Electric Reincarnation

[whatisititisit]

A bundle of wires,
thats all i represent
no liberty with,
An electric presence
I'm like a fuse,
always ready to blow
now tracing tracks,
and taking it slow
My thoughts are twisted,
right to the core
paranoid since birth,
and a visual eye-saw
I feel your presence,
when your not around
the core of existance,
and so your found
In every breath taken,
your in my heart
final good-byes and,
again we depart
pull the plug on me,
and the process restarts
the reincarnation,
Of my broken parts...


got bored and im never on this site and not wrote anything before really so thought i would have a go..

****?
good?
never do this again?

any feedback apreciated!

cheers.

[That's What I Dew]

I really like the idea of this... very different and abstract, and no commonly used cliche's.

I'm like a fuse,
always ready to blow
now tracing tracks,
and taking it slow


On this... may I suggest that you go with a metaphor as opposed to a simile? Instead of saying "I'm like a fuse." say... "I am a fuse.". I believe it would
add more depth and imagery, those small words make a large difference. On another note though, I really like the comparison here, to fuses.

I feel your presence,
when your not around
the core of existance,
and so your found
In every breath taken,
your in my heart
final good-byes and,
again we depart


This really caught my eye, I love the way you worded your thoughts here.

pull the plug on me,
and the process restarts
the reincarnation,
Of my broken parts

What an excellent way to wrap up the song. The "reincarnation of my broken parts" is stunning imagery and I really like it.

Again, I really like the idea behind this song, and the way you've organized your thoughts. Keep up the good writing, please don't quit. I give it a 8.1/10.

[whatisititisit]

Cheers mate, first thing I've ever writin, I've played guitar and bass guitar for quite a long period of time and wonderd whether to write some songs of my own just to see how it goes, nice too know im not **** haha, cheers mate, thanks for the correction on my first line, really helps it.

pz.

*edit*

seem asthough you gave me good criticism i may extend this sometime too my first song maybe?

[whatisititisit]

No one else?

[MidnightHysteria]

I can dig it, man. Very good consistent imagery and extended metaphor/simile.

However, a few of the rhymes seem a little unnatural and forced (eg. "I feel your presence,/when your not around/the core of existance,/and so your found"), so you may want to try either restructuring that or even playing around with words that don't rhyme so closely.

Keep it up. This is very very good for a first song!

[whatisititisit]

Safe, cheers for all the help.

pz.