~Stampede~

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

~Stampede~

Had a razorblade shower to rid of your stink
Back-lit, mirrored scene with my head in the sink
Asking the drain if he's seen my keys
"Try again, nicer, and on your knees"
But I'd pickpocket mordar shells just to see you lighten up
Instead I'm measuring ripples as the faucet sheds teardrops
Despite your best efforts, the sun came up again today
Hop-scotch, he-loves-me-nots, we've all seen better days

I saw the cloud of dust rising in the distance
Heard the hoof-beat
Shaking my feet
And it hit me like a thousand charging steeds
I stepped back two feet
And felt the stampede

Must have a fever, you can see it in my cheeks
A deep, blood-red like the color of your sheets
Your silhouette flashes every ten seconds, then nine
Counting thunderclaps, with unblinking eyes
Creeping so slowly as your tears race from eye to chin
If chance permits a brand new day, let us begin
I sat up all night waiting, watching with an opened mind
My time's not up yet so let's toast the the next-in-line

I saw the cloud of dust rising in the distance
Heard the hoof-beat
Shaking my feet
And it hit me like a thousand charging steeds
I stepped back two feet
And felt the stampede




-Acoustic-ish, with lot's of sweet guitar fills and stuff over it. Haven't posted much stuff here lately, I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things.

[CognitiveVertigo]

Hey, I really like this, i can visualize what's going on. I think my favorite line was
"Your silhouette flashes every ten seconds, then nine
Counting thunderclaps, with unblinking eyes"
It has this consistent rhythm to it that really works quite well.

The only thing I can say about this right now constructively is that you should maybe add something else to it? Another verse, or bridge, or something of the sort, it may be a bit too repetitive with vocals and music, but who knows, it's just an assumption.

Your imagery is great though, especially in the first verse, I really like your choice of words too. I'd like to see more of your work.

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

Thank you much, I do agree that I need another verse or something, but I haven't got around to doing it yet. Anyone else?

[ozzfest05]

i liked your wording but some parts seemed force this one stood out to me the most

Must have a fever, you can see it in my cheeks
A deep, blood-red like the color of your sheets

i think you could have done better here, any perticular influence to this song
hit back,

check mine if u get the chance i have a few

[Wannabe Steve Harris]

I was kinda turned off after the first line but it actually got better and I could almost hear it set to some heavier/alternative music. Not too bad, I will be interested in checking out some of your other stuff.

[tearyan]

I really liked it. Acoustic? I'd have to hear that. You had some decent imagery, but I think acoustic would be the best choice seeing as it would just be loud were it to be played in an alternative song. I think if you can make it work acoustically it will be more attention grabbing.

8+/10

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

Thanks everyone

[ToxicFerret5489]

Dunno if you remember me man, I stopped posting regularly like five months ago or something. Anyway, this looked like as good a place to get back into things here as any, so here goes.

Had a razorblade shower to rid of your stink
Back-lit, mirrored scene with my head in the sink
Asking the drain if he's seen my keys
"Try again, nicer, and on your knees"
But I'd pickpocket mordar shells just to see you lighten up
Instead I'm measuring ripples as the faucet sheds teardrops
Despite your best efforts, the sun came up again today
Hop-scotch, he-loves-me-nots, we've all seen better days

The first four lines aren't as good as the last four in this stanza. I think this is because the last four are in my opinion a lot catchier. Rhyming today with days isnt really a problem here, and "Hop-scotch, he-loves-me-nots, we've all seen better days" is quite catchy. It's nice to see something that's well written that's also catchy I think.

I saw the cloud of dust rising in the distance
Heard the hoof-beat
Shaking my feet
And it hit me like a thousand charging steeds
I stepped back two feet
And felt the stampede

Errrr..... The first three lines are great, but I don't know about "And it hit me like a thousand charging steeds", since I'm pretty positive steeds isn't actually a plural form of steed, and all around thats just a weird simile. I can see "and it hit me like ______", that works, but its just a rather unusual comparison to make I think, it's a bit distracting.

Must have a fever, you can see it in my cheeks
A deep, blood-red like the color of your sheets
Your silhouette flashes every ten seconds, then nine
Counting thunderclaps, with unblinking eyes
Creeping so slowly as your tears race from eye to chin
If chance permits a brand new day, let us begin
I sat up all night waiting, watching with an opened mind
My time's not up yet so let's toast the the next-in-line

The only thing wrong with this at all I think is the next-in-line part. It's just a bit unclear what's next in line, but that's forgiven since the flow of this stanza's so nice.

Anyway, thats a brilliant song man. I think the chorus is a bit odd, not necessarily weak, but aside from that it works very well.

Crit me back if you get a chance, my song's called The Walking Dead.

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

Thanks, yeah I remember you. I'll check your song out.

[chevelle07]

dude, i love this song. It just spoke to me, your word usage is extremely good in my opinion. It just flowed right for me. 9/10 from me. Keep it up, i wanna see more