The Buried And The Forgotten (Crit 4 Crit)

[ozzfest05]

The Buried And The Forgotten


Fire consumes the world; you try not to embrace it,
Feels like hell is raising over, but few shall now face it,
You among many, would like to run away,

But who among the plenty shall rise up and say,
Remember the ones, the buried and the forgotten,
For what they have done, and now they are rotting,

You can’t forget the past, without accepting the future,
If only peace could last, without another suture,
Medics and soldiers are running about the grounds,
Badgering, fighting and shooting off their rounds,

When will they see, war is no solution,
The real war we fight is just an illusion
We put a twist on the truth, and lie in the papers,
We corrupt are youth, And unleash bad vapors,

Pollution is a problem, but we rather fight wars,
A revolution is coming, in through those doors,
And now we remember the ones, the buried and the forgotten,
For what they have done, and now they are rotting,

Let them rest in peace, and always be remembered,
For they are the deceased, who died on that November.
They are the buried and the forgotten

All lyrics By Kyle Hoddinott

others by me, Stand Up And Fight (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=374126) ,A Fallen Soldier (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=373630) ,Highly Contagious (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=374368)

[PunkyMcEmo]

Fire consumes the world; you try not to embrace it,
Feels like hell is raising over, but few shall now face it,
You among many, would like to run away,
^eh. kinda draws the listener in. the second line is kinda weird. the last line has potential to sound okay, but only if its reworded. overalll... eh.

But who among the plenty shall rise up and say,
Remember the ones, the buried and the forgotten,
For what they have done, and now they are rotting,
^ its a cool idea, but the wording is pretty bad, in my own opinion. good try though

You can’t forget the past, without accepting the future,
If only peace could last, without another suture,
Medics and soldiers are running about the grounds,
Badgering, fighting and shooting off their rounds,
^ suture? if thats a real word, it sounds like you put it in to rhyme. i think you can do better. the last 2 lines are pretty good. :] props for you
EDIT: i looked up suture
su·ture: The process of joining two surfaces or edges together along a line by or as if by sewing.
wouldnt you want ppl to be sewn together? isnt that what peace is?


When will they see, war is no solution,
The real war we fight is just an illusion
We put a twist on the truth, and lie in the papers,
We corrupt are youth, And unleash bad vapors,
^ kill the bad vapors. i heard basd vapors and thought oh halitosis (which i doubt is what you meant) again, good idea, you just need to practice getting good images and making it fit. the 3rd line wasnt bad, its like 'the real enemy is:'

Pollution is a problem, but we rather fight wars,
A revolution is coming, in through those doors,
And now we remember the ones, the buried and the forgotten,
For what they have done, and now they are rotting,
^ i hate your wordings, but your ideas arent bad. practice practice practice.

Let them rest in peace, and always be remembered,
For they are the deceased, who died on that November.
They are the buried and the forgotten
^ umm. why november?

the whole 'dead soldiers, war' idea wasnt bad. but i really disliked your word choices and the way it flowed (or didnt flow.) not a bad attempt. keep practicing. 6/10

[ozzfest05]

the reason i used november is because my uncle died at war on november 13, 2003.
what i meant by no more sutures is that their would not be need to sew wounds if their are none, and the reason i wrote this song was basically it meant something to me, their are parts i will continue to work on, i like the way you listen to the words i wrote, some ppl just skim over and give bad crits that dont really tell you anything, thanks for the advice/criticism,

[ozzfest05]

any others

[Wannabe Steve Harris]

I think I like this one a little better than the other one (though I am never real partial to anti-war songs ) but I agree the "vapors" line has to go. Other than that it's got potential.

[ozzfest05]

ok, so rewrite the bad vapours line, my friends also agreed it sounds a little off, so ill get working on that, any others..

[Crimsonpunk]

Wow man, this is sic, the first verse is the strongest, but the rest is all good aswell. My only suggestion is find something else instead of 'badgering' I just don't like the word, but that's just me.
Btw suchering, or however it's spelt, means stitching, am i right?

They locked you up, they threw away the key, suchered your mouth shut, murdered your family - Alkaline trio

[ozzfest05]

yes the word suture mean to stitch or sew something as in like stitches to close a wound. thanks for the crit, ill keep working on it thanks for the advice, keep posting your song aswell crit 4 crit remember...

[tearyan]

Fire consumes the world; you try not to embrace it,
Feels like hell is raising over, but few shall now face it,
You among many, would like to run away,
^Not bad maybe ditching the you would sound better. I know you're removing the listener from the context of the song but I think it lends more meaning to it if you were to write just "try not to embrace it" it seems more direct to the listener in my opinion. Also maybe "Among the many..." would sound better. Especially since in the next bit you say "Among the plenty"

But who among the plenty shall rise up and say,
Remember the ones, the buried and the forgotten,
For what they have done, and now they are rotting,
^ For some reason rotting just doesn't seem like it fits with the rest of the diction of this part of the song.

You can’t forget the past, without accepting the future,
If only peace could last, without another suture,
Medics and soldiers are running about the grounds,
Badgering, fighting and shooting off their rounds,
^I agree badgering does not work here, otherwise I like this part.

When will they see, war is no solution,
The real war we fight is just an illusion
We put a twist on the truth, and lie in the papers,
We corrupt are youth, And unleash bad vapors,
^ Yeah I also agree "And unleash the bad vapors" doesn't work well, maybe something about youth being "time wasters" would work. I don't know this part started well and I liked it the whole "We corrupt are youth..." line needs rewording.

Pollution is a problem, but we rather fight wars,
A revolution is coming, in through those doors,
And now we remember the ones, the buried and the forgotten,
For what they have done, and now they are rotting,
^ I like this as well but the rotting word choice just doesn't do it for me.

Let them rest in peace, and always be remembered,
For they are the deceased, who died on that November.
They are the buried and the forgotten

^Nice ending, even though the November part is unrelatable for the listener it does add a nice personal significance.

[P.rocker]

Hmmmm....not bad, not bad man. You don't have to make every verse rhyme though my friend. That gets cliche after a while and you could have more fun experimenting with some new formulas. The song about your uncle though is a good idea. Writing a song for a loved one. I respect that greatly. In the future just make the flow a little better and try some different forumulas, but not bad. 7/10

[ozzfest05]

my next some i think im going to take a whole different aprroach i like switching things up... but for some reason i really like this one... thanks for the crit though, ill take a
7...lol

[Slash Jr.]

good song...well written..i agree with a few ppl first verse is strongest..8/10

[AARGitrStar]

good idea... bad word choice... overall the song definitely has potential, there are a few spots that need work (bad vapors) once you get it fine tuned it should be a real good song. 7/10

[ChAoSbAsSiSt]

Fire consumes the world; you try not to embrace it,
Feels like hell is raising over, but few shall now face it,--i'd take out the word "now"
You among many, would like to run away,

But who among the plenty shall rise up and say,--i'd change "among" b/c you just used it above
Remember the ones, the buried and the forgotten,
For what they have done, [and now they are rotting,]-i'd change that around some

You can’t forget the past, without accepting the future,
If only peace could last, without another suture,
Medics and soldiers are running about the grounds,
Badgering, fighting and shooting off their rounds,--really like that verse

When will they see, war is no solution,
The real war we fight is just an illusion
We put a twist on the truth, and lie in the papers,
We corrupt are youth, [And unleash bad vapors,]---this is a little odd

Pollution is a problem, but we rather fight wars,
A revolution is coming, in through those doors,
And now we remember the ones, the buried and the forgotten,
For what they have done, [and now they are rotting,]-i'd change that around some


Let them rest in peace, and always be remembered,
For they are the deceased, who died on that November.
They are the buried and the forgotten--i like this, and i like that you used November, b/c with that it gives the feeling that it holds some personal meaning to you and it's not just a song about war in general, it's a song about someone close to you.

i like it :thumb:

[ozzfest05]

thanks Chaos ill be sure to check your work, thanks everyone for advice/criticism and ill be sure to reword the parts that need to be tampered with..