Night Eyes Glisten

[factor46]

My last song got great feedback. This time I used a different style of writing. Hopefully I can still get some good comments. :D Please crit. Thanks.


Night Eyes Glisten

What was left of our day has turned to night.

Beat around the bush, oh no, we forgot to double-check.
Holding onto what we gained, ignoring the loss.
Let’s not disregard the funeral.

So many times we misuse what we’ve been given,
You showed me, I helped, but no one knew.

Just a few minor setbacks, nothing too drastic.
“It’s just love” you say,
But you never knew how severe we actually were.

Kväll öga glittra,
Jag älskar dig nu och alltid.

Now it’s time to gather the crowd,
We’ll lead them to the shore, pointing to their graves,
And you spend your last minutes building sandcastles.

What was left of our night put us to sleep.

[titanslax]

What was your other song? I'm very new to this site and don't really know my way around anything. It looks good..i dont really understand where the song is going though.."Now it’s time to gather the crowd,
We’ll lead them to the shore, pointing to their graves,
And you spend your last minutes building sandcastles.

What was left of our night put us to sleep" that part right there..i dont really udnerstand where that came from..i think in the first two stanzas (is that what their called?) you were getting at love and loss? I dont know, im new.

[Sloth]

the last one did get some nice comments, didn't it?
A new style you say? Let's hope it doesn't suck :thumb:


--
What was left of our day has turned to night. I like this. It actually feels like a line I would use to open a piece up.. It's very smooth and it presents a nice idea..


Beat around the bush, oh no, we forgot to double-check.
Holding onto what we gained, ignoring the loss.
Let’s not disregard the funeral. I like this, it's pretty solid as it is, but it feels like the "we forgot to double-check" line/idea should be expanded a little bit. It feels incomplete. Like you need to say just one more thing about it, something you forgot to check for....i don't know... but other than that little detail, this is a good stanza.. (Yes Titan, they're called stanzas :thumb: )


So many times we misuse what we’ve been given,
You showed me, I helped, no one knew. short and simple.. I feel like you should add a "but" in front of "no one knew."


Just a few minor setbacks, nothing too drastic.
“It’s just love” you say,
But you never knew how severe we actually were. love this. At first read, I didn't like "severe" but going through it again, it fits all too well.


Kväll öga glittra,
Jag älskar dig nu och alltid. ummm... yeah... I don't know what that says.. and you didn't even tell us... come on factor, you know better than that.. It looks like Russian or Dutch or I have no idea actually.. I don't know what any language looks like. Just tell me what it means..


Now it’s time to gather the crowd,
We’ll lead them to the shore, pointing to their graves,
And you spend your last minutes building sandcastles. sweet feeling. It's hopeless, but I feel almost arrogant reading it. Like I'm watching them waste their life on worthless things. Maybe I'm reading into things too much, but I like this


What was left of our night put us to sleep. great ending.. It complements the first line very nicely. . I love when first and last lines do that!

Overall- It's a very good piece.. This style seems to fit very nicely with you.. Either that or you were lucky.. haha.. :thumb:

[TojesDolan]

:D lol. Hello stranger.

What was left of our day has turned to night.

Beat around the bush, oh no, we forgot to double-check.
Holding onto what we gained, ignoring the loss.
Let’s not disregard the funeral.
This stanza feels strange for some reason. Maybe it's the oh no. I can't really tell. Something feels out of place. You might want to check it.

So many times we misuse what we’ve been given,
You showed me, I helped, no one knew.

If sung, it may take more sense than read. It took me some reads to get it, and I can say I liked it.

Just a few minor setbacks, nothing too drastic.
“It’s just love” you say,
But you never knew how severe we actually were.
That's a much better stanza. much more "friendly" with the reader. The feeling to it has more edge than the last one, I guess.

Kväll öga glittra,
Jag älskar dig nu och alltid.

I can't read, I can't judge.

Now it’s time to gather the crowd,
We’ll lead them to the shore, pointing to their graves,
And you spend your last minutes building sandcastles.

What was left of our night put us to sleep.

That's a good ending line. I guess for metal/really hard rock It's OK, and it's not deficient as a standalone piece of writing, so I approve. Keep writing.

[factor46]

Thanks alot everyone. I'll take your suggestions, and put them to work....once I get a few more crits. :D

By the way, the Swedish lines say:

"Night eyes glisten,
I love you now and forever."

Sorry I didn't clear that up to begin with.

Any of you have something you want me to crit?

[Late123]

;-)

[factor46]

Alright. Thanks?

[factor46]

Come on, a little more feedback please guys. :D


Bump.

[BlacklightGuitarist]

I really like this. The german (?) bit was different, and I liked that, but the highlight (probably even of my day) was "And you spend your last minutes building sandcastles." That line sent tingles down my spine. Nice job. And as much as I hate to do ask, could you please crit "Philadelphia Experiment"? Much obliged.

[factor46]

Thank you very much blacklight. It was Swedish btw. :thumb:

I'll get to yours right now. :D