"Crawl Out" Crit Me and Suggest

[BobaloGDOG]

"Crawl Out"

Hate.
It's all I feel from you.
Just no matter what you do.
I feel this love, I want.
You don't.
Want anything that way,
want anything at all.


You make me crawl out.
You make me seep in.
I want rid of myself.
I wanna be in your skin.
You make me crawl out.
You make me seep in.
I want rid of myself.
I wanna be in your skin.


Change.
It's what we're afraid to do.
All because of you.
Our hearts have finally grew,
and you know what's wrong.

Symptom.
The way we sit, the way we talk.
The way we live, the way we walk.
That's all we are.
Just all we'll be.
Trying to get free from me,
just as useless as can be.


You make me crawl out.
You make me seep in.
I want rid of myself.
I wanna be in your skin.
You make me crawl out.
You make me seep in.
I want rid of myself.
I wanna be in your skin.




...crit all you want, thanks. I don't care if it sucks really bad. I'm a horrible writer in the first place.

[Wannabe Steve Harris]

Well as I said in earlier posts I think a lot of songwriting (especially in the alternative and metal realm) is about rhythm and flow and I can see this song having some of that. It's not always about being the deepest and choosing the most eloquent or descriptive words. Sometimes simplicity does just fine.

My only question is, have you written any songs that are more uplifting, etc?

[CognitiveVertigo]

Just a question, is Silverchair a big influence on your lyric writing?

[BobaloGDOG]

I've never really heard that much Silverchair to be honest. I write with no influence.

[BobaloGDOG]

Anyone else have some ideas or words to criticize me with?

[Ner: I'm Back]

umm... i sense likin park reeking throughout it... blah.. if u scream it to where no one can understand it that would be good.

[ozzfest05]

lol, umm whats the meaning is it supposed to be about how you feel about another or is it just something that means nothing to you,, and you shouldnt end on the chorus write another paragraph (if u want) for the ending and that would help...cool

check out Alone In The Darkness

[BobaloGDOG]

umm... i sense likin park reeking throughout it... blah.. if u scream it to where no one can understand it that would be good.


eww..

No.


Don't get me wrong, Linkin Park had some good times. The screaming and similarity to each song got worse and worse as they went.
But my band isn't really like that.. we're more of a mix like..
Chevelle, Glassjaw, Staind, Cold
..something like that.

[insaneflyingmonkey]

I really like it. Great flow, sounds like an Agnostic Front kinda song to me.

[Sheev]

I don't know what kind of music you are going for, but if death metal/screamer, i like it, 7/10.

[DeadReligion]

Pretty good.

Hate.
It's all I feel from you.
Just no matter what you do.
I feel this love, I want.
You don't.
Want anything that way,
want anything at all.

I think the way you have one word as the first line, and then explain it through the rest of the verse is a really cool idea. I can also totally relate to this verse. I enjoy what I can relate to.


You make me crawl out.
You make me seep in.
I want rid of myself.
I wanna be in your skin.
You make me crawl out.
You make me seep in.
I want rid of myself.
I wanna be in your skin.


I can't relate to this as much, but it is still good. The first three lines are good, but the fourth, just wasn't that good to me...

Change.
It's what we're afraid to do.
All because of you.
Our hearts have finally grew,
and you know what's wrong.

I can relate to this again, and it sounds good to me. Definetly rhymes fine, and flows fine.

Symptom.
The way we sit, the way we talk.
The way we live, the way we walk.
That's all we are.
Just all we'll be.
Trying to get free from me,
just as useless as can be.

I like this verse alot too. The rhyming is fine, simple, but the rhymes themselves are good. It flows nicely as well.


8/10, probably. Don't know how helpful I was, but I'm not in a great mood right now, so whatever. You might want to work with making your rhymes and their schemes a little more complex, but like another person said, sometimes simplicity is good.

[hotcod32]

nothing that hasn't been said, in the same way, if not the same exact words by a 100 other angsty teenages when the girl they like turns them down and they write a song in the hope it will win her over by showing how deep you are... which would proably only just make her run miles becuse shes only talked to you twice in your life...

Now don't get me wrong, i'm a strong beliver in "simple" songs, in that you don't have to be up your own *** and useing words no one knows in stupid ways to say somthing that can be said much beautifuly and much more powerful in simple ways... but becuse you saying "i feel this" and "you feel that" so often and so quickly in short lines that what images and ideas and feelings your useing are geting tide up and lost becuse your not expanding on them... there just no depth to anything about the song.... its the kind of song every one writes at some point, and like every one elses it simply isn't that good...

You have an good understanding of rythem, and your useing intresting images and stuff at points, but i'm simply not a fan of these kind of songs you deffently have talent there and you should try and expand out take some of the one line images like (the horiably over used) "be in your skin" or somthing and try writeing 2 or 3 lines around that image and its feelings and explan WHY you want to be in her skin... the chorus its self is somthing i can see being fun as a sing along brige that ties in to images that have been expanded and explaned in the rest of the song...

[BobaloGDOG]

nothing that hasn't been said, in the same way, if not the same exact words by a 100 other angsty teenages when the girl they like turns them down and they write a song in the hope it will win her over by showing how deep you are... which would proably only just make her run miles becuse shes only talked to you twice in your life...

Now don't get me wrong, i'm a strong beliver in "simple" songs, in that you don't have to be up your own *** and useing words no one knows in stupid ways to say somthing that can be said much beautifuly and much more powerful in simple ways... but becuse you saying "i feel this" and "you feel that" so often and so quickly in short lines that what images and ideas and feelings your useing are geting tide up and lost becuse your not expanding on them... there just no depth to anything about the song.... its the kind of song every one writes at some point, and like every one elses it simply isn't that good...

You have an good understanding of rythem, and your useing intresting images and stuff at points, but i'm simply not a fan of these kind of songs you deffently have talent there and you should try and expand out take some of the one line images like (the horiably over used) "be in your skin" or somthing and try writeing 2 or 3 lines around that image and its feelings and explan WHY you want to be in her skin... the chorus its self is somthing i can see being fun as a sing along brige that ties in to images that have been expanded and explaned in the rest of the song...


lol..
well, actually I have a girlfriend..
we've been going strong for close to 3 months.. You may not believe it, seeing how this is the internet, but it's the truth. I wrote the song.. because.. I don't know how I came up with it.. it's just one of those things.. Yeah.

[hotcod32]

well i never said you didn't :P what i did say is that the song is almost exactly like one writen by that kind of kid when he gets turned down, thats all :) and i know, you don't always have to write about your life, songs are storys i know i write about storys that intrest me and thats not always anything to do with my life

[Gypsy Campervan]

To be honest, I read the opening word, 'hate', and didn't bother reading any farther.

[BobaloGDOG]

To be honest, I read the opening word, 'hate', and didn't bother reading any farther.


LMAO!

That was probably the best idea ever. No one should've read it. It really is that bad.

[BobaloGDOG]

Anyone else have anything to say?