Withering Away (C4C)

[ozzfest05]

quick note if you have been reading my work, people said things about me trying to rhythm my verse and thats kinda my style, but for this one i just wrote with emotion and i havent even read this yet i just wrote it, so if their are mistakes w/e ill get em later... this prolly doesnt flow all that well either..

Withering Away


Beauty is withering away, cant have something forever
Impossible, emotions colliding into one self,
How can you express yourself truly, and not be judged,
For people shall look down upon, truth and genuine feelings,

Cant they handle a bit of reality, without an outburst of anger,
Drama is overrated, people finds things to create havoc,
Like they have no excitement in life, why must they create problems,
Is that how we excite things, by making grief amongst others,

Every body I meet has a cloud over their head,
Or a split personality, why say things behind ones back,
Truthfulness, is key, don’t lie, don’t be a coward,
If you want to say something, feel free,
Why back down, you cannot help the way you feel,
Just let out all the emotion built up, you will feel better,

Head aches, heart aches, they are all overrated, cliché’s and lullabies,
Why do we need them, too many people try to live life like the movies,
They cant just enjoy what is going on, realize that happiness is for the weak,
And bitterness is for the people who accept what they got, don’t let yourself
Become another cliché, break free from eternity and join us within the boundary.

[ozzfest05]

no comments?

[Love2Lust]

great meaning, sometimes it helps to let emotions carry a song, thats how I do alot of my work, yet I whip it into a nice rhytmatic schematic...always wanted to say that...but I thought this was a really good peice, I hope you write more free-form things like this, I thought it was really good...

if you want a rating, 8/10

[ozzfest05]

thanks man ill be sure to check out ur stuff,

[Sloth]

Beauty is withering away, cant have something forever
Impossible, emotions colliding into one self,
How can you express yourself truly, and not be judged,
For people shall look down upon, truth and genuine feelings, the only thing that felt 'awkward' was "yourself" coming so shortly after "one self" (which should be one's self). But other than that, it was pretty alright.


Cant they handle a bit of reality, without an outburst of anger,
Drama is overrated, people finds things to create havoc,
Like they have no excitement in life, why must they create problems,
Is that how we excite things, by making grief amongst others,
This is good.. ha, I should post this on my blog thing for my friends. This reminds me of them sometimes..



Every body I meet has a cloud over their head,
Or a split personality, why say things behind ones back,
Truthfulness, is key, don’t lie, don’t be a coward,
If you want to say something, feel free,
Why back down, you cannot help the way you feel,
Just let out all the emotion built up, you will feel better, "Just let out that built up emotion..." feels better to me.. but if what you have fits better, it's all good..



Head aches, heart aches, they are all overrated, cliché’s and lullabies,
Why do we need them, too many people try to live life like the movies,
They cant just enjoy what is going on, realize that happiness is for the weak,
And bitterness is for the people who accept what they got, don’t let yourself
Become another cliché, break free from eternity and join us within the boundary Love this.. It's a great way to wrap this piece up.. I've got nothing more to say than I like it. :thumb:

[ozzfest05]

thank you, and about your friends thats why i wrote this cause people are infact like that i wasnt just saying things to capture attention or anything.... thanks for the crits

[Noku]

Well, this is well written and it tells something universal about people. On the other hand it doesn't have the twist of life to break it's triviality. "The singer" is someone who knows all this, however it would be much better if "the singer" would admit that he is living through the same illusions as the others because that is life afterall.

Thing is that this is a good song, but not that unique and not that clever. I mean this isn't some kid stuff anymore but this has much of unpurposeful irony. You kind of imbue the maturity of "the singer" by saying that others worry about matters of no importance and make their life a mess, while this song is so trivial. People are people afterall, why they are the way they are is just life. If you want to be something else than phoney people with their phoney problems you are just another introvert. This would be great if it would admit that.

I'd have also liked if it would have had a bit more abstract imaginary, this is generally just a flow of thought... well at least smooth flow of thought but still. I'll give you 8 in the scale of 1 to 10 since I've already given 7 for a song that was much worse but can't really give 9 because of all this triviality.

8/10

Anyway, here is mine to crit... at least tell me why others haven't critted it if you have nothing else to say :D

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=382312

[Permanent Solution]

Beauty is withering away, cant have something forever
Impossible, emotions colliding into one self,
How can you express yourself truly, and not be judged,
For people shall look down upon, truth and genuine feelings,
---The phrasing of almost everything here bothers me, but the meaning behind it is still there. I think you could re-arrange the lines to great effect though. The commas you add don't help the flow of the piece to me, but maybe I'm just missing it.

Cant they handle a bit of reality, without an outburst of anger,
Drama is overrated, people finds things to create havoc,
Like they have no excitement in life, why must they create problems,
Is that how we excite things, by making grief amongst others,
---Grammar issues, but you're not submitting it for publishing so whatever. First two lines are good, second two ask a lot of questions and don't resolve them as well. Try to find the balance in those last two you had in the first two.

Every body I meet has a cloud over their head,
Or a split personality, why say things behind ones back,
Truthfulness, is key, don’t lie, don’t be a coward,
If you want to say something, feel free,
Why back down, you cannot help the way you feel,
Just let out all the emotion built up, you will feel better,
---More phrasing issues, especially in that last line. And the very end ("you will feel better") Sounds really weak to me by comparison.

Head aches, heart aches, they are all overrated, cliché’s and lullabies,
Why do we need them, too many people try to live life like the movies,
They cant just enjoy what is going on, realize that happiness is for the weak,
And bitterness is for the people who accept what they got, don’t let yourself
Become another cliché, break free from eternity and join us within the boundary.
---Don't use overrated again, find a better synonym, this is the best section. Don't weigh it down with worthless words. I'm also a little confused, you criticize drama, but embrace bitterness. Topically that bothers me.

I only comment on what needs to be improved, so don't take this too harshly.

[ozzfest05]

lol doesnt bother me man, ur just not getting what im saying, i didnt want it too flow i wanted this to be vulgar, grammar to me was no issue i wanted it to be gibborish if thats what it would turn out to be, this was my expression of alot of people i met and know, i would not re write this simply because i want it to be rough, its suits what im saying..