Tomorrow is an Optical Illusion

[Heartcore]

Can somebody give me a crit on this song that i wrote for a little while ago?

Tomorrow is an Optical Illusion

Relaxing…
At least I thought I was.
Until I found myself
lying on the operating table.
The room was swirling
I just can’t recall the name.
The bright lights reveal
that ignorance appeal to them again

I tried to ask her
whatever happened back in days.
She looked down at the floor
to let out her hollow phrase
”You are drunk now,
please try again tomorrow”
But the morning turned to night
and forever into a circle.

(On and on…)

Don’t waste your medicines on me.
She already gave the overdose but god won’t let me sleep.
Hiding the reasons behind
all the smiles and excuses but still she is the one who takes precautions…
(Someone help me…)

Open up they said
We’re removing all the parts of you that’s dead
Ask the question
What point it is to operate
when the mind and soul’s what really died this season

(Melodic part)

The coffee-shop is soothing.
Empty faces staring at the floor
No ones talking, only whispers
I am thankful for their help
but the hole inside I fear
left me feeling that I lost what I adore…

[freshcream]

I like it a lot. I think it needs no work. Overall you did a nice job and i hope to see more of you work. 8.5/10.

[ShakeyAir]

Thats awesome. I wouldn't change anything.

[livinlavidatoka]

yo dude check these lyrics, theyre sweet



yo man im smokin this blunt
dont be actin up
why you gotta front
hittin this bowl like its my job
so i can find a dude that i can rob

werd be lightin up these nugs
i like doin lots of drugs
when the lighter hits the bong
its like, BOOM goes my dong
cuz weed gets me in the mood
for actin the **** fool

criticism please

[MidnightHysteria]

Hey Heartcore, I think you've got a pretty good start, but there are a few quirky grammar thinks that you might want to see if you can fix (eg "We’re removing all the parts of you that’s dead" should probably be something like We’re removing all the parts of you that’re dead"). Just be careful with that kind of thing in the future. Also, out of curiosity, what's the musical setting for this piece?

[Heartcore]

Thanks, English isn't exactly our first language where i come from, he he

Well, it's supposed to be some emo-stuff in the direction of Rest of my Life (http://www.restofmylife.net), but it is a little uncertain because of all the different genres within the band. But that's how i imagined it in the first place. I'm not too good with genres so sorry if it's not too helpful

[DirtyQuebec6969]

yo dude check these lyrics, theyre sweet



yo man im smokin this blunt
dont be actin up
why you gotta front
hittin this bowl like its my job
so i can find a dude that i can rob

werd be lightin up these nugs
i like doin lots of drugs
when the lighter hits the bong
its like, BOOM goes my dong
cuz weed gets me in the mood
for actin the **** fool

criticism please


im not sure what to think, but they may be quite avant garde? :confused:

:smoke: crack

[kurtis *W*]

yo dude check these lyrics, theyre sweet



yo man im smokin this blunt
dont be actin up
why you gotta front
hittin this bowl like its my job
so i can find a dude that i can rob

werd be lightin up these nugs
i like doin lots of drugs
when the lighter hits the bong
its like, BOOM goes my dong
cuz weed gets me in the mood
for actin the **** fool

criticism please

People like you deserve to shut up.

P.S. I like your song by the way.

[DirtyQuebec6969]

why should he shut up if you like his song? :confused:

[JTH]

Some interesting ideas. First off I like the title a lot, very thought provoking. Although I was a little disappointed to see no real relation between the lyrics and the title (at least no obvious one). What is your meaning behind the line: "the bright lights reveal
that ignorance appeal to them again" (by the way that should be appeals, with an s).

I think it would be more effective if, instead of "she already gave the overdose but god won’t let me sleep" you said something like: "she already gave me the overdose. It's God who won't let me sleep". That changes the focus of the line, showing a certain feelings of despair, frustration and inevitability and, for me, works more effectively. Also I would change the "she" in that section to "you", as its again more effective and intimate.

Instead of: "open up, they said, we’re removing all the parts of you that’s dead", you might consider something like: "open up, they said, and we'll remove every part of you that's dead". That, for me, kind of hones in on the whole theme of plastic surgery and false beauty - simply "cutting out" every part of you that's considered dead or defective and therefore useless.

I really like the change to: "The coffee-shop is soothing, empty faces staring at the floor". IMO it's your best line as I can really feel that imagery of the contentedness of sitting in front a warm, calm steaming mug of coffee. I think that maybe you should consider changing "no one's talking, only whispers, I am thankful for their help" to "people here only talk in whispers, but I am thankful for their help". For me that suggests that you are being shunned and ignored for what you have done, as if you've somehow sold out yourself to the disgust of everyone. But rather than being concerned by this the end part of the line suggests the calmness that we feel with the "coffee-shop", and a feeling that the subject of the lyric is of the opinion that, even though they've done it unintentionally, by shunning him they are teaching him how to cope alone and thus how to become stronger - and in a kind of evolved, emotionless, almost inhuman way (a signal of the person he has become) he is simply "thankful" to the people for this. Going with this line would kind of change the end of the lyric slightly. So perhaps a good closing line to add to that would be something like: "the hole inside me that grows and grows, makes me feel hollow but also mature". In other words, the subject clarifys that although what he has lost has alienated him and completely changed his person, he gets a certain satisfaction out of knowing that now that he appears not to have an emotional response to anything, he can never get angry, he can never hate, and therefore he is more "mature" than the rest of mankind. But the reader/listner is left to ponder "at what cost?"

Well that's just my opinion on it. I certainly thing it's a piece with a lot more potential than most. It's got a dept to it and explores some interesting issues. If you feel you like my recommendations, feel free to incorporate them. If not, don't worry about it.

[Heartcore]

I think it's alot of good recommendations in your post. I always appreciate constructive crits! :)

Thanks!