cause and effect

[Littlejohn]

acoustic song, sounds a lot like soco amaretto lime...



a telephone call from a far away place
a silhouette memory that time can’t erase
a setting sun to get me out of this city
I’ll drown this town with my tears of self-pity

I wake up its half past ten
sew myself up so i can mend
this life is worthless so lets pretend
So we’ll be happier in the end

sixteen and worn out, thats a fact
scared to move on, more scared to go back
my heart is broken my body is weak
just look at the promises you never could keep

Times have changed we’re getting old
And I’m left standing in the cold
Amongst the hundred lies you told
Each one coated in silver and gold

And I’ll wake up wake up
from this nightmare
Yeah I’ll wake up wake up
And I’ll be somewhere
better than here
anywhere but here

Push away all your regrets
Another empty pack of cigarettes
Been mistreated misunderstood
But that’s all gone now (knock on wood)

sixteen and worn out, thats a fact
scared to move on, more scared to go back
my heart is broken my body is weak
just look at the promises you never could keep

And I tried yes I tried
to be here by and by
and can you tell me tell me why
you’re wasting away your life

And I’ll wake up wake up
from this nightmare
Yeah I’ll wake up wake up
And I’ll be somewhere
better than here
anywhere but here...

[Littlejohn]

bump

[TojesDolan]

To keep you from bumping, I'll give you a lift.

a telephone call from a far away place
a silhouette memory that time can’t erase
a setting sun to get me out of this city
I’ll drown this town with my tears of self-pity


Good intro. I'd have complained big time because it seems to lead nowhere, but the next stanza fills up what this one had to develop.

I wake up its half past ten
sew myself up so i can mend
this life is worthless so lets pretend
So we’ll be happier in the end

I liked it, but I'm not sure about the second line, as well as the reapeating of the "so" further on. You should check that.

sixteen and worn out, thats a fact
scared to move on, more scared to go back
my heart is broken my body is weak
just look at the promises you never could keep

Times have changed we’re getting old
And I’m left standing in the cold
Amongst the hundred lies you told
Each one coated in silver and gold

I put this two together Because I found no flaw on either. Very well written, and despite being angsty, it delivers much better than most angsty verses/songs.

And I’ll wake up wake up
from this nightmare
Yeah I’ll wake up wake up
And I’ll be somewhere
better than here
anywhere but here


Uh, the repetition should go on the record, not the written thing... It's alright, though, like a reminder, but you might like it as, I don't know, a backup sing or something. It's good, despite being simple.

Push away all your regrets
Another empty pack of cigarettes
Been mistreated misunderstood
But that’s all gone now (knock on wood)


mmm.. I didn't like that... maybe there's a lack of flow. CHeck that out.

sixteen and worn out, thats a fact
scared to move on, more scared to go back
my heart is broken my body is weak
just look at the promises you never could keep

And I tried yes I tried
to be here by and by
and can you tell me tell me why
you’re wasting away your life


Those are fine. Overall, your poem was basically one of those teenage-I'm-so-depressed-and-the-world-is-crap, but you managed to pull that off alright, made it sound much intelligent than most people do, And that should make you proud. It's and alright poem, I liked it. kee up the good job. :D