Yearning

[ATC]

Yearning
- Caleb D.

A ghost invited himself to the wedding
It sat there, ever so quiet.
Knelt in the pews and danced with the bride
Who cannot remember
The last time she'd become transparent
Or the last time she was, to me.

A ghost sat all the way through the marriage.
Was never tempted
To rewind or pause the screenplay,
But he kept the cameos coming
and gathered the bouquets
and the rosebud of the first flush of youth
and whispered dirty phrases
in the sickly voice of the roses.

Everything that she's convinced herself
Will rob her of all her dreams.
They'll shove it down her skin.
They'll shove it under the skin.

A ghost said goodnight to the angels,
asleep in the room down the hallway,
first door to the left.
He messed their hair and stole their teeth
and paid them in coins and bruised empty knees.
No one can tell why they look so tense
since they don't have my eyes.
She didn't give them my eyes.

Every melody that has ever loved me
will share all her dreams.
They'll shove it down her skin.
They'll shove it under the skin.

Some call it kindness, others call it spite.
Love knocks once at every door
Dishevelled and muddy,
Smelling of tears.

I will crit for crit if your lyric could do with improvement. Only then. If it's perfect (not very often) or if it's just plain crap, don't expect much. One line reviews don't make me happy. :wave:

[jelly_side_down]

This is absoulutly beautiful, the kind of writing that inspires my own.
I don't understand exactly what it's about, however that doesn't bother me at all. When I read it it makes me think about a lot of things and that's what is most important, in my opinion.

A ghost invited himself to the wedding
It sat there, ever so quiet.
Knelt in the pews and danced with the bride
Who cannot remember
The last time she'd become transparent
Or the last time she was, to me.
^this may be my favorite part. It's a great opening... really drew me into the rest of the song.

Some call it kindness, others call it spite.
Love knocks once at every door
Dishevelled and muddy,
Smelling of tears.
^I love this. So much.

As I said, though the meaning isn't very clear to me right now (I could just be dim), these lyrics are very appealing to me. What sort of music do they go with? You wouldn't happen to have anything recorded would you?

[Happy_Squirrel]

Nice work man. I wish that I could give a more thorough review, but I can't really find anything that needs improvement, although I'm also having trouble grasping all of the meaning. You've got a real flair for the dramatic, and the premise is very original. I don't think that I'd change a thing. Like Jelly said, "beautiful".

[ATC]

I'll clarify the concept to help you along. This song is meant to mean either of two things, though I'm sure that with effort, it could mean a few more.
a) The bride's ex is the ghost that overshadows the marriage.
b) The groom himself is the ghost who is making her pay for still caring for her ex and/or being unfaithful and not giving her children his eyes.
Therefore, 'me' is either an ex or the husband. Could go either way.
It's meant to be a portrait of a marriage. Lives of 'quiet desperation'.

What sort of music do they go with? You wouldn't happen to have anything recorded would you?

We are a female fronted progressive rock band. Sort of like what would have happened if Radiohead had stayed in the OK Computer mold and met Opeth and Dredg on the way, but in a slightly more commercial way.
I do have stuff recorded, but I'll have to re-record them with a new singer once the Winter session starts. It'll be part of my Songwriting course to record stuff every 3 weeks. If I can, I'll do this in the first few weeks and put the mp3 up, assuming I find a very creative female singer in the Vancouver area.

[leg of eel]

A ghost invited himself to the wedding
It sat there, ever so quiet.
Knelt in the pews and danced with the bride
Who cannot remember
The last time she'd become transparent
Or the last time she was, to me.

i really like the idea of this, it's better than alot of the stuff out there. the last line is sort of confusing, 'me' is the ghost or the writer or another person? this is very, very good though.


A ghost sat all the way through the marriage.
Was never tempted
To rewind or pause the screenplay,
But he kept the cameos coming
and gathered the bouquets
and the rosebud of the first flush of youth
and whispered dirty phrases
in the sickly voice of the roses.

this is interesting. i like the last few lines alot, not much to change here. good job.

Everything that she's convinced herself
Will rob her of all her dreams.
They'll shove it down her skin.
They'll shove it under the skin.

the third line is a tad bit weird, but i think it is fitting for the mood of the song atleast. 'down her skin' is sort of an awkward phrase to me, might just be me though. not as strong as the verses, but that's ok.

A ghost said goodnight to the angels,
asleep in the room down the hallway,
first door to the left.
He messed their hair and stole their teeth
and paid them in coins and bruised empty knees.
No one can tell why they look so tense
since they don't have my eyes.
She didn't give them my eyes.

this is another thing that i find confusing, is the me in the first verse the same person here? i really like the fifth line though, i'm not sure why. not much to change here either. this is pretty good.

Every melody that has ever loved me
will share all her dreams.
They'll shove it down her skin.
They'll shove it under the skin.

i like that you change the first two lines but keep the last two the same, the first two here could be cleared up though, just my opinion.

Some call it kindness, others call it spite.
Love knocks once at every door
Dishevelled and muddy,
Smelling of tears.

this was a good ending. i think the verses are the strongest parts of this song though. very good job on this, it's great. 8.5/10 hope this was some what helpful. keep it up.

[ATC]

i really like the idea of this, it's better than alot of the stuff out there. the last line is sort of confusing, 'me' is the ghost or the writer or another person?

Thank you for the review.
Me could be whoever you want it to be. The project I'm working on is a bunch of songs about solitude. This person could be a husband referring to himself as a ghost or an ex coming back into their lives and overshadowing them. Since the writer does not reveal his identity, it's your call really. The yearning of solitude is what I've been seeking to express in this and the other 5 works-in-progress. A ghost looking back on love.

[Noku]

Finally something I like. Imaginary is good and the story is well told. I like pretty much every stanza and can't really spotlight any critical errors. However, there are some mistakes that make the overall song a slightly confusing. First of all, when there are he, she and me, it becomes very difficult for the listener to keep on track who is who. You could make it easier for the listener by changing the pronouns for something more descriptive, even though sometimes one syllabel pronouns are handy. Another thing is flow. At times it is distracted, however, usually progressive music can overcome these problems. But stronger image bounds between lines wouldn't hurt. If some word isn't that necessary it won't hurt if you replace it with something that has some link to the other words. I mean, it is very rare that things are just A and B, there is always some way to make things to build some kind of whole. On scale of 1 to 10, I'd give this 8.

[Love2Lust]

sorry i cant give a thorough review trying to watch a movie, but someone called and I'm doing this as I talk to them haha...
its pretty good, dont know the theme of the song (as in punk/metal/etc) but it reminded me alot of MCR. a few of the problems. The way it was written can be a little confusing to a person attempting to crit it, if I were you, try to find and easier way to write it out. It is good though, alot of metaphors, most of which are very nice. Really I'm a stickler on shorter songs, but it depends on how you are going to voice/sing the song. But to me I think more will work this up into a masterpeice...overall, with work, it can be a beautiful thing...6.5/10 (just cause I think it needs more work, otherwise a 7/10)