Nobody Knows

[RBXJM]

It's really just another average, every day song about a girl. But let me know what you think anyway


Nobody knows

Separates himself for days at a time
Just wishing, hoping
For someone who can be always there
Not to judge or be judged
A comfortable release

Could it be more than it seems
or is this whole thing just a dream
Please say that I’m right because
These feelings seem so real

How can he tell the difference between
Just good friends and something more
If he told you he loved you
would you say you love him too
Or is he knocking at the wrong door

Could it be more than it seems
or is this whole thing just a dream
Please tell me I’m wrong because
I don’t believe it

Sometimes he thinks about you
and he wonders why
These feelings are taking over his life
Keeps telling himself he never had a chance
The time was never right
Time ticks away
Wasted.

[RBXJM]

hello? anyone?

[Electric Riley]

Nobody knows

Uh... Queens of the Stone Age have a song called "Noone Knows", just to let you know.

Separates himself for days at a time
Just wishing, hoping
For someone who can be always there
Not to judge or be judged
A comfortable release

Not a bad start, but not outstanding. Lyrically its pretty good, but it doesn't grab me. It doesn't jump off the paper, y'know? Flow seems disjointed, but it adds a nice effect. I don't like the last 2 lines much, but that's just me.

Could it be more than it seems
or is this whole thing just a dream
Please say that I’m right because
These feelings seem so real

I hate the rhyme in the first 2 lines. Dispose of it. I actually don't like this stanza much. It doesn't add anything to the song, and its very cliché. Scrap it maybe.

How can he tell the difference between
Just good friends and something more
If he told you he loved you
would you say you love him too
Or is he knocking at the wrong door

I like this one. It's simple, but its still pretty good. Sort of conversational and sweet. Keep it up. Make the whole song like this.

Could it be more than it seems
or is this whole thing just a dream
Please tell me I’m wrong because
I don’t believe it

Sometimes he thinks about you
and he wonders why
These feelings are taking over his life
Keeps telling himself he never had a chance
The time was never right
Time ticks away
Wasted

I like the very end, but the rest is pretty average. I'm not sure how you could make it better though...

Overall, a reasonable piece. But then it's still only average. An average song about and average girl. I've seen it all before, but it was fairly well executed.
Set out to write something different.

6.75/10

Can you please crit this: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=382232

[RBXJM]

hey thanks for your crit man, i know its an average song that everyone has seen a million times, just thought i'd stick it up here and see if anyone thought it was worth salvaging. maybe i'll just keep a few lines of it to use later.