The Perfect Color White

[PoeticSmile]

The Perfect Color White

You’re just as white as I am
And we both don’t like to sit alone
Is it wrong that I say you’re beautiful?

I can’t help how much I love you
And sometimes it makes her cry
She always tries to find where you hide

Please don’t leave me, my beautiful baby
Surely I would die without your smile
Please don’t leave me, my beautiful baby
Just promise me you will stay for awhile

I’m so sorry Hilary
I thought I could hold this all together
But I have gone the way that makes me better

So, white lady please
I’ll give you everything that you need
You make it all seem like a luxury

Just please don’t leave me, my beautiful baby
Surely I would die without your smile
Please don’t leave me, my beautiful baby
Just promise me you will stay for awhile


*The song is based off a character from a story I wrote so I'm not sure how well it will go over. It's still in the early stages.

[Sloth]

wow, this is one of those over-the-top needy,emotional love songs.. It's very straightforward and it obviously gets your point across, but in my opinion, it's too much. It's too lovestruck and desperate.

Other than that, the piece seems to have a good feel about it. The rhyming is good and loose.. Save the chorus, that's rather predictable.
The only other thing that didn't fit right for me was actually saying Hilary. Every other line uses something else (i.e. baby, lady, etc) except for this one. Yes, it does personalize the piece, but it throws it off also..
I'd like to see your story sometime....(I should try getting Subtle to have a subsection forum for stories....hmmm) So if we get that up, definately post it sometime..
I'm sure if you sang this for some girlfriend, you'd make her month....or day at least :thumb:

[TheycallmeFuzzy]

hmmm..........the title "The Perfect Color White" seems racist too me. a little too lovey dovey. B-


~Fuzzy

[PoeticSmile]

Noo...it was supposed to be a love song but not for a person I have another verse that would defintely made the true target of the song visible. It's about cocaine. White lady = another name for cocaine. Cocaine being white and the girlfriend believes he is doing it and looks for it. He chooses cocaine over the girl because it does more for him. The chorus is also directly pointed toward the drug. So, I guess that extra verse will be needed.