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Love2Lust
08-20-2005, 02:31 AM
Smile is the temporary name for it, unless I can get a better one...But anyways C4C...as expected, and thanks for helping me out!

Oh yeah and this is an acoustic song I wrote up, it alternates in speed so if things may read weird, chalk it up to speed variation. Its all changes in voice not music, so just try to find the groove for it and I think it fits nicely, but, we'll see...the end repeats because it fades, so its not just rambling haha. Thanks!


you had a laugh,
you took your time,
I wrote you songs,
with endless rhyme,

but you didnt quite get me,
you never understood,

you never did get me,
I only wished that you could,

Cause we had a good laugh,
through love and hurt it ends,
too bad it had to end like that,
wish that I could make amends,

Cause you smiled,
as you knocked on my door,
1 in the morning,
but it was a time I did adore,
It had been a week since I got back,
9 total I was gone,
took you so long to come to that,
conclusion you were wrong,

so I'll take back what I said,
cause I see I need you now,
your my cute smiled baby girl,
the one I knew just how,

The way she moved the way she talked the way she stood,
She trembled in her clothes, I held her as we stared,
at the moon,
at the moon,

We stood outside the soccer game,
thought maybe it could rain,
but we didnt care,
as long as we were there,

Cause we held and we shook,
your hands in my back pockets and that look,
with that beautiful smile,
it came every once in a while,

A simple song I will write,
a basic melody tonight,
just to show you,
how much I love you,

lets forget all the rest,
and hope for the best, as I sing to you,
oh darling I'll sing to you,


I hope to see you after this,
maybe we will kiss,
even if its the last time,
I hope it'll be alright,

Cause I cant stand a life,
knowing your pain and strife,
would be because of me,
so just take the word from me


I'll take back what I said,
cause I see I need you now,
your my cute smiled baby girl,
the one I knew just how,

The way she moved the way she talked the way she wore her hair,
She trembled in her clothes, I held her as we stared,
at the moon,
at the moon,

We stood outside the soccer game,
thought maybe it could rain,
but we didnt care,
as long as we were there,

Cause we held and we shook,
your hands in my back pockets and that look,
with that beautiful smile,
it came every once in a while,
with your beautiful smile,
I hope to see it in a while,
with your beautiful smile,

Electric Riley
08-20-2005, 06:06 AM
One song per day.

Love2Lust
08-20-2005, 11:25 PM
yeah sorry i just read this in the rules,
[+] do not come on here one day, and decide that you should mass post a culmination of everything you have written in the past 15 years. having an entire page of threads of your work clutters the board, and in the end you will get much less valuable input overall. i completely understand (i've been there) when the creative juices flow and you write several amazing things in one day. inspiration strikes. thats fine. post them up. it might be in your best interest to space them out a little bit, however.

didnt notice they changed it further on in the rules post. sorry!

yellow_polka.tie
08-21-2005, 01:53 AM
i'm gonna crit neways, the song flows near perfectly i really enjoyed that, the way u describe the initial breakdown is really impressive and it was also an excellant point made in the line
Cause we had a good laugh,
through love and hurt it ends,
loved that, the only criticism is while the ending is still very good, it is a bit too reptitious, it could be pulled of inthte song but i don't really like it here, overall 8/10 could you take a look at mine?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=373133

Love2Lust
08-21-2005, 02:01 AM
i had the end set like that to really break the flow up for a slow ending, all music slows to a halt with a fade, but I really see what your saying, I might change it up, thanks man. And I'm gonna crit yours now!

chisox2299
08-21-2005, 02:06 AM
you really had me in the beginning to middle but i have to admit i hated the word strife in it it just sounds too forced to me but it is good a little bit long and repitious(i didnt even read the end) but overall good.....(sorry if you guys think im completely new here but i hadnt used my last account that id been using for around a year for the summer and they shut me down)

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ozzfest05
08-21-2005, 03:21 AM
well, i think this has gone to the cliche side, but besides that i can tell you can write, but i gotta say something about this verse:

I'll take back what I said,
cause I see I need you now,
your my cute smiled baby girl,
the one I knew just how,

like this doesnt flow, awful rhyme and way cliche, i say take it out but thats just my opininon

Love2Lust
08-21-2005, 05:39 PM
^^noted...I'll think of a replacement

ozzfest05
08-21-2005, 05:49 PM
i have one up Withering Away

Love2Lust
08-21-2005, 05:55 PM
lol just did it before I saw that...