song about wal-mart...crit 4 crit

[soldmysoul4rocknroll]

I was stuck at wal-mart with no ride home, and i was sitting on a ledge by the main entrance waiting for my dad(for over an hour). So i wrote a song, and as soon as i got home i tried to write it down as best as i could remeber it.

verse
As i sit here looking out at
a Wal-Mart parking lot,
I find myself at the place
where everyone shops,
While people rush in I can see
all the different colors of skin,
I can see in a corperate world
there is no room for discrimination,



chorus..haven't writing one yet

verse
A stout man walks out
with a cart full of junk,
he walks over to his SUV
and proceeds to fill up the trunk,
I can make out a t.v, couple of dvds,
and several other essential nessities


chorus....


verse
Why do we all have this need,
well its more of a greed,
We want bigger, better,
at a lower price,
it's like sharing a pie,
we all want the bigger slice,



verse
When possesions,
become your greatest obsessions,
you will get caught up in long, dull, depressions,
and that my friend,
is my greatest lesson


constructive critism please, any suggestions on a chorus??

[Love2Lust]

it has a pretty good meaning. I thought when i clicked it was gonna be some silly bullcrap song but I think this can be good if you find a decent chorus to click with it. otherwise it flows pretty well, but the last 2 verses have some flow changes, unless your really altering singing speed. like I said other than that its decent, and can be made into something good...with slight tweaks fomr the sterotypes of course. Good luck with this though...

crit for me please! (I'd prefer you crit the first, but you can do 1 or all...I dont care haha)...yeah, I have alot haha...again, your choice
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=9259804#post9259804
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=380916
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=9277865#post9277865
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=381461

[Happy_Squirrel]

As i sit here looking out at
a Wal-Mart parking lot,
I find myself at the place
where everyone shops,
While people rush in I can see
all the different colors of skin,
I can see in a corperate world
there is no room for discrimination,

Mmm...OK, you're kind of drifting around here. The observation that you "find yourself where everyone shops" seems rather obvious since you've already stated that you're at Wally-world. I don't get the last line.

A stout man walks out
with a cart full of junk,
he walks over to his SUV
and proceeds to fill up the trunk,
I can make out a t.v, couple of dvds,
and several other essential nessities

This is slightly humorous with a good rhyme scheme, but I still don't see the song going anywhere at this point. Also, I think you mean "necessities".

Why do we all have this need,
well its more of a greed,
We want bigger, better,
at a lower price,
it's like sharing a pie,
we all want the bigger slice,

First two lines here are pretty good. After that, it just doesn't sound that interesting. You're saying things that most people think but the language and imagery (or lack thereof) just doesn't capture my interest.

When possesions,
become your greatest obsessions,
you will get caught up in long, dull, depressions,
and that my friend,
is my greatest lesson

The first two lines in this last verse (possessions/obsessions) do a much better job of expressing what you were trying to express in the previous one. I thought the line afterward (depressions) was a bit weaker, but I'm not sure what else rhymes. If you haven't already, bookmark http://www.rhymezone.com/ (a rhyming dictionary). This is a very helpful writing tool. A good online dictionary/thesaurus (http://www.m-w.com/) helps too. My apologies if you already know this (I'm not trying to be condescending).

I think that you've got a decent idea for a song, but you need to work on imagery. Try to use more metaphors and keep at it.

Please crit my piece or flame-mail me if you have time: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=378913

[DeadReligion]

verse
As i sit here looking out at
a Wal-Mart parking lot,
I find myself at the place
where everyone shops,
While people rush in I can see
all the different colors of skin,
I can see in a corperate world
there is no room for discrimination,

With all due respect, the fourth and last lines are bull****.

verse
A stout man walks out
with a cart full of junk,
he walks over to his SUV
and proceeds to fill up the trunk,
I can make out a t.v, couple of dvds,
and several other essential nessities

It's all fine and good, until the last line. First of all, essential and necessities, is a little repetitive, and second, a TV and DVD's are in no way necessary to living.

verse
Why do we all have this need,
well its more of a greed,
We want bigger, better,
at a lower price,
it's like sharing a pie,
we all want the bigger slice,

I like the first two lines, but maybe you could find a bit of a better way to say it. The rest is good.

When possesions,
become your greatest obsessions,
you will get caught up in long, dull, depressions,
and that my friend,
is my greatest lesson

My favorite verse, other than the third line, it's really good.

What you need improvement in most is rhyme and imagery, and similies/metaphors wouldn't hurt either.

Please crit at least one of the two (preferably the second).
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=378992
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=378989