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Lowridenn
08-19-2005, 06:44 PM
- Conversations in Short Sleeves and Blue Flip-flops –

Of all the places you could have chosen to sit that night,
You sat here, next to me,
On this old rusted swing set that creaks in my backyard.
I cannot remember what it was that made you leave
But I remember sharply what it was that lead you here.

And for tonight I’ve chosen to recall the mechanic conversation
That led up to your departure, your smile,
And the way you left me that night.
Perhaps it was the night sky…
Perhaps it was the innuendos…
Perhaps it was the way you used to look at me.

Somewhere along the conversation,
I think, maybe we gave up
On pirouettes and half-filled cokes.

It was too cold for short sleeves and sandals.
I haven’t been able to look at blue flip-flops quite the same since.
And December’s long nights only reminded me of how early you left;
We still had hours before the sun was due up.
That may have been the most important night of my life;
If only I hadn’t forgotten to breathe;
If only I hadn’t spoken in grayscale.

Dearest Nicole,
Please understand that we were simply strangers,
Misunderstood at seventeen.

Sloth
08-20-2005, 01:25 AM
:thumb:

Of all the places you could have chosen to sit that night,
You sat here, next to me,
On this old rusted swing set that creaks in my backyard.
I cannot remember what it was that made you leave
But I remember sharply what it was that lead you here. This does a nice job of involving the reader. I can picture myself being there. No complaints.


And for tonight I’ve chosen to recall the mechanic conversation
That led up to your departure, your smile,
And the way you left me that night.
Perhaps it was the night sky…
Perhaps it was the innuendos…
Perhaps it was the way you used to look at me. This is nice. The repetition of "perhaps it was the..." fits very well.. The only thing that threw me off a little was "innuendos." I like the idea, but the word itself is......uncomfortable...


Somewhere along the conversation,
I think, maybe we gave up
On pirouettes and half-filled cokes.
no complaints..


It was too cold for short sleeves and sandals.
I haven’t been able to look at blue flip-flops quite the same since.
And December’s long nights only reminded me of how early you left;
We still had hours before the sun was due up.
That may have been the most important night of my life;
If only I hadn’t forgotten to breathe;
If only I hadn’t spoken in grayscale.
Favorite part. The feel and imagery you have here is perfect.


Dearest Nicole,
Please understand that we were simply strangers,
Misunderstood at seventeen. This is a very nice way of ending this piece. It personalizes the piece as adds a nice touch to it. .

Overall- I love this.. It puts a nice "spin" on the usual way of saying things. I have no major concerns or complaints.. It's very nice. cheers :chug:

TojesDolan
08-20-2005, 01:54 AM
Hello. I have to startf off saying the title was very... strange, in the beggining. Anyhow, the content is what matters, therefore...

I'll make a quick overview of the writing, because a part-by-part review would feel strange in this case: I loved it. I was going to start by praising the first stanza, but it caught me. I wanted to know more, I wanted to finish what I started, something that doesn't happen to me quite frecquently around here. I can't find a single flaw, maybe a little strange thing here and there, but overall it's very well written.

Anyhow, great job, man. I hadn't seen you around this place a lot (Despite you must have been around quite a while) but anyhow, I love your writing. Keep it up. :)

Lowridenn
08-20-2005, 03:17 AM
Thank you two for the positive feedback. This is strange style for me, the simplicity I should say is strange to me.

I have been around for quite some time, Aug of '02, three years. Wow. Three years of coming to these boards, quite often in the beginning, and less frequent as the time passed. I stop by every now and again to check it out. Nostalgia. Well, thanks again.

Lowridenn
08-21-2005, 03:14 AM
Bump

ozzfest05
08-21-2005, 03:18 AM
i dont know it just seems like some parts are cliche mainly the begining maybe its just me though.......

Lowridenn
08-21-2005, 03:00 PM
Explain. Pick out what is cliche. Give me more than that.