Sweet girl (the drink story)

[Snak3]

This is the las thing i could write before my writers block :P so maybe its bad but w/e.

intro:
A sweet youg girl living in pain
she doesn't know what to do today
While beeing confised from waht she did that day
She knows that's a lesson she just gained

Verse:
It started as a game
how could it end up like that
She just had some drinks
with her friends and all that

Suddenly she lost control
She left the place in a hurry
we followed her
just to find her unconscious on the reoulsive floor

Chorus:
THe poor sweet girl
had to much to drink
Saddest thing is,
she's only sixteen

Verse:
NExt day she woke up
without knowing what hapened
asking her friends
why did they lied to her parents

NOw she is really confused
and she's calling my name
She wants to know
what she really did that day

Chorus:
THe poor sweet girl
had to much to drink
Saddest thing is,
she's only sixteen

After she knew what had happened
she couldn't go out
Her parents were pissed
with this small crowd

and she learned her lesson
thats for shure
n she ain't havin a drink
no, not any more

THe poor sweet girl
had to much to drink
Saddest thing is,
she's only sixteen

Outro:
In the end she was really concerned
she knew her friends had lied to 'em all
she felt really angry with us
beacause of our silly games and decieving lies

[Love2Lust]

okay dont take it negatively but it can use some work. This does paint the story VERY clearly, but it could use some 'fancy-ing' up a bit. Metaphors, similes something, people really get pulled into things that make them think. This kind of just shows the theme, and passes through it in a somewhat boring manor (again sorry to be harsh) If you can do this so people have to infer the story on their own, it really makes the ratings fly. I understand how hard it is to write with writers block...and thats why I tried helping you out, but if I were you, I would save this (first clear up all the misspellings) and work it out into a different layout later on, when the writers block is gone...lol like I said sorry to be harsh bro, but we're here for the crits, right? haha...anyways good luck with the W-B...hope it passes. Last time i had it when I came back I wrote alot of good stuff (disappearing ink (dear me) (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=9259804#post9259804) was one of them, and so far everyone has liked it! haha) so once you get out of it, I will be hoping you get a good flow out of it, and the cogs start the cogging (yeah, I made that up lol) and we get some brilliant work from you...I only hope so...again good luck!

[Noku]

intro:
A sweet youg girl living in pain
she doesn't know what to do today
While beeing confised from waht she did that day
She knows that's a lesson she just gained

First of all, you could use "burning inside" instead of living in pain, since it is more accurate and more descriptive. Instead of today, I'd use with this day. If you don't want to rhyme then you should avoid rhyming, either do it or not. When writing lyrics, everything doesn't have to be that accurate, just accurate enough that the listener will understand. So, "did that day" would be better as something else. Sometimes using two times the same word on one line can be distracting... "She just gained" might be better as "to be gained", afterall this is the beginning of the song

Verse:
It started as a game
how could it end up like that
She just had some drinks
with her friends and all that

Suddenly she lost control
She left the place in a hurry
we followed her
just to find her unconscious on the reoulsive floor

First part of the verse is nice, but the second is a bit messed up. First of all, pay at least some attention to the syllabel lengths of lines. Usually it is good to avoid pronouns as much as possible. For example, "She left" would be better as "And left". "The reoulsive floor" is logically distracting, she left in a hurry but is found from next room? Perhaps some kind of street thingie or bushes or something like that would be better.

Chorus:
THe poor sweet girl
had to much to drink
Saddest thing is,
she's only sixteen

Sixteen is too old. There is nothing sad if sixteen year old gets too drunken, perhaps fourteen or thirteen.

Verse:
NExt day she woke up
without knowing what hapened
asking her friends
why did they lied to her parents

NOw she is really confused
and she's calling my name
She wants to know
what she really did that day

Well yeah, these are nice.

Chorus:
THe poor sweet girl
had to much to drink
Saddest thing is,
she's only sixteen

...

After she knew what had happened
she couldn't go out
Her parents were pissed
with this small crowd

and she learned her lesson
thats for shure
n she ain't havin a drink
no, not any more

Yeah well... not actual mistakes but very little skill.

THe poor sweet girl
had to much to drink
Saddest thing is,
she's only sixteen

Outro:
In the end she was really concerned
she knew her friends had lied to 'em all
she felt really angry with us
beacause of our silly games and decieving lies

This is something I don't understand, what was the lie? Usually friends will help each other with little lies but here it obviously was something different...


Well, kind of nice theme but obviously you are very new to songwriting or you are just a bit young. There are lot of things in songwriting that might teach you some stuff. You could check out the "Songwriting and poetry 101" thread to get you started. There is no boundaries for imagination and there are other methods for making your songs to flow. On scale of 1 to 10, this is 3.