I learned tonight....

[Sloth]

I wrote this the other night and want some comments on it before I revise it.
Anything will help... :chug:



-_-
I learned tonight
to not let any tears
well up in my eyes
to let go when I need to
and to not let my mind
be taken but my fears

I learned tonight
that fairy tales lie
happily ever after
never involves
a princess
and her knight
saying goodbye

I learned tonight
that life's not always
just the way I like
if I've lost or
if I'm behind
then why fight?
then why even try
to make wrong things right?

I learned tonight - that -
when I need to - cry -
and when I must - say goodbye-
-_-



thanks for the read :thumb:

[factor46]

-_-
I learned tonight
to not let any tears
well up in my eyes
to let go when I need to
and to not let my mind
be taken but my fears


This is a really good intro stanza. I like it alot. Don't change anything here.


I learned tonight
that fairy tales lie
happily ever after
never involves
a princess
and her knight
saying goodbye


A nice follow-up stanza to the intro. Good flow and decent wording for a cool idea.


I learned tonight
that life's not always
just the way I like
if I've lost or
if I'm behind
then why fight?
then why even try
to make wrong things right?


Okay, now the "I learned tonight" thing is starting to get annoying. :lol: I do like the last three lines in this part though. Nice wording. No flow or structure problems. Everything is cool here. :D


I learned tonight - that -
when I need to - cry -
and when I must - say goodbye-


I can visualize this in a song. But probably like an emo or indie slower song. Haha, it's an alright ending though too.


Overall - I think this piece is very good if you're looking at it as a poem (besides the last part). As a song, it's still alright, but it'd seem like the repeating first line in every stanza would kinda make the listener wanna turn the song. Still good stuff though. :thumb:

[BlacklightGuitarist]

Good stuff, Sloth. Always lovely and poetic. I could give you a hug... Well, I guess I couldn't. However! I can give you "mad props" because that term makes me laugh harder than something real hard, and because you deserve it (the props, not the laughter). Peace!

[Jonahtan]

First off, this is good as a set of lyrics or as a poem, it flows well and is very cohesive, however i can only give one suggestion:
with the last section:

I learned tonight - that -
when I need to - cry -
and when I must - say goodbye-

the last two lines are sorta two parts right? like a situation and a conclusion, (i.e. when you must, you can cry, etc.) however, in the first line, the "that" does not serve the same function as "cry" and "say goodbye" do in the next 2 lines, so maybe consider a revision or having the first line say "i learned tonight that" without the two "-"s.

[Noku]

When you write about as cliché theme as love you should put more effort to stand out. The 2nd stanza is kind of nice, it has some imaginary, but other than that this song is rather plain. You should concentrate more for finding entirely new perspective, some mad idea and hide the meaning inside. Also, rhyming isn't the only way to make lyrics flow. On scale of 1 to 10, I'll give you 5.

[Sloth]

Factor-- thanks for the crit.. "I learned tonight" Yeah, I know what you mean. I just couldn't think of anything else, so I left it, hoping no one else would notice.. but you did ya jerk! haha

Blacklight-- haha, thanks for the input man. Always good to see you around once in a while.

Jon-- yeah, that makes sense.. I'll probably do that.. Thanks for the crit.

Noku-- I know what you mean. Usually when I see stuff like this from other people I will say that exact same thing. But in this piece, I didn't want it to be anything amazing. Just simple and to get my point across.. Thanks man...


Anyone else?

[ozzfest05]

the song flows well, its kinda short, considering the three or four word lines, but its good for what it is, the repetitive part "I Learned Tongiht" should be gone,,, or used less,,, thats bout it man...


withering away ~~~~~~~~is mine

[TojesDolan]

I think it's alright overall, except for a little trouble I had with the initial flow, the first stanza. I felt the flow was affected by some of the wording. And yeah, it might be cliché, but at least it doesn't involve cutting wrist and dying and stuff.

Oh yeah, by the way, I felt this stanza incomplete:

I learned tonight - that -
when I need to - cry -
and when I must - say goodbye-


It recquires some more... conclusive verses or something. Everything else is alright.

[Permanent Solution]

I learned tonight
to not let any tears
well up in my eyes
to let go when I need to
and to not let my mind
be taken but my fears
---If only tonight and to rhymed... Structurally...I don't like the last two lines. I like them read straight but structurally I don't.

I learned tonight
that fairy tales lie
happily ever after
never involves
a princess
and her knight
saying goodbye
---No parallelism :-\ I don't quite get it here...princess and knight saying goodbye doesn't strike me as a fairy tale ending...

I learned tonight
that life's not always
just the way I like
if I've lost or
if I'm behind
then why fight?
then why even try
to make wrong things right?
---Goodness.

I learned tonight - that -
when I need to - cry -
and when I must - say goodbye-
---Read that straight through...it doesn't quite make sense. Take out the "that" maybe?

[Nightvision]

good to see a reg still posting in the main forum. :)

I learned tonight
to not let any tears
well up in my eyes
to let go when I need to
and to not let my mind
be taken but my fears

It's a bit basic... your point comes across well enough, but perhaps it would still come across just as well with a little flavour to it?

I learned tonight
that fairy tales lie
happily ever after
never involves
a princess
and her knight
saying goodbye

Nice - liked the fairy tales reference, although I've always been a sucker for mentioning fairytales and mythology in pieces. :) This stanza started better than it finished - you were lacking a little flavour again towards the end.

I learned tonight
that life's not always
just the way I like
if I've lost or
if I'm behind
then why fight?
then why even try
to make wrong things right?

Didn't like this at all - very angsty, very trite, and it just felt like it had been written by a complete newb to songwriting, which I know you are anything but. :)

I learned tonight - that -
when I need to - cry -
and when I must - say goodbye-

cry/goodbye? how very emo of you. :p
Nah, I'm joking. This was alright, but was the 'that' in the first line necessary? I'm not sure if it was... maybe someone else could clarify that for me. :|

Overall:
I can see you went for 'back to basics' stuff here, and to an extent you get away with it. Other times, you don't, and they look like huge glaring errors in songwriting, when in reality you've just over-simplified when trying to write something basic. What you tried to do was a nice idea, but it's often harder to attain true simplicity than true complexity in songwriting, and it showed here.

Score:

72%