ill crit for crit please :)

[Ryanj]

Wrote this about a friend of mine who was dealing with depression



She sits alone
Inside her home
Feels as though she’s on her own
Although she knows
Its never set in stone
She feels as if its her time to go

And now she knows
That this choice is her own
If only she could turn back time
And step away from all the hurt inside

And she cries out
Because love could never save her
And she cries out
Wonders why life has to be so painful
But deep inside she knows why
She sits all alone

Sees her face and looks away
Love no longer inhabits this place
She remembers how that once could taste
A reflection once loved
Now nothing more then a reminder of who she once was
She turns and walks away

And she cries out
Because love could never save her
And she cries out
Wonders why life has to be so painful
But deep inside she knows why
She sits all alone

As the tears run down her face again
The salt stings like it always has before
And she wonders what it must be like to feel
Something other then the pain that has now become her home

And she cries out
Because love could never save her
And she cries out
Wonders why life has to be so painful
But deep inside she knows why
She sits all alone

[Love2Lust]

beautifully done. Put in a very nice way, and it clearly expresses the point. This is a very well-written peice, and although not to many metaphors, the few in it are very nicely done. Very good work man, very good. 8.5/10


if you've got time,
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=9259804#post9259804

[Ryanj]

any other comments? :)

[Snak3]

its a beautiful poem, reminded me what is happening to a very close friend 9/10

[Ryanj]

I hope your friend gets better snak3, thats the reason I write song/poems because they really do have a healing effect and they help people cope, its amazing what it can do, it really is.

[Snak3]

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=382615

check it out, it's not as good but is sumthing i wrote :)

[Crimsonpunk]

Nicely done, flows good, the subject is overdone, but it's written well, only problem is the first few lines, 'alone' and 'home', because like I said, it's overdone. But for what it is it's a great piece. 7/10
Crit mine - 'stop, drop and roll honey' if you could

[Ryanj]

thanks for the comments :)

[Cybergasm]

Wrote this about a friend of mine who was dealing with depression



She sits alone,
Inside her home,
Feels as though she’s on her own.
Although she knows,
Its never set in stone,
She feels as if it's her time to go.

And now she knows,
That this choice is her own;
If only she could turn back time,
And step away from all the hurt inside.

I would like some transition, like a transitory rhyme, here is what i would do:


And she knows,
That this choice is her own;
Her heart spins forth a sadening rhyme,
Oh, if only she could turn back time,
And step away from the hurt inside.


And she cries out!
Because love could never save her.
And she cries out!
Wonders why life has to be so painful.
But deep inside she knows why,
She sits all alone

Sees her face and looks away,
Love no longer inhabits this place.
She remembers how that once could taste;
A reflection once loved.
Now nothing more then a reminder of who she once was,
She turns and walks away.

The last highlight you can definetly keep it is a flow interruption that is most welcome, here though is how I would do it:


Sees her face and looks away,
Love no longer inhabits this place.
She remembers how that once could tase;
The sweet nectar,
Of a reflection once loved.
Yet, now nothing more then a reminder,
Of who she once was,
And so she turns away and walks.

And she cries out!
Because love could never save her.
And she cries out!
Wonders why life has to be so painful.
But deep inside she knows why,
She sits all alone .

As the tears run down her face again,
The salt stings like it always has before.
And she wonders what it must be like to feel,
Something other then the pain that has now become her home.


As the tears run down her face again,
The salt stings like always before.
She wonders, what it must be like to feel,
Something other then pain, which has now become her home

A very subtle change with the taking out of "it" and "has" but it keeps the tempo to the flow.

And she cries out!
Because love could never save her.
And she cries out!
Wonders why life has to be so painful,
But deep inside she knows why,
She sits all alone. That was really well done, I would improve the flow a bit though, it dosen't seem to roll as I like it to. I went ahead and highlited the areas in question, and offered my own insight. I also added some punctuation which is something everyone seems to overlook.

8.5/10

[Ryanj]

thanks for the comments :) i got blasted on some other forum for this song i guess its to "emo" for some but i hate music being put into groups maybe im wrong but to me music=emotion :)


sorry for the rant hehe

[Cybergasm]

thanks for the comments :) i got blasted on some other forum for this song i guess its to "emo" for some but i hate music being put into groups maybe im wrong but to me music=emotion :)


sorry for the rant hehe
I thought it was quite nice, reminded me of "Elenor Rigby."

Don't listen to the other twats.

[Ryanj]

haha dont worry i wont, never have never will :)

[PinkFloyd]

I don't know to me, it seems a bit up front with a bunch of cliche lines for my taste.

[ozzfest05]

well, i just wanna say i like why u wrote the song, some good meaning behind it, but nothing else, u dont justify what ur saying, u end the song with the chorus not a smart idea at all, u should give an ending, like ur tellig a story, and u dont let ur ideas flow like a train of thought .. i dont feel like axplaining right now but if u want to know post and i will explain myself some other time..

[Realoudamps]

I think its real good, my only suggestion would be to not use "she" as much, it seems like thats the focus of the poem, while it does make it very personal its hard for people to relate from that perspective because when i read this i think of your* friend not myself or someone i know..but then again it is your* poem lol i dunno if this is any help to you but yeah..great poem man..

[Gypsy Campervan]

I don't know to me, it seems a bit up front with a bunch of cliche lines for my taste.

2nd'd

[Anti-Prefix]

I really, really enjoyed your song. Nice use of varied words to express yourself. Good job man.

[jade858907]

I liked it. It is a very overdone topic, yes i agree folks, but come on, this is the one thing everyone one on earth goes through, and sometimes when you go through such ordeals you need something to relate to right?! i think this is very good, i comend you on it. Good job. 8.5/10! ~jade

[Ryanj]

thanks for the comments everyone :)