Halogenic Misery (will gladly C4C)

[Love2Lust]

a shorter song of mine, and its kind of old too...but I'd be real happy to see what you think of it. I honestly dont know if I plan to do much with it but like I said...its good to know. This is intended to be a light and heavy song, it varies...so lyrics may confuse some, but it makes since with the feel of the song. Will C4C if link provided!


EDITS: I took out quite a bit and switched up quite a few words here and there, hopefully cleared up some spots that threw it off, chances are I made some new ones haha...Thanks to those helping me out!


Halogenic Misery

The lights shine,
halogenic misery reigns,
Your life line,
runs short and straight through your veins,

So in this other light,
I stand with my heart on my sleeve,
so in another life,
I hope you never ****in meet me,

So step back,
into misery,
and listen to the breaking sounds,
just lean back,
right into me,
and see what happens as you hit the ground,

Listening,
rain drops,
Stars fall as time stops,
no air,
cant breathe,
so what,
you run from me,

Moon falls night dies,
no more lonely eyes,

cause I took yours,
away with me,
tell me,
are you listening?

Halogenic misery,
in headlights eyes glistening,
with your halogenic misery,
dont really care to hear you whine to me,

In your,
halogenic misery,
life flies away with me,
halogenic,
misery,
tell me now baby are you listening,

[Sloth]

uh oh, I'm the first one to crit, does your writing suck THAT much? haha, I'm joking..


The lights shine,
halogenic misery reigns,
Your life line,
runs short and straight through your veins this is very smooth. it flows well..


So in this other light,
I stand with my heart on my sleeve,
so in another life,
I hope you never ****in meet me, mmmmm, it's not as good as the previous stanza, but it could work..


So step back,
into misery,
and listen to the breaking sounds,
just lean back,
right into me,
and see what happens as you hit the ground, I like your comparison of 'misery' and 'you'..how leaning back on 'you' causes that person you fall and hit the ground..


So what,
a raging fire,

it wont hurt,
so much unlike your desire, this doesn't feel right at all.. So far, this is the most uncomfortable part of the piece.. "so much unlike your desire" throws it all off.. I suggest you change it.



Listening,
rain drops,
Stars fall as time stops,
no air,
cant breathe,
**** you,
run from me, I like the first 3 lines.. then after that, it goes downhill.. And the '**** you' seems uncalled for.. But do whatever you want..


Moon falls night dies,
no more lonely eyes,

cause I took yours,
away with me,
tell me,
are you listening? this is better than the other little part. I like the idea of taking their eyes off of you but still ask if they're listening.. that subtle contradiction works well..


Halogenic misery,
in headlights eyes glistening,
with your halogenic misery,
dont ****ing care to hear you whine to me, this also feels off. Maybe 'in THE headlights YOUR eyes ARE glistening with VIVID halogenic misery.' That was just a different idea of what you already have..Do whatever you want obviously.. I don't like 'misery' being rhymed with itself. And I don't like the last line at all.. Definately consider changing that.



In your,
halogenic misery,
life flies away with me,
halogenic misery,
baby are you listening,

in your,
halogenic misery... This COULD work if you didn't repeat "halogenic misery" so many times.. By this time in the piece, I'm sick of seeing those words.. Overall- the piece isn't bad. It's sketchy in some places and halogenic misery is uncomfortably used, but it's not a bad piece..

[Love2Lust]

yeah all of it is duely noted...ty!

[jelly_side_down]

So what,
a raging fire,

it wont hurt,
so much unlike your desire,

I agree with Sloth that this is probably the most uncomfortable part of the song. If it were my writing I would change "so much unlike your desire" to simply "like your desire".
The rest of the peice however, I really liked. "Halogenic misery" is repeted a lot, but I'll bet with the music and the style and what not it works fine. Nice job.

[Love2Lust]

thanks alot man, I'm working on editing now, thanks guys!

[DeadReligion]

The only part I had trouble with, was the lines with swearing. It's not the swearing I don't like, it's just, it makes the line sound bad, it seems awkward there. And the **** you line is bad alltogether. Other than that I like it alot. 8/10, and could you crit my Shattered Faith (It's in the thread list)

[Love2Lust]

yeah i was considering replacing those lines already, but thanks alot for helpng me make up my mind haha. I just used it for a more emotional level to the song, but I'm sure its vibe is strange enough so that I can change it...and I'd be happy to crit yours!

[ozzfest05]

one more note near the end it seems like you over use "halogenic misery" it is repeated several times, maybe take some of them out so it is not so repititive but then again it might just be me....good job