Metalish ballad I wrote a few years back

[Wannabe Steve Harris]

I guess I'l give this a try, as I have written some lyrics and yet to use them with any music...lemme know.

This one here is a metalish ballad that I wrote in 2001, and I actually let a band use it but they broke up!

The tangle of our eyes makes me wonder to myself
Is this where it will begin, or maybe end?
So many ways to caress love's awakening
That often double as ways to mend

We walked in other worlds, you and I
Though circling ever closer with each day
Subtly and playfully reaching through the divide
Hoping the other would come through and stay

Pre Chorus:
Passions will build, temperatures rise
The heat of longing burns deep within these eyes
Both us wish for the other to give in
Yet so frightened of our own demise

Chorus:
Take that first step
Headlong into the fire
Give in to what your heart yearns for
We're unable to run from loves desire

[aerialrevenge]

Seems kind of short, but it's good. No real problem with structure, rhyme, and rhythem. Music would add to it well. Nice job ;p 7/10

[Wannabe Steve Harris]

Yeah the funny thing about this tune was that it wasn't done but my buddy Lance liked the song and I told him he could use it and they just repeated like the first few verses after the second chorus or something if I remember right. They broke up shortly after because the drummer used to drink like 15 Heffenreffers before practice and played like s**t and they all just kinda started hating one another. Funny stuff.

Thanks again.

[Biancazzurri]

The problem of the song is that there is no problem if you get what i mean.
What does it talk about?

[Wannabe Steve Harris]

The problem of the song is that there is no problem if you get what i mean.
What does it talk about?
The "problem" or conflict is one that shows up in lots of songs, the promise/possibility of love that is hampered by certain obstacles. In this piece (which I wrote like 15 years ago) I chose to not outline the specfics of those obstacles, but then again I didn't finish the song either!

[factor46]

This is a very nicely written piece. I liked the first stanza alot. Very poetic. The only thing I don't like about it is that it rhymes. I personally hate lyrics that rhyme. To me, it lessens the quality of the writing. And that might sound retarded, but that's only my opinion. So don't worry about it. :thumb: Nice idea behind the song, and it flows well too. I enjoyed reading it. :D 8/10.


Could you leave a comment on my newest?
http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=374719
-Thanks.

[Wannabe Steve Harris]

This is a very nicely written piece. I liked the first stanza alot. Very poetic. The only thing I don't like about it is that it rhymes. I personally hate lyrics that rhyme. To me, it lessens the quality of the writing. And that might sound retarded, but that's only my opinion. So don't worry about it. :thumb: Nice idea behind the song, and it flows well too. I enjoyed reading it. :D 8/10.


Could you leave a comment on my newest?
http://musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=374719
-Thanks.


I will visit your song too, thanks.

I tend to write a lot of poetry and it RARELY EVER rhymes, but I would say at least 70% of the song lyrics I ever put down did. I guess for me in poetry, where I think the expression has to flow from a place that's unfettered by the need to "make something fit", etc. rhyming sorta lessens the quality for me sometimes too. In song lyrics, however, I don't feel like I have to be as eloquent, but I know what you're saying. I'll try and find some tunes I wrote that don't rhyme.