Monster - poem

[Electric Riley]

Something different. Crit for crit of course, and I usually give pretty decent crits. Hope no-one finds this offensive...

Also, I'm not happy with the title. Suggestions are welcome.

Monster

Your face is illuminated by a soft glow from a lone candle
Eyes filled with reflections flicker
In them I see a nervous boy
Only a child, really
He reaches toward you

As my fingers graze you gentle skin
And trace a path down your neck
A shiver runs down my spine

So supple
So tender
Yet so firm

Our hearts beat in unison
Though my blood travels to extremities you don't have
Our chests rise and fall together
Though I don't have as nice breasts as you

So I cup my hand and touch you there
My virgin hand on you
I move closer
I move closer
Closer
I have to get closer!

I kiss you deeply
Your soul grips your insides as a vacuum forms at our mouths
My heart racing
I hold you tightly
And getting tighter
I can feel you struggling
What's the matter babe? Uncomfortable?
Yeah I'll bet you are!

Fine

As you recoil
I see you eyes widen
The flickering reflections are etched with fear

I'm a monster

"I'm sorry"
I'll apologize, it will be ok.

I touch your shoulder
You re-recoil
"You told me you love me"

What's wrong with you? You wanted it
You want it
I want it
I want you
I'll take you
I'll take you anyway

I'm a monster

[RBXJM]

Your face is illuminated by a soft glow from a lone candle
Eyes filled with reflections flicker
In them I see a nervous boy
Only a child, really
He reaches toward you

I like the 'eyes filled....' line and the whole picture that this verse paints, setting us up for a nice, gentle, innocent story. A good start, made better by the twist later on

As my fingers graze you gentle skin
And trace a path down your neck
A shiver runs down my spine

So supple
So tender
Yet so firm

Nice, simple yet descriptive

Our hearts beat in unison
Though my blood travels to extremities you don't have
Our chests rise and fall together
Though I don't have as nice breasts as you

I can't make much sense of this verse, or see any point to it, other than the last line which leads into the next verse. i think the first 3 lines need a bit of attention, or you could just about get rid of the lot.

So I cup my hand and touch you there
My virgin hand on you
I move closer
I move closer
Closer
I have to get closer!

I kiss you deeply
Your soul grips your insides as a vacuum forms at our mouths
My heart racing
I hold you tightly
And getting tighter
I can feel you struggling
What's the matter babe? Uncomfortable?
Yeah I'll bet you are!

All of this is good, except the very last line, I don't think you need it.

Fine

As you recoil
I see you eyes widen
The flickering reflections are etched with fear

I'm a monster

"I'm sorry"
I'll apologize, it will be ok.

I touch your shoulder
You re-recoil
"You told me you love me"

What's wrong with you? You wanted it
You want it
I want it
I want you
I'll take you
I'll take you anyway

I'm a monster

This is a great ending, I really like it. Great twist, and I especially like the very last line, just a simple, nail the point home kinda line

over all, I really liked it. Needs a few touch ups, but I wouldnt be changing too much I dont think
I know you've already done one of mine, but if you get the time http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=380718

[Electric Riley]

Extremities you don't have = pen0r

[BlacklightGuitarist]

Wow. My young impressionable mind has been warped. I shall become a rapist. Very nice stuff here, though. I mean, not my chosen topic, but you do it well. May I recommend you join the "Yeah Yeah Yeahs..."
Haha.
Peace!
Andy

[Electric Riley]

Thanks, I guess.

Don't fear, this isn't my typical subject matter either. Anyone else?

[Crimsonpunk]

This seemed like a pretty good song, nice imagery, good words, about half way through it threw me off a little bit, and now i don't know who i am, where i live, or what my name is. But if you can do that with a song, you must be a powerful writer, so well done.
7/10

[Iron_Weed]

Your face is illuminated by a soft glow from a lone candle
Eyes filled with reflections flicker
In them I see a nervous boy
Only a child, really
He reaches toward you

First two lines are very nice. Your third line could possibly be phrased a little better but I like what you're saying. Last two lines could again be phrased better but get the point across.

As my fingers graze you gentle skin
And trace a path down your neck
A shiver runs down my spine

Sweet, no complaints.

So supple
So tender
Yet so firm

Again, no complaints.

Our hearts beat in unison
Though my blood travels to extremities you don't have
Our chests rise and fall together
Though I don't have as nice breasts as you

This is a good verse particularly like your second and third lines. Your last line is a bit too blunt imo though.

So I cup my hand and touch you there
My virgin hand on you
I move closer
I move closer
Closer
I have to get closer!

First line is good apart from the there at the end. Sounds kinda weird. Then again it follows the idea of a child who's too scared to even name what he's touching. What you could do is not actually name the object of desire in the verse before this and then be a bit more blunt in this one to show the evolution of boy to man to monster that's taking place here. Just an idea. I would probably cut out the second I move closer and maybe rephrase your last line a litle. I tried rewriting it slightly:

I move closer
Closer
Close as I can go
But it's not close enough

Again just an idea, take it or leave it. I don't think what I offered there is perfect but hopefully it might help give you some ideas of how to improve it.

I kiss you deeply
Your soul grips your insides as a vacuum forms at our mouths
My heart racing
I hold you tightly
And getting tighter
I can feel you struggling
What's the matter babe? Uncomfortable?
Yeah I'll bet you are!

First line is good, I don't like the word vacuum in your second line it sounds off to me. Something that occured to me was "As desire froths from within". Third and forth line are good, no complaints. Fifth line could perhaps be phrased better, sixth line is good. I'm not sure how I feel about your last line I definately like the feel of it but it could maybe be said better.

Fine

Not alot to say about this.

As you recoil
I see you eyes widen
The flickering reflections are etched with fear

Sweet.

I'm a monster

Sweet.

"I'm sorry"
I'll apologize, it will be ok.

I reckon this would be more effective if you put it before "I'm a monster" rather than after. If he's still feeling remorse for the victom it should be before his realisation and acceptance of being a monster.

I touch your shoulder
You re-recoil
"You told me you love me"

Very nice, I like what re-recoil implies.

What's wrong with you? You wanted it
You want it
I want it
I want you
I'll take you
I'll take you anyway

I'm a monster

Very good ending.

I love it, man. Just some minor improvements and this could be a masterpiece. I can really tell you thought out every line. It's stuff like this that makes me reconsider that the forum has completely gone to hell. Great work.

9/10

[Electric Riley]

Thanks for the crit man. I was just about to bump it, but you've done it for me.

C'mon guys, crit for crit *jingles keys*

[bassist105]

Great song I must say, pretty unorthodox topic, but in a way that makes it especially good, the song is gripping but the line "Though I don't have as nice breasts as you" is pretty laughable. Great song overall, I'd give it 8.5/10

[5 inch snail]

'Though I don't have as nice breasts as you' Was that meant to be funny?....Because it is. Anyway, it's really good!