Disappearing Ink..........Crit4Crit

[Love2Lust]

crit please. throw up a link ill be happy to crit yours!
long i know, but all my songs are.

Disappearing Ink (Dear Me)

I’m writing you this letter,
to show what you have done,
A simple piece of paper,
on which my blood will run,

I write your name in the header,
hope it won’t catch my eye,
now I write you your simple letter,
and I hope the words will suffice,

You broke a man,
now he’s rusted on your shelf,
you shattered a dream,
did it all by yourself,
you twisted a life,
into a neat little bow,
lined with barbs,
and easily thrown,
you took his life,
into your hands,
squeezed them together,
you see what remains,
you shattered a dream,
that was in yourself,
the only reason to scream,
is because your yourself,
and I,

I’m writing you this letter,
to show what you have done,
A simple piece of paper,
on which my blood will run,

My pen is forged of memory,
and it writes itself so clear,
my hand is still trembling,
from the thought of a yester-year,

Cause you shattered an unbreakable man,
a shot to the glass and you know it caves in,
an unhidable scar,
marked across my chest,
but a new unbreakable man,
is all that is left,
inside,

so I’m writing you this letter,
to show what you have done,
A simple piece of paper,
on which my blood will run,

I write your name in the footer,
I catch it in my eye,
I notice the very name,
which I hold dearly as mine,

a pen forged of memories,
writing ever-clear,
I think of my own mistakes,
and make them,
disappear,

dear me,

[jade858907]

Wow, what can i say? This is sweet, i really like this! god i give it 9.5/10!! i love
Im writing you this letter,
to show what you have done,
A simple peice of paper,
on which my blood will run,
I love this. Keep writing like this!! ~jade

[Atom Heart mother]

I like long stuff a lot, you have a reallly good way with ryhmes i like the ryhme scheme. 9.9/10 :thumb:

[Love2Lust]

haha thanks guys, if you ever have anything that needs a crit send it to me...ill be happy to help you out too!

[Love2Lust]

double post sorry, missed the edit button haha..

But it read out fine then I'm assuming?

[Happy_Squirrel]

Im writing you this letter,
to show what you have done,
A simple peice of paper,
on which my blood will run,

Nice imagery here.

I write your name in the header,
hope it wont catch my eye,
I write you your simple letter,
and I hope that the words will suffice,

This paragraph seemed a little repetitive and unnecessary. It didn't seem to serve a purpose or go anywhere.

you twisted his life,
into a neat bow,
lined with barbs,
and easily thrown,

These few lines seem a little weak to me (the 'everything thrown' line seems a little unfinished: i.e. thrown where?). Other than that, I really like this long verse. Excellent imagery.

My pen is forged of memory,
and it writes itself so clear,
my hand is still trembling,
from the thought of a yester-year,

I think that this is the best part of the piece. Great metaphors. Don't change a thing here.

a pen forged of memories,
writing ever-clear,
I think of my own mistakes,
and make them,
disappear,

dear me,

An excellent ending. I think that this is a really good piece that could be great with a bit of editing. 8.5/10 :thumb:

Please crit mine if you get the chance: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=378913

[jelly_side_down]

Im writing you this letter,
to show what you have done,
A simple peice of paper,
on which my blood will run,

absoulutly lovely.

You broke a man,
now hes rusted on your shelf,
you shattered a dream,
did it all by yourself,
you twisted his life,
into a neat bow,
lined with barbs,
and easily thrown,
you took his life,
into your hands,
squeezed them together,
you see what remains,
you shattered a dream,
that was in yourself,
the only reason to scream,
is because your yourself,
and I,

This is my favorite part of the entire song. I love everything about it except for the last couple lines, I don't really understand them.

This song is great, I'm going to go look for other things you've written now! :thumb:

[Love2Lust]

thanks alot guys,

oh and happy squirrel, the second comment you posted...I have that part so you really know its about a letter being written, just diving into the body of the song seemed kind of sudden to me, so I made sure to clear up the issue of the subject.

jelly side down,
the last few lines show that he notices hes writing to himself, and hates how his life is turning out due to struggling through it all. and the 'and I,' part is just a set up for the chorus

again thanks alot guys, again if you ever need anything to be critted, throw me a link, I'd be happy to help!

[Love2Lust]

sry for double post, but did you guys by any chance find these two lines too close with the word life? I mean it would be hard to change it but through reading a working with it again, I was wondering if you guys found any problem with the flow?

You broke a man,
now hes rusted on your shelf,
you shattered a dream,
did it all by yourself,
you twisted his life,
into a neat bow,
lined with barbs,
and easily thrown,
you took his life,
into your hands,
squeezed them together,
you see what remains,
you shattered a dream,
that was in yourself,
the only reason to scream,
is because your yourself,
and I,

[ozzfest05]

pretty much everything has been said but i will go ahead i really like the theme that u got for this one not overdone or nething and it flows well, so good job,.
i would give it 7/10
sweet sweet keep on writing

[Animas Animosity]

Wow, this is so good i cant think of anything to say about it, but wow.
Great job!

[Love2Lust]

thanks alot guys, really appreaciate your crits, I'll be very sure to post some more of my writings...thanks, I'll work on critting some of your guys' stuff now...haha, again thanks!

and this is the firs ttime I've used nearly one single verse that works as the meat of the song, surprised it worked out like it did haha :lol:

[Sacking101]

Very nice man. Great uses of metaphorical and symbolical devices. Great imagery used through out the piece as well. Good job man.

9.5/10

[Ryanj]

well done :)

[ATC]

Good effort. I didn't see the last twist coming too well. :thumb:
I was expecting this to be a letter to a girl type lyric. A letter to yourself is really a nice concept. Your obvious strength is your flow. You aren't doing anything fancy with it, but it's solid and powerful.

you twisted his life,
into a neat bow,
lined with barbs,
and easily thrown,
you took his life,

I'd change the 'his' in there. Assuming you meant the lyric to be slightly schizophrenic like I think you did, that part doesn't work. You took a life suits your purpose better.
Mine's somewhere on page 1 if you want to crit.

[RBXJM]

sry for double post, but did you guys by any chance find these two lines too close with the word life?


Nah, its all good. keep it.
I'd say more, but everyone else beat me to it. Overall, i give it one of these :thumb: , and a couple of these :D :D

[DoubtingVada]

Let me just say, this is one of the first pieces with an obvious rhyme scheme that I actually like. You pulled it off :)


Im writing you this letter,
to show what you have done,
A simple peice of paper,
on which my blood will run,

Awesome

I write your name in the header,
hope it wont catch my eye,
I write you your simple letter,
and I hope that the words will suffice,

I don't like the word 'suffice' there .... if you could just change that ONE word, it would make the world of difference (in my opinion)

You broke a man,
now hes rusted on your shelf,
you shattered a dream,
did it all by yourself,
you twisted his life,
into a neat bow,
lined with barbs,
and easily thrown,
you took his life,
into your hands,
squeezed them together,
you see what remains,
you shattered a dream,
that was in yourself,
the only reason to scream,
is because your yourself,
and I,

It sounds slightly manic. I like it.

My pen is forged of memory,
and it writes itself so clear,
my hand is still trembling,
from the thought of a yester-year,

.... that first line is gold.

I write your name in the footer,
I catch it in my eye,
I notice the very name,
which I hold dearly as mine,

Again, awesome.

a pen forged of memories,
writing ever-clear,
I think of my own mistakes,
and make them,
disappear,

dear me,

This piece is really well written. 8.5/10 :thumb:

[Love2Lust]

I'd change the 'his' in there. Assuming you meant the lyric to be slightly schizophrenic like I think you did, that part doesn't work. You took a life suits your purpose better.
Mine's somewhere on page 1 if you want to crit.

okay I will do that, thanks, for some reason I found it weird with the two 'his lifes' right there together, thanks for the tip...

will do yours now too...


again thanks everyone for all the positive feedback!

[Love2Lust]

I'm working on music for this now, so if I ever get it just perfect, I'll upload it for you guys to see what you helped me with...again...if I get it perfect haha...thanks again...any more crits? any more things for me to crit?!



**** this song has over 193 views...shocking for me lol

[Nightvision]

you want a crit on this one?

[Love2Lust]

if you want, I'm happy to accept crits still

[Nightvision]

Disappearing Ink (Dear Me)

Im writing you this letter,
to show what you have done,
A simple peice of paper,
on which my blood will run,

Nice tidy use of language here, but there's nothing particularly stunning imagery-wise. The only fault I picked up is that piece is spelled ie. :)

I write your name in the header,
hope it wont catch my eye,
I write you your simple letter,
and I hope that the words will suffice,

Good, you're not forcing rhymes which is a good sign, and even though your syntax isn't brilliant here, the rhymes don't feel forced, and a potential glaring error becomes only a regular one.

You broke a man,
now hes rusted on your shelf,
you shattered a dream,
did it all by yourself,

Whatthe... what the heck happened to your structure?! I understand you maybe don't want a rigid 4-line, 3-verse structure, but this could really harm the song, particularly when it comes to writing the music and the vocal melody. Also, the first signs of some forced rhyming here in shelf/self... the last line gave you away.

you twisted a life,
into a neat little bow,
lined with barbs,
and easily thrown,

nice imagery, and you've dug yourself out of the rigid rhyming with nice use of the bow/thrown half-rhyme.

you took his life,
into your hands,
squeezed them together,
you see what remains,

no need for commas after every line. :) this bit lacks flair or imagination, and you're just hammering the point home, which you don't need to do. You can leave some things to the reader's imagination.

you shattered a dream,
that was in yourself,
the only reason to scream,
is because your yourself,
and I,

grammar check - fourth line should read "you're yourself" - it shouldn't matter anyway, as it doesn't read well, and I'd suggest changing it regardless.

My pen is forged of memory,
and it writes itself so clear,
my hand is still trembling,
from the thought of a yester-year,

several grammar and syntax errors here - pen is forged from memory, the second line isn't right at all... how can it write itself? you can't write a pen... fourth line - you can't have A yesteryear... you can talk about yesteryear, but there is no such thing as A yesteryear, as it's not an object with a singular meaning.

Cause you shattered an unbreakable man,
a shot to the glass you know it caves in,
an unhidable scar,
marked across my chest,
but a new unbreakable man,
is all that is left,
inside,

I would change one of the uses of 'unbreakable man' - the way you've used it here is contradictory and doesn't make much sense. The second line is a bit iffy as well - just needs a bit of word-juggling.

I write your name in the footer,
I catch it in my eye,
I notice the very name,
which I hold dearly as mine,

Nice - going back to the 'header' part in the beginning... good work.

a pen forged of memories,
writing ever-clear,
I think of my own mistakes,
and make them,
disappear,

See my previous line about your first line, but the rest of this stanza is okay.

dear me

Not much to add, really!

Overall:
This isn't a bad piece. It needs some major editing, and you could probably more or less cut out that entire huge chunk in the middle and not really lose much in the way of your song... it just feels like a great big dead weight on your piece that you're for some reason attached to and won't let go of, even though it's obvious it no longer belongs.
I would hesitate to say this is as good as some of the reviews you've had... I would struggle to find many reasons to justify giving it 8s 9s and above, but you do have a solid foundation for what could become a very good piece if you continue to work on it. Go back to this, and really be ruthless - get rid of anything you think needs to go, because this song is full of dead weight. You will only benefit from it. :)

Score:

73%

[Nightvision]

there, huge critique++

[Love2Lust]

great crit ty!

I changed the structure at the point I did and made it one whole verse because thats how it is with the music, its slightly quicker, and it is all together, not really to many pauses, I was waiting t see if anyone said anything about the mispellings, thats why I kept this bumped, you have a good eye.

The whole unbreakable man thing, I threw the word new in there for a reason haha, (apparently what he thought was unbreakable the first time wasnt quite it...do I smell a sequel!?...nope I dont)so, yeah I noticed myself creating a contradiction there, again nice eye for catching it, I can tell you really look over songs when you crit them, which is great to see others other than myself haha, although I obviously dont search mine all over as much as I do with other peoples songs...but again, great catch.

And about the pen, I usually am not the thing that leaks the ink on to paper, it is, but I do see what you mean, again, very nice, thanks for pointing it out.

Thanks for the great crit man, happy to see some people putting alot of effort rather than saying, OMG THIS IS TEH ROX!!! 9.999/10!!!! Haha, so thanks, all of what you said is being taken into consideration as well, no matter good or bad haha. Good work on the crit again, keep it up!

oh yeah, one last thing, I only have commas everywhere for personal reference, its just so its easier for me to know where to breathe or just a quick pause, but again...

Oh and what did you mean the last line gave me away?...you mean the twist in the song?

[Nightvision]

no problem - I try to give as much detail as possible when critting, as I know how much a decent honest crit can help if you're not sure about something.

If you fancy taking a look at my recent (still on the first page) piece 'Chasing Games', by all means do so. :)

EDIT: I meant that the last line had shown that the rhyming was forced - sorry, poor context. :)

[Love2Lust]

yeah man no at all!

[Love2Lust]

Okay, bumping this because I went back and edited a few more things, and am actually thinking about using this song with a new project band I'm working with...so again if anyone wants to crit, I'm glad to give back...

Again thanks to everyone who has helped me thus far...thanks! haha.

(310 views...lol, I still am shocked I've gotten over 100 haha)

[Love2Lust]

Yeah I know that this song is pretty old but I'd figured I'd do a quick update...we played this song in the format in which its written above (edited, thanks to all those who helped) and rocked the ****ing house. We played at a battle of the bands type of thing in a contest and won...thanks for the 300$ guys!