through
A deceased heart and a piece of rope.

TF

[jade858907]

Ok, well first off, this is sweet! I love it, but there is a lack of consistant rhyme and it isnt in standzas which make it impossible for me to do an indepth crit. But i absolutly love the idea, the imagery, it is soooo good. Great job 8/10. This is sweet, Jade

[TojesDolan]

mmm... A relationship song that actually doesn't sound like crap...
Just structurize it and it will be much better:

My heart's hung from these gallows again,
But it cons its way out.

My friend,
These ropes are no match for me
cause’ My arteries are an escape artists' dreams.
So instead I’ll lay limp, pulsating,
But barely beating,
Suffering from lack of breathing.
My blood's teaming with infection.
Your complexion brings out the best in me,
But the worst in you.

My friend,
I’m basking in your sickness,
The brightest darkness I have seen.
I never thought such creature comforts
Could be so awkward but you never
Fail to open my eyes to such foul facts.
These sheets will wreak of havoc,
A bedspring mattress, post panic.
These sheets smell of wrong doing.

I can almost taste where we went wrong,
But I can sure hear that special ringtone from your calls.
I’d like to think we’re off the hook,
But this is just another fatal page in the book.

My friend,
This is where things come together at the end.
The part when friends and foes can come and go,
But the message lives on and alone.
My friend, double knot it this time,
This crime must go unnoticed.

The lack of blood to my brain doesn’t show
The go with the flow my mind will bring.
I’ll show you devotion through
A deceased heart and a piece of rope.

I don't know something around that line.

[TheycallmeFuzzy]

its very good. its more of a poem than a song. good imagery. theres really no need for rhyming (though AC/DC does a hell of a job of that) to make a good song. A-

~Fuzzy

[Crimsonpunk]

I like.
esp the line 'your complexion brings out the best in me', dunno why, just never heard anything like it before.
7/10, add structure for easier reading, and it could be pushing a 9

[returnoftheBIZ]

bump

[DrownedThought]

*claps* very nice i give it a 9/10.