Black

[JaveryAM]

I haven't submitted a lyric in here in forever, so please critique. Full crits are greatly appreciated. Thank you!


Black

Coiled heartache in the sanctity of my embrace
The tangled loss of self-defiance
My cowardice portrays a brighter image
No more do I act as a man I am not
For the world is black

No more does my self health continue straddled on normality
But it sways on the brink of the greatest of waves
And it buckles under the pressure of misplacement
Losing that altruisticism once held in the depths
For the world is black

Weeping?
Flowers?
Memories?
Yes.
Those are such fine reminders of the beauty of our past.
Such fine reminders.
Heartache is the easiest form of self-depletion
Lose yourself in your death
Lose yourself in your mourning

[ozzfest05]

your using great words but they dont seem to flow, maybe revise n try again, i love the overall idea though....if u have time check mine out i have a few

[fender16strat]

decent write up but u have some flowing problems. crit me if u get a chance. i have a song called "life a second time around" on this page

[PunkyMcEmo]

Structure:
the free verse verses work. this would sound good either poetic over dissonanty chords, or rasping yelling over drop C double bass metal riffs. or a combonation of both. thatd be sweet.

Content:
pretty good, but the topic of 'ive become black and heartless. death to who i used to be' is a really big metal cliche, and even though you have great imagery and word choice, it doesnt cover up the cliche. still good though, just done a lot.

overall, good poetic song. 7.5/10 because its cliched