That Night

[Iron_Weed]

Pretty weird long song I wrote earlier tonight. I can't really tell if its good or not in my mind as its too late but tell me what you think. I'm thinking of having it increasingly building up in intesity till just before "watcher of the deed" when it suddenly changes it's feel and becomes a lot more rocking and light hearted. Any crits appreciated and I'll crit back anything helpful.

Down and out
And up again
Cool winter breeze
Washed over me

Left and right
And straight again
A change of view
Can comfort me

The trees they sway
Yet stay the same
This copper daze
I’m stuttering

Stake in heart
Like stellar dreams
Takes to heart
My mutterings

Stop and shut
Now pause a while
Rip apart
A bitter child

Now a man
Stuck in concluse
Ripped apart
It’s so recluse

Crack a smile
Or merely cracked
Red and blue
A tainted hack

Don’t go back
Don’t feed it now
Please don’t go
Just stay a while

The watcher of the deed
Runs through the grass, crushing weeds
And that cats gone
Yeah, that cats gone

Through a slipping door
Into a crack in the floor
And that cat’s brown
Yeah, that cat’s brown

Beneath the fading sun
And from a train to a bus
It’s having fun

Sliding through the crowd
Making noise but never loud
An ember proud
An ember proud
Yeah, an ember proud
A drifting cloud
Without a sound

Chris Barry-Goss, 2005

[Iron_Weed]

Bump

[Electric Riley]

Down and out
And up again
Cool winter breeze
Washed over me

There's not much to say for this first verse. Sorry Iron Weed, but I expected a better opening from you. It doesn't really say anything, and I've heard it all before, several times.

Left and right
And straight again
A change of view
Can comfort me

Does this piece have ANY subject matter? Actually, I'm starting to like the linked first 2 lines. It reads well. But once again, this appears to be about nothing. Just random cliché lyrics. I realize I'm being very harsh, but I really admire you as a lyricist, and I know I've seen better work from you.

The trees they sway
Yet stay the same
This copper daze
I’m stuttering

I like this one alright. I don't really understand the "copper" reference, but it sounds really good. I love the last line. The first 2 aren't as good as the previous first 2, but they'll do.

Stake in heart
Like stellar dreams
Takes to heart
My mutterings

Don't like the heart/heart thing going on. The rest is ok. I love the rhyme between the last line of the past 2 stanzas. It's awesome. You still need to write about SOMETHING though.

Stop and shut
Now pause a while
Rip apart
A bitter child

Rip apart/a bitter child doesn't fit. Take it out. The rest is ok.

Now a man
Stuck in concluse
Ripped apart
It’s so recluse

Nah. Don't like it much. I like the ripped apart reference from last verse, but I didn't like it there.

Crack a smile
Or merely cracked
Red and blue
A tainted hack

Don't like the rhyme, but the rest is great. This is more like it.

Don’t go back
Don’t feed it now
Please don’t go
Just stay a while

Too conversational for this piece. It reads disjointedly, and that's bad. Save it for something else.

The watcher of the deed
Runs through the grass, crushing weeds
And that cats gone
Yeah, that cats gone

Ha! I love this verse and I don't know why. I luuurrrvvee it.

Through a slipping door
Into a crack in the floor
And that cat’s brown
Yeah, that cat’s brown

Don't like the "that cat's brown" thing. The rest is fine, but not outstanding.

Beneath the fading sun
And from a train to a bus
It’s having fun

Ah, the rhythm changes. Great imageries here, but not lyrically great.

Sliding through the crowd
Making noise but never loud
An ember proud
An ember proud
Yeah, an ember proud
A drifting cloud
Without a sound

Good ending, well done.

Overall, a great piece, I was extremely harsh. There are heaps of things you could change, and it would be a masterpiece, but you could just leave it. It's not up to your usual standard, but still better than almost everything else on here. Long though. Oh well, I enjoyed reading it. The flow is great. Good work.

8/10

Can you please crit this: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=382232

[Iron_Weed]

Thanks man, yeah I agree not my best, I've been going through a bit of writers block lately. It does however mean something its mostly just about ways I've been feeling recently that I needed to vent, which I admit probably does come off kinda cliche at times. None the less thanks for a great crit, I'll get you back tomorrow sometime.

[Electric Riley]

You'd better...

[Iron_Weed]

Don't you be threatnin me or I cut you up real good

[Iron_Weed]

Bump

[f0r3v3r_f0rs4k3n]

wrote a guitar riff for the basic sound to be played

E|-------------------------------------------------------------|
A|-------------------------------------------------------------|
B| ------------------------------------------------------------|
G|------1---------1h3p1----------1-3--------3-1---------|
D|--1-3------1-3-------------1-2------------------3-1----|
A|-------------------------------------------------------------|
E|-------------------------------------------------------------|

x how ever many times

not my type of song but w/e


edit: fixed thing

[Iron_Weed]

Cheers, man but I've already written a riff for it. Wouldn't feel right taking your one anyway.

[f0r3v3r_f0rs4k3n]

nah man I was kind of bored so..

mine sucks anyways :D

[Iron_Weed]

Ok, sweet. Anyone else? I will crit in return....

[Cybergasm]

I greatly, GREATLY, GREEEAAATTTLLLYYY diasgree with Electric. First off, this song I think, minus one or two parts, is excellent. It does have subject matter, it is just not spelled out, it is one of those songs in which the whole creates the subject. The words being your colors, the keyboard your brush, and with it you painted this masterpiece, a true embrace of your feelings, which more then comes out.

I think the reason Electric didn't see it was because he was picking it apart one by one, which can't be done. If you look at the greatest works of art out there, and then take away the whole leaving one or two bursh marks of course its going to seem naive and stupid, but looking at the whole, that is when you lose breath. What can I say other then good work m8. The whole feel and progression just put me in your shoes and took me away (up untill the brown part, I don't know what that was but after that it picked back up right away).

9.5/10

Here is a bit more in specific:

Down and out
And up again
Cool winter breeze
Washed over me

Very good, the down and out were like: HEY FEELINGS. Cool winter, nice user of a paradoxal comparison.

Left and right
And straight again
A change of view
Can comfort me

Left and right, once again moving us as you're moving emotionally, like that much; a change of view can comfort me, that was genius.

The trees they sway
Yet stay the same
This copper daze
I’m stuttering

Swaying, yet more emotion. One thing I would change is : This copper daze Has left me stuttering.

Stake in heart
Like stellar dreams
Takes to heart
My mutterings


Stop and shut
Now pause a while
Rip apart
A bitter child

Now a man
Stuck in concluse
Ripped apart
It’s so recluse

Crack a smile
Or merely cracked
Red and blue
A tainted hack

Don’t go back
Don’t feed it now
Please don’t go
Just stay a while

The watcher of the deed
Runs through the grass, crushing weeds
And that cats gone
Yeah, that cats gone

Through a slipping door
Into a crack in the floor
And that cat’s brown
Yeah, that cat’s brown

:lol: ... I would do something drastic with this verse.

Beneath the fading sun
And from a train to a bus
It’s having fun

Sliding through the crowd
Making noise but never loud
An ember proud
An ember proud
Yeah, an ember proud
A drifting cloud
Without a sound

Once again very nice, going back to the earlier where emotion and movement expresses how you feel and not sound.

[Iron_Weed]

Wow thanks, glad you liked it so much. I'll probably change that cat's brown since neither of you liked it, shouldn't be too hard. Thanks for reading it fully and giving me a well thought out crit I'll get you back next time I see a song of yours up.

[Electric Riley]

I agree with you, Cyber, it's just that Iron_Weed gets reviews like that on almost everything he writes, because he's so darn talented. I was just ALOT harder on him than I am/most people are usually.

There's no doubt this is a great piece, its just not nearly Iron_Weeds best.

[Iron_Weed]

Thanks Riley, that made me feel happy. :)

[Iron_Weed]

Bump

[Electric Riley]

My name isn't really Riley. That's just a persona.

Call me Jack.

[Iron_Weed]

Alright, Jack, I'll keep that in mind.

[Violent_Bill]

It's good, kinda weird at the end though.

[Iron_Weed]

Thanks, last bump.

[Shinod_a_llegra]

i loooooveeeee the first few stanzas!

Down and out
And up again
Cool winter breeze
Washed over me

Left and right
And straight again
A change of view
Can comfort me

The trees they sway
Yet stay the same
This copper daze
I’m stuttering

Stake in heart
Like stellar dreams
Takes to heart
My mutterings

Stop and shut
Now pause a while
Rip apart
A bitter child

Now a man
Stuck in concluse
Ripped apart
It’s so recluse

Crack a smile
Or merely cracked
Red and blue
A tainted hack

Don’t go back
Don’t feed it now
Please don’t go
Just stay a while

Those are fantastic. =)

The watcher of the deed
Runs through the grass, crushing weeds
And that cats gone
Yeah, that cats gone

Okay, this is where i think it starts to get a slight bit weird and a bit shaky

Through a slipping door
Into a crack in the floor
And that cat’s brown
Yeah, that cat’s brown

I don't understand the cat is brown part...heh.

Beneath the fading sun
And from a train to a bus
It’s having fun

Sliding through the crowd
Making noise but never loud
An ember proud
An ember proud
Yeah, an ember proud
A drifting cloud
Without a sound

nice work, dude. keep it up!

[Iron_Weed]

Cheers, glad you liked it.