Soul Of A Vampire

[maggotfelon]

Crit for a crit, eh? Or just crit. Whateva. :thumb:

This would be a metal song, done old Slayer style. It's written so I can remember how to sing to the riffs of the song, it's not a poem, so I don't really care about comments on punctuation. Anything else is cool, and very much appreciated. Thanks ahead of time.



SOUL OF A VAMPIRE

Haunted by an entity
Coveted in my blood stream
Yearning for some sweet release
Dragged back inside of this beast
I attempt to shut it out
Feel it strike another route
To emit it's dark incline
Following this feral bloodline

Pain in the neck, thorn in the flesh
Under the pain of my mental breadth
Stalking to save myself from my death
In the scarlet dress of my blood duress

Haunted by my identity
Shadowed by my internal screams
Yearning for some sweet release
Finding it when emotions cease
Existing through my ego flight
Tearing through the lonely night
Spread my bloody wings of shame
Die to live another day

I make love - to your veins
I'm in love - with your pain
Crimson flow in pools of life
Drown me in your sex tonight
My ego becomes my blight
Emotional dynamite

Bathe my soul in blood
Collect my life in pieces
Ride the wings of time
Hide me from the screams
Fly me to eternity

[That's What I Dew]

Old slayer style eh?... Very nice choice... I like this song.

Haunted by an entity
Coveted in my blood stream
Yearning for some sweet release
Dragged back inside of this beast
I attempt to shut it out
Feel it strike another route
To emit it's dark incline
Following this feral bloodline

I'm definitely digging the way this song starts out, very unique, I like it. Nothing really more to say here, except, I love it!

Pain in the neck, thorn in the flesh
Under the pain of my mental breadth
Stalking to save myself from my death
In the red dress of my blood duress


Lot's of rhyming going on here, but it sounds good. One recommendation though, might I suggest you change your adjective "red" to maybe something a bit more vivid and powerful? "In the scarlet dress of my blood duress." Just a thought. That's about it for that.

Haunted by my identity
Haunted by my internal screams
Yearning for some sweet release
Finding it when emotions cease
Existing through my ego flight
Tearing through the lonely night
Spread my bloody wings of shame
Die to live another day


First of all, I'm not big on using the same word twice in one verse, stanza, whatever you want to call it. Although you may like it, I don't know, I think it's bland. I suggest you replace the second "haunted" with maybe something like, "Shadowed by my internal screams." Again, just a thought, give it a try... see how it sounds.

I make love - to your veins
I'm in love - with your pain
Crimson flow in pools of life
Drown me in your sex tonight
My ego becomes my blight
Emotional dynamite


This appears like a very powerful bridge, verse, stanza, whatever. I really like it. Perhaps though, "Drown me in your sex tonight." is maybe a bit direct? I don't know... hey, it's metal, anything goes right? :-) I like this one!

Bathe my soul in blood
Collect my life in pieces
Ride the wings of time

Hide me from the screams
Fly me to eternity


Very unique imagery going on here, not quite my style, but nevertheless, there's still a place for it in my heart, and I actually like it quite a bit. Not much critiquing here, except, on the very last line... "Fly me to eternity" doesn't really make much sense. Of course, I'm saying this about a song about vampires :-P.

Very dark imagery used throughout this metal song, some of it's not really me, but hey, I still like it. I'm impressed with a lot of your imagery used here, I give you a 7.8/10.

[Sloth]

This seems familiar to me for some reason...did you post this a while back?
This is the style of writing that I'm used to seeing from you..

Haunted by an entity
Coveted in my blood stream
Yearning for some sweet release
Dragged back inside of this beast
I attempt to shut it out
Feel it strike another route
To emit it's dark incline
Following this feral bloodline
You've got a sweet lose rhyme scheme going on.. I definately like that. I like the idea so far too.. It's showing the struggle of being a vampire. No one ever addresses that


Pain in the neck, thorn in the flesh
Under the pain of my mental breadth
Stalking to save myself from my death
In the red dress of my blood duress same reaction as before.. I'm not a big fan of "breadth" and "duress" but you get the job done, so I can't complain against that. I like how you show the need to feed here. You don't show it as them being proud to kill, but a different point of view..


Haunted by my identity
Haunted by my internal screams
Yearning for some sweet release
Finding it when emotions cease
Existing through my ego flight
Tearing through the lonely night
Spread my bloody wings of shame
Die to live another day nice! I like how you correctly use Ego.. showing the basic instinct to feed.. I love the last line


I make love - to your veins
I'm in love - with your pain
Crimson flow in pools of life
Drown me in your sex tonight
My ego becomes my blight
Emotional dynamite GREAT! Shows how sexual the need to feed and live is. Great idea.. This is another thing that's rarely, if ever, addressed.


Bathe my soul in blood
Collect my life in pieces
Ride the wings of time

Hide me from the screams
Fly me to eternity nice ending..


Overall--this piece does a great job of showing a different point of view for the vampire.. How and why they do what they do and how empty, I guess you could say, it feels to be one. awesome job.. seems like a great psychology idea. :thumb:

[-:Vincent:-]

for the red thingie, scarlet or crimson would work.

[Sloth]

wow.. Vincent...you're worthless..

[maggotfelon]

Thanks for the crits guys. I think I might change a couple of things you mentioned Mr. Dew.

[-:Vincent:-]

wow.. Vincent...you're worthless..

thanks, I really needed to know that. :thumb:

[maggotfelon]

Maybe you didn't realize how useless you are?! :thumb:

[maggotfelon]

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