Gentleman are best left impressed

[LoserFriendly]

I'm always left waiting at your door, lying for hours,
cold on the floor, but I'm never bored (I swear)
and you're welcome to walk all over me.
I'm just hoping you'll be back soon...from the library?
Didn't think you'd go there, but (I know) you'd never lie to me
And I don't care that each time you've left,
you've returned with a different scent...no I don't care...

Gazing and searching for future stars to name after us,
but galaxies and constellations are never enough.
So, I'm soaking wet outside your window
serenading you a dozen desperate songs,
even though you're gone.
Singing a duet with the wind, to the rhythm of raindrops
and not wasting a single breath...until I gasped for air

So, I'll carry on singing you a home-made lullaby,
it would've sounded better if you hadn't left for the night
But it's ok, I'll still save you the last dance;
And it doesn't matter that you forgot to ask.
In the meantime, maybe I should go in and fix your phone?
You didn't say it was broken, but whenever I call there's never a dial tone

Welcome Back...it's ok, you don't have to smile.
It's not like I've been waiting here for a long while...
I'm leaning over for a hello-kiss...
but you stop me with a fingertip.
Telling me to close my eyes while you go inside,
wiping the dirt and me from your feet,
taking your time to come up with another alibi

[tjtheguitarist]

I really liked it.

[Nightvision]

this is the possibly the best piece I've seen here for months, I may or may not get round to doing this in depth, but I feel either way that this deserves a bump, and a pat on the back.

Imagery - 9/10
Vocab - 8/10
Clarity - 9/10
Flow - 7/10

Overall - 8.5/10 - I hope I get time to do this in depth, I really do. Well done.

[LoserFriendly]

wow thanks a lot to both of you. I'll look for your stuff.

[Damrod]

It makes more the impression of a short and a bit abstract story then a song to me, which I find interesting. Though some might say the topic is a bit clichee, I think the words are well chosen so it does not seem bland.

Good work, I like it! :thumb:

[LoserFriendly]

thanks very much,

what made it seem like an abstract story exactly?

[Damrod]

Hm, well... it reminds me a lot of the style I write in when I write short stories. Maybe because of that. There is also not the usual verse/chorus structure notable on the first glance, that feeds the impression further that it is not directly a song.

I can not word it better right now (it's almost 2.30am here), I hope you get my point anyway. :)

[International Steve]

I dont know, but something about it just says Alkaline Trio. Verily awesome.

[Cybergasm]

I'm always left waiting at your door
lying for hours, cold on the floor, but I'm never bored (I swear)
and you're welcome to walk all over me
I'm just hoping you'll be back soon...from the library?
Didn't think you'd go there, but (I know) you'd never lie to me
And I don't care that each time you've left
you've returned with a different scent...no I don't care...


I like this start a lot. I would do the arrangement differently, but the way you did it works very well, probably because you Punctuated (hint to others) the actual lines and made the longer size of them work. The actual verse has its trip moments which I will highlight for you, but won't fix since this is more of a story then song and thus should be done to how you want, since you seem to know what you are doing I won't make suggestions as I would like to see how YOU finish it.


I'm always left waiting at your door,
Lying for hours, cold on the floor, but I'm never bored (I swear)
And you're welcome to walk all over me.
I'm just hoping you'll be back soon...from the library?
Didn't think you'd go there, but (I know) you'd never lie to me,
And I don't care that each time you've left,
you've returned with a different scent...no I don't care...

Not that many bumps at all, and I just added some punctuation (in the brownish color) I would have liked to see, as well as fix the lack of first letter caps you seem to have randomly entered, but, no worries

Gazing and searching for future stars to name after us
But galaxies and constellations are never enough
So, I'm soaking wet outside your window
serenading you a dozen desperate songs, even though you're gone
Singing a duet with the wind, to the rhythm of raindrops
And not wasting a single breath...until I gasped for air

I don't like the phrase "future stars," I see what you are trying to do and I do it at times, but this just dosen't seem to fit, it's like a very small speed bump and I would like to see it changes somehow, I have an idea which I will show in a sec. I'd also think the third line has too much in it and should be made into three seperate lines to preserve the flow. I'll also show you what I mean by this. "Serenading you a dozen desperate songs" makes absolutely no sense in its structure, maybe "Serenading you with..." I love the end of the stanza thou', well done!


Gazing and searching for stars of the future;
To name after us, and have them shine for us.
But galaxies and constellations are never enough,
So, I'm soaking wet, I see this as a three line ending on a ringing word, then
Outside your, picking back up. it also changes up the rythm and has the
Window. reader going: "oh!"
Serenading you with dozen desperate songs, I would love for this
Even though you're gone to be its own line, its a nice jump
Singing a duet with the wind, to the rhythm of raindrops
And not wasting a single breath...until I gasped for air


Don't touch the end, its beautiful!

So, I'll carry on singing you a home-made lullaby
it would've sounded better if you hadn't left for the night
But it's ok, I'll still save you the last dance
and it doesn't matter that you forgot to ask,
In the meantime, maybe I should go in and fix your phone?
You didn't say it was broken, but whenever I call there's never a dial tone

I like this one alot and there is only two things I would change: punctuation, the rhyme between the first and second line and take out the "and" at the beginning of the fourth line. Im not going to fix the rhyme for you as you definetly know what you're doing and can expand it a bit more personally. But, for the rest I would do like so:


So, I'll carry on singing you a home-made lullaby,
It would've sounded better if you hadn't left for the night. It's just a bit rocky
But it's ok, I'll still save you the last dance; but decent
It doesn't matter that you forgot to ask.
In the meantime, maybe I should go in and fix your phone?
You didn't say it was broken, but whenever I call there's never a dial tone


Welcome Back...it's ok, you don't have to smile
it's not like I've been waiting here for a long while
I'm leaning over for a hello-kiss
but you stop me with a fingertip
telling me to close my eyes while you go inside,
wiping the dirt and me from your feet,
taking your time to come up with another alibi

Punctuation and that last rhyme is all that I don't like. Instead of "taking your time to come up with another alibi" how about "taking your time to come up with another vocal deciet." Which is why the rhyme would be better, here:


Welcome Back...it's ok, you don't have to smile,
It's not like I've been waiting here for a long while.
I'm leaning over for a hello-kiss,
But you stop me with a fingertip.
Telling me to close my eyes while you go inside,
Wiping the dirt and me from your feet,
Taking your time to come up with another vocal deceit.


OVERAL: I love this work, one of the best posted here. I love the language, rhymes, and personality. I also love the story, it is very personal and just flows. The arrangements are close to flawless! I commend you for a work well done! 9/10
Critic in quote.

[LoserFriendly]

Thank you very very much to Cybergasm, believe me when I say I appreciate it. I do take all your points on board, and agree with certain suggestions and will consider them all when revising my piece. As for punctuation, I do tend to use it - except I'm lazy. :P

Thanks to damrod, yeah, I understand. The structure and layout makes it hard to see how to turn it into a song, since it is rather like free-verse rather than, verses, a bridge and a chorus, like standard songs. Point taken.

And thanks to Steve, I do like Alkaline Trio alot and admire Matt Skiba's lyrical ability, so sometimes I try to emulate him, I do consider him an 'influence'. Thanks.

I will take a look for all of yours, and for the future.