Across the Pond is Clarity (Crit for crit)

[Permanent Solution]

Words spill on the page in a pathetic exorcism
Nothing is straightforward, it’s all inferred
Left to their own devices the words deceive
Pushing subliminal meanings around
In a dance where nothing is as perceived

Focus drawn to all the unnecessary
Thoughts lost in formless clouds
Images swirling in distant haze
Material issues pull like magnets
All metaphor is lost in the craze

Sentimental bleed-over glazes lost eyes
Passionate response in a hideous disguise
An ode to an idea is hidden in sorrow
But the sun will clear the fog tomorrow
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Short poem, be in depth if you want something back.

[Permanent Solution]

Wow...I had to bump my shortest piece ever with zero crits.

[ozzfest05]

Words spill on the page in a pathetic exorcism ....this is cool way to start
Nothing is straightforward, it’s all inferred
Left to their own devices the words deceive......this seems a little akward
Pushing subliminal meanings around
In a dance where nothing is as perceived

Focus drawn to all the unnecessary
Thoughts lost in formless clouds ,,,,,,good imagery here i like this
Images swirling in distant haze
Material issues pull like magnets
All metaphor is lost in the craze

Sentimental bleed-over glazes lost eyes
Passionate response in a hideous disguise,,,,,kinda seems forced out
An ode to an idea is hidden in sorrow
But the sun will clear the fog tomorrow,,,,this also seeems a little forced


cool, overall i like it, and its worded very well,,, i have one up youll see it,
Withering Away

[TojesDolan]

I didn't know you were the writing type, zep. :eek:

Anyhow, I'll review this. And yes, pretty much there are a lot of emo kids in this forum that only write their stuff and pretty much never give advice. They just have crap on the brain or something. (Not everyone, there are good kids out there, you know who you are)

On a first quick read, I pretty much didn't get it. I guess I wasn't in the mood to read it. For instance, check the first stanza:

Words spill on the page in a pathetic exorcism
Nothing is straightforward, it’s all inferred
Left to their own devices the words deceive
Pushing subliminal meanings around
In a dance where nothing is as perceived

I didn't personally like the "pathetic exorcism" thing. The rest of the stanza flows pretty much naturally, I guess. I liked the rest of it.

The second stanza doesn't work for me. Too much redundancy and going around in circles through the same picturing. Maybe it's how the words were put. It's not that I islike it. There's just something strange on it.

Third stanza is a big improvement. It's my favorite of the rest, but it's kinda late to save the song. Maybe it recquires some development. It's alright, nothing to great, yet not a piece of garbage. But please don't write your whole life like some guys do, those are a pain in the *** to rate. :p

[Sloth]

Don't see you around here much anymore..

Words spill on the page in a pathetic exorcism
Nothing is straightforward, it’s all inferred
Left to their own devices the words deceive
Pushing subliminal meanings around
In a dance where nothing is as perceived The idea you have is very simple, but the way you word it is very good.



Focus drawn to all the unnecessary
Thoughts lost in formless clouds
Images swirling in distant haze
Material issues pull like magnets
All metaphor is lost in the craze ha, I think it's funny/ironic that you're writing about writing devices with writing devices..



Sentimental bleed-over glazes lost eyes
Passionate response in a hideous disguise
An ode to an idea is hidden in sorrow
But the sun will clear the fog tomorrow 3rd line's the best part..

overall- It's pretty cool, I've got nothing to complain about. nice job :thumb:

[Permanent Solution]

Crits are being returned. Tojes, yours was helpful, but I didn't see anything up by you, link me if you've got something. Be aware I don't explain my works, but a lot of what you're complaining about was intentionally part of it, like the redundancy in the middle. Thanks for the crits all though.

[Nightvision]

Words spill on the page in a pathetic exorcism
Nothing is straightforward, it’s all inferred

I liked 'pathetic exorcism' muchly... second line was spot on as well - a good start.

Left to their own devices the words deceive
Pushing subliminal meanings around
In a dance where nothing is as perceived


you're getting easier to understand in your old age, Zep. :) I liked what you're saying here, but the second line feels a bit basic in amongst the rest of this... possibly due to the way you've put it as its own line, when it's actually leading into the third line. This might well be ironed out by the music, I dunno.

Focus drawn to all the unnecessary
Thoughts lost in formless clouds

Good... no complaints here

Images swirling in distant haze
Material issues pull like magnets
All metaphor is lost in the craze

haze/craze? ouch... I'll let you off though, as it's an unusual rhyme scheme. :p

Sentimental bleed-over glazes lost eyes
Passionate response in a hideous disguise

bleh. Worst couplet so far - the over-use of extended vocab feels a bit on the pretentious and unnecessary side after the first two stanzas, which used it so well...

An ode to an idea is hidden in sorrow
But the sun will clear the fog tomorrow

Sorrow/tomorrow? :o
This last stanza was horrible, especially compared to the first two...

Overall:
The first two stanzas were fan-frigging-tastic, and I'd happily have dished out at least a nine based on those alone, but that third stanza was just yuk. It felt so 'tacked on' that it really did hurt the piece just by being there. My advice would be to scrap that third one altogether and replace it with something along the lines of the first two, as in all honesty, that was some of the best stuff I've EVER read from you on here. More like that please!

Score:

80%



Chasing Games (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=382955)

[Permanent Solution]

Way to contradict Tojes' crit, now I don't know which is right :-\

Getting yours now (school is a bitch :()

[Cybergasm]

Words spill on the page in a pathetic exorcism
Nothing is straightforward, it’s all inferred
Left to their own devices the words deceive
Pushing subliminal meanings around
In a dance where nothing is as perceived
One thing here is the lack of end, I mean that is defiently the biggest run on sentence ever, just because they are in a stanza arrangement, dosen't mean endings are implied, I will fix this to how I see it at the end. I do love though how your own writing reflects what you're saying, the way your own words decieve and leave to inference, painting a message unclear in ones mind.

Focus drawn to all the unnecessary
Thoughts lost in formless clouds
Images swirling in distant haze
Material issues pull like magnets
All metaphor is lost in the craze

Once again I like the contrastion here, but one thing that confuses me, and I would like you to see expand on is this line: "Material issues pull like magnets"
do they attract or repeal on both sides, do they rip or bring together? I think it is important in what you are trying to convey.

Sentimental bleed-over glazes lost eyes
Passionate response in a hideous disguise
An ode to an idea is hidden in sorrow
But the sun will clear the fog tomorrow
Yet again, very nice continuation and flow from the previous stanzas. It works very well; "the sun will clear the fog tomorrow" is a very nice conclusion. It is so like "Kublah Khan" from Cambridge, leaves the reader trying to come back and understand, but the irony of your word is so which will keep the circle going!

Here is my take on the puncutation:


Words spill on the page in a pathetic exorcism;
Nothing is straightforward, it’s all inferred.
Left to their own devices the words deceive,
Pushing subliminal meanings around,
In a dance where nothing is as perceived.

Focus drawn to all the unnecessary;
Thoughts lost in formless clouds,
Images swirling in distant haze;
Material issues pull like magnets,
All metaphor is lost in the craze.

Sentimental bleed-over glazes lost eyes,
Passionate response in a hideous disguise.
An ode to an idea is hidden in sorrow,
But the sun will clear the fog tomorrow. It isn't much but it is a pivotal point of every work. I edit alot of poems for my schools literary magazine and can tell you that the biggest flaw many of them have is the representation, this is also one of the main reasons we don't except alot of the poems, but usually send it back for a rewrite or just trash it. Just my two cents :thumb:
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Short poem, be in depth if you want something back.Critic is in quote.

8.9/10

[real_low_mind]

nice lyrics, i can't really say that much about it cause i'd have to hear the music..... 9/10 i like the last verse.
crit Sheila is a madman for me will you? ;)

[fender16strat]

"it’s all inferred" that part went with it but seemed to have a minor flow problem, maybe u could work on it.
But other then that what can i say? Absolutely terrific. its worded really well with nice flow. all though its short its very catchy and gets to the point. i think its a great poem overall and if u added more could turn into a good song. 8.8/10. keep up the good work, if u could crit my song "apreciation to music" that be great.