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Corduroy Skin
09-07-2005, 10:03 PM
Hey guys, this is the first song I've posted on here, but I've been writing for a little while.
I've recently had trouble writing, but this song just flowed from my fingers so easily and so I'm really excited about it. Critiques and all that would be very much appreciated, I'll return the favor. Thanks.

Also: I'm not sure of the title yet, it's either the thread title or "The Places We'd Go."

The first breath of autumn
Where the memories are in
And all around the fallen leaves
Has been too long coming
I’ve been waiting for the bittersweet peace

Walking through retraceable paths
With a head full of the past
And a backpack full of the maps
We’d once made of the places we’d been
And oh the places we’d go

Countless eyes have tread through
The places I’d lead you
They notice the carvings in trees
As their feet crunch the leaves beneath

There’s a candle burning to my right
A vigil for the last night of your life
I’ve held on to the past like your body
On those endless grassy embraces

Walking through retraceable paths
With a head full of the past
And a backpack full of the maps
We’d once made of the places we’d been
And oh the places we’d go

Enter the fog on this coldest of mornings
Winter has come to cover our steps
There’s nothing like the feel of it pouring
Over the past I’d now travel through in my head, again

Walking through retraceable paths
With a head full of the past
And a backpack full of the maps
We’d once made of the places we’d been
And oh the places we’d go

Corduroy Skin
09-08-2005, 11:18 PM
I don't want to sound impatient or anything, but 0 for 75?

Corduroy Skin
09-14-2005, 10:00 PM
bump? is that what you do?

DrownedThought
09-15-2005, 12:08 AM
Wow, that was very well written. Almost NONE generic usage or cliches. Congrats. My only problem is ONE word, take "again" out of the last verse. It just doesn't seem to fit. I would do a full crit but it was so well written I give it a 9.7/10.

Corduroy Skin
09-15-2005, 09:22 AM
Alright thanks, dude. I appreciate it.

MidnightHysteria
09-15-2005, 02:03 PM
I’ve held on to the past like your body
On those endless grassy embraces

These lines are my new favorite simile (replacing "like Viking paratroopers... except less ridiculous";))

TojesDolan
09-15-2005, 05:23 PM
OK hello, I wanted to review this because I'm a sucker for Autumn, and well. Here I am. :D

The first breath of autumn
Where the memories are in
And all around the fallen leaves
Has been too long coming
I’ve been waiting for the bittersweet peace

I don't know, the lines 2-3 don't flow, they don't seem right together. The linkage of the ideas doesn't seem right in this stanza, maybe you need to tighten up the idea for what you wanted to say.

Walking through retraceable paths
With a head full of the past
And a backpack full of the maps
We’d once made of the places we’d been
And oh the places we’d go

Good, it starts getting better. No real complains here. It takes the "boy-girl" situation without getting all mushy and cliché.


Countless eyes have tread through
The places I’d lead you
They notice the carvings in trees
As their feet crunch the leaves beneath

Good stanza, no complains.

There’s a candle burning to my right
A vigil for the last night of your life
I’ve held on to the past like your body
On those endless grassy embraces

The third line needs a revision, I guess. maybe a word or two to show the link between her body and the endless grassy embraces.

Enter the fog on this coldest of mornings
Winter has come to cover our steps
There’s nothing like the feel of it pouring
Over the past I’d now travel through in my head, again

Good stanza. Overall it's really good, takes that situation on a realistic, non-retarded way, and says all the things that should be said, the right way. Congrats, and keep on writing.

Corduroy Skin
09-15-2005, 09:41 PM
Hey thanks, MidnightHysteria, I'm flattered.

And to Tojes DoLan: I too am a sucker for autumn, it seems every time I write a song involving a season it's autumn, haha. But anyways, lines 2-3 were orinignally one line that I wasn't happy with either, and this new edition seemed awkward too, so I'll keep working on it.

Thanks for the feedback guys, I'll return the favor.

Corduroy Skin
09-15-2005, 09:42 PM
uh disregard this, it was an accidental double post.