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d0ped0g
08-05-2005, 08:36 AM
Just a stream of consciousness song/poem I wrote
post a link to ur song if you want a crit


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JOURNAL OF THE UNCONCIOUS
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Sick of the same old
Poetic anomalies, and subliminal nothings
One by one, Into your mind
They fall like lemmings
The subconscious sedates the nobodies
Into bowing to their torture
Moments from the shadows
Of their delirium departure
A suicide-note soliloquy
Full of plastic patience
Tediously told
Nothing makes much sense
These transparent infinities
Bleeding through the same picked scab
It seeps through the cracks you build
Around the life you live a trap
Imaginations sought through violence
Selling their serenades of silence
A parallel spectrum
To the light that chains you in
Unthought-of and unspoken
The rise of the toll begins
Embracing the ideals of the inanimate
The sickle plays no favourites
Wreathing wreckage upon the living
Blurring the lines between taking and giving
A missing chromosome
In a mystery with no answers
Treating their souls
With dreamers and dancers
d0ped0g
08-07-2005, 05:50 AM
bump
Behind Zildjians
08-07-2005, 08:22 AM
pretty good, i cant really hear it though... i like how it got me thinking and good use of imagery words

8.5/10

check mine out

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=375731
Wannabe Steve Harris
08-07-2005, 09:16 AM
Not a huge favorite of mine (though I liked one of the others you wrote). Kinda seems like a jumble of words just smushed together with no real flow. I can't really decipher the message either.
tearyan
08-07-2005, 09:42 AM
I'm a big fan of stream of concious writing. Great use of imagery and alliteration, the alliteration just drives it forward. I can't think of any changes for the sheer fact it is stream of concious

9+/10

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=375882
d0ped0g
08-09-2005, 05:29 PM
thank you... will get on2 ur crits
keep em coming
BlastFunk03
08-09-2005, 08:17 PM
it's not really that appealing to me personaly, but it's very creative. i was also impressed with the vocabulary. even though i don't really connect with it, it's a lot better than the other lyrics on here. 8/10


mine: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=376982