Stop, drop and roll honey - Crit for crit

[Crimsonpunk]

This is one of the first acoustic songs i wrote, and i'm not to sure about it, if anyone could tell me what lines work, and which don't, i'll gladly crit yours back


V1
Could I be forgiven
For being so mistaken as to think
That you might ever love me as much as i hate you
I thought i'd found a better way,
to excorcise my pain
My now i see your face, fire deep inside, rekindiling old flames
And every single day
I focus on the words to say
The words to make your world turn grey
And if i'm nice and get them right
You'll cry your pretty little head to sleep tonight
(But don't cry)

Chorus
This isn't the end, or mabye it is
I didn't want you, but i didn't want this
This isn't the way i planned it should be
Stop, drop and roll honey
This isn't the end, if it is i'm not scared,
I'm sure that we are both prepared
We'll let the flames burn up so bright
We'll light up the whole Phucking street tonight

V2
Could i be excused
For being so confused
I thought i could diffuse this ticking time bomb threatening to blow us both to hell (I make this fit)
I though i'd found a better way,
To channel all my rage, home-made explosives pass the time and help to pacify me
But i guess that was the wrong wire
And now we're both on fire
I guess that all that's left to say
Seem pathetic though it may
You always meant little more, than so phucking little to me
(But don't cry, i know, i know you won't cry)

Bridge
And i want you (Uh-huh, uh-huh) I want you
(uh-huh. uh-huh)
And i want you- to burn with me

[BlacklightGuitarist]

I take it from your username it's an acoustic punk song? I think it's pretty good, for a punk song... Suits the style to the ground.

The first verse was pretty solid, I thought. Especially the first few lines, but the whole thing was good.

The chorus was, in my opinion, a little weak, but it would work.

Second verse, the rhymes get a little predictable - you may want to mix it up a bit, you may not - but still pretty strong.

The bridge, I wasn't so fussed on, but if it fits the song...

Nice stuff in there... Good lines, and I didn't see any really forced rhymes. If you could crit Philadelphia Experiment, I'd be eternally in your debt. Peace! Andy

[Electric Riley]

V1
Could I be forgiven
For being so mistaken as to think
That you might ever love me as much as i hate you
I thought i'd found a better way,
to excorcise my pain
My now i see your face, fire deep inside, rekindiling old flames
And every single day
I focus on the words to say
The words to make your world turn grey
And if i'm nice and get them right
You'll cry your pretty little head to sleep tonight
(But don't cry)

It has nice flow so far, and is very deep. I like it. But I don't likt the "-ay" rhymes. They are overused and they feel forced. A couple would be ok, but you've used too many. Its a sweet little verse, very romantic.

Chorus
This isn't the end, or mabye it is
I didn't want you, but i didn't want this
This isn't the way i planned it should be
Stop, drop and roll honey
This isn't the end, if it is i'm not scared,
I'm sure that we are both prepared
We'll let the flames burn up so bright
We'll light up the whole Phucking street tonight

This is like the Curit's egg. Good in parts. "Stop Drop and roll honey" - I love that line, as well as the last 2 lines, but the rest is a bit average. Its just like filler, it serves no purpose. Its still fairly good.

V2
Could i be excused
For being so confused
I thought i could diffuse this ticking time bomb threatening to blow us both to hell (I make this fit)
I though i'd found a better way,
To channel all my rage, home-made explosives pass the time and help to pacify me
But i guess that was the wrong wire
And now we're both on fire
I guess that all that's left to say
Seem pathetic though it may
You always meant little more, than so phucking little to me
(But don't cry, i know, i know you won't cry)

Ha. This is great. It seems funny here, but I'll believe that you make it fit somehow. This whole song is really laid-back and casual, and I really like that. It's different, and that's a good thing.

Bridge
And i want you (Uh-huh, uh-huh) I want you
(uh-huh. uh-huh)
And i want you- to burn with me

I'm sure you make that sound good.

Overall, a pretty good piece. The last verse is absolutely wonderful, and the whole song emits a warm and friendly glow, even if its not meant to. I'm undecided about the swearing. I'm not against it, I just don't think its necessary in an acoustic song. You haven't overused it though, so I think its fine. Both the first stanza and the chorus could use a bit of a rewrite, but they've certainly both got potential

8/10

Could you please crit this: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=382232

[Crimsonpunk]

cheerz for them, big help.
Again, if anyone wants any of my audio, or wants to send me any of there's.
Punkb0bskapantz@aol.com

[leg of eel]

ok, i'm new to this, i apologize if my crit isn't very helpful.

V1
Could I be forgiven
For being so mistaken as to think
That you might ever love me as much as i hate you
I thought i'd found a better way,
to excorcise my pain
My now i see your face, fire deep inside, rekindiling old flames
And every single day
I focus on the words to say
The words to make your world turn grey
And if i'm nice and get them right
You'll cry your pretty little head to sleep tonight
(But don't cry)

the first lines were good in my opinion, the rhymes started to seem a little bit foreced towards the end though. still a strong opening though.



Chorus
This isn't the end, or mabye it is
I didn't want you, but i didn't want this
This isn't the way i planned it should be
Stop, drop and roll honey
This isn't the end, if it is i'm not scared,
I'm sure that we are both prepared
We'll let the flames burn up so bright
We'll light up the whole Phucking street tonight

the scared/prepared rhyme seems too forced. and the last two lines are a little awkward, but i see how it can be put to music so it doesn't seem so. otherwise it's pretty good.

V2
Could i be excused
For being so confused
I thought i could diffuse this ticking time bomb threatening to blow us both to hell (I make this fit)
I though i'd found a better way,
To channel all my rage, home-made explosives pass the time and help to pacify me
But i guess that was the wrong wire
And now we're both on fire
I guess that all that's left to say
Seem pathetic though it may
You always meant little more, than so phucking little to me
(But don't cry, i know, i know you won't cry)

the last line before the line in paranthesese (sp?) is hard to understand at first. this verse is strong but some rhymes are forced, may want to look in to changing the say/may or the fire/wire ones more so than the others.


Bridge
And i want you (Uh-huh, uh-huh) I want you
(uh-huh. uh-huh)
And i want you- to burn with

this doesn't seem like much, but not alot of bridges are. i'm sure it fits well with the music [if there is any to it yet] or will be put well to music.

overall, good song. 7/10. work on the forced rhymes and it should be a very strong piece. i hope this helps. keep up the good work.

[Crimsonpunk]

Cool, cheerz for those, if anyone wants the audio to this, or any of my other tracks, e-mail me and i'll get them sent.

Punkb0bskapantz@aol.com

[Crimsonpunk]

****, already did that

[Crimsonpunk]

He he, guess the four letter profanity

[Crimsonpunk]

bump

[Crimsonpunk]

-ety bump

[Crimsonpunk]

Any one else? I'll crit back soon as I can.......