Back from hiatus... with a song called "Daily."

[Spectrum]

Hello, fellow S&L gentlemen and ladies! I'm back from a very long time of not posting, and have recently found myslef rather randomly inspired. Maybe it's from all the Coheed and Cambria and The Mars Volta that I've been listening to, but recently, I've been having a surge of late-night, wierded-out story-song binges. Anyway, I'll be posting what I have written over the course of the next week or so, and I'll start with the first one.

This one is called "Daily." (subtext: "machines."), and I hope you guys like it. It's a little bit different from the rest of the lyrics I've posted... keep your opinions honest; good crit for good crit, as usual.

Okay, I'm nervous, but here goes.

------

Daily. (machines.)

------

good evening.

a door creaks somewhere downstairs. you don't look up
but they're here just the same.
"i died on three separate occasions; how was your day?"

cyclic machine set for morning-dusk routine.

you worked for years for this moment;
"how was school today?"
we learned numbers and shapes and other defunkt garbage.

cyclic machine set year in/out routine.

expensive, noisy bundles of joy deseperate for attention:
i ate paste and hit jimmy to get noticed. dictate and lecture;
nothing makes it past the ears and eyes.
no brains:
tv. (gameboy.) body weight. (overload.) not my fault. (shut up.) screw you. (do your math.)
a door creaks downstairs, you don't wake up. they're here just the same.

"random coalescing patterns"; emerging strains.
another cyclic machine
whole lifetime routine
"i think it's coming together now, what remains?"

good morning. 25 cents a play, try again?

good evening.

------


p.s. It's a little cryptic at times. Remember, it may or not be a story song. Also, I have no idea what the music will sound like yet. Just thought I'd save you guys some time.

-SG

[ozzfest05]

hmmmmmm, i dont really know what ur trying to say some parts of the song juss dont make sense to me maybe clarify,,,, i dont know what to say

[Spectrum]

This song takes a new perspective on life, essentially making humans out as robots, and it contains a lot of references to "evening life", that magical family time after everybody comes home from work and school, eats dinner together (or maybe not), and then promptly avoids each other.

The last bridge section is a little hard to figure out, but if you put some thought into it, it is meaningful... or at least, it is to me, because I have some idea of where I'm going with the story of the song.

The last lines of the song make a sarcastic reference to videogames in relation to the 'day in/day out' theme, as well as a final throwback to the beginning of the song, so as to complete the whole reference.

I hope this helps everybody have some understanding of the material.

-SG

[Nightvision]

I think this is going to be interesting from my initial readthrough... :)

good evening.

a door creaks somewhere downstairs. you don't look up
but they're here just the same.
"i died on three separate occasions; how was your day?"

A good, if unorthodox start. That last line is brilliant - the nonchalance with which the first half is delivered was equally chilling and hilarious. :)

cyclic machine set for morning-dusk routine.

you worked for years for this moment;
"how was school today?"
we learned numbers and shapes and other defunkt garbage.

spellcheck: defunkt = defunct.
Other than that, this was solid, with your last line being particularly strong again. Those last lines are the meat that is holding the verses together- I'd recommend not changing those at all.

cyclic machine set year in/out routine.

expensive, noisy bundles of joy deseperate for attention:
i ate paste and hit jimmy to get noticed. dictate and lecture;
nothing makes it past the ears and eyes.
no brains:
tv. (gameboy.) body weight. (overload.) not my fault. (shut up.) screw you. (do your math.)
a door creaks downstairs, you don't wake up. they're here just the same.

A different structure here - not sure how this will work when you transfer this to music, but that's not my task here. ;) This didn't feel as strong overall, possibly as the last line was weaker than the previous verses. I have to add, the child character in the first few lines is brilliant. Don't change any of the first four lines - that was chilling 1984 style.

"random coalescing patterns"; emerging strains.
another cyclic machine
whole lifetime routine
"i think it's coming together now, what remains?"

This has been the weakest stanza. There's nothing wrong with it per se, but it could be so much stronger, and needs to be to avoid standing out for the wrong reasons here.

good morning. 25 cents a play, try again?

good evening.

Excellent. Great finish to a song.

Overall:
This kind of music doesn't really appeal to me much - Co&Ca aren't my bag, and The Mars Volta never really tickled my pickle either. Having said that, I didn't have to enjoy this music to enjoy this piece. It was very well written for the most part, with the occasional weak spots in the middle. Tighten the parts up I mentioned, and this is an excellent piece - as it is, it's 'just' very, very good. Either way, it's original, well written and clever. Ticks my boxes. :)

Score:
86%

[Spectrum]

Thank you for the amazing crit, Jason. I will have to get to work on what I can do with improving the trouble spots, so as to have my little world come to fruition and perfection! Muhaha. But seriously, incisive comments and an overall great crit. Thanks again.

Any other takers?