We Hid And They Sang From Afar

[factor46]

Back with a new piece. Please critique. :D


We Hid And They Sang From Afar

Cowering behind palm fronds, as if they covered me well,
I hurt, they helped, we shared our thoughts.
Watch out! The kids are on their way,
Look out! Never glance away.
And we hear whistling in the distance,
But we pay no mind.
Most of the time we just come up with lies,
Next time around, I'll be sure to make up a better one.
Friendless, it seems too subtle,
Using nature for a shield, it's got to be monotony.
But repetition is no excuse for insanity.
Yes, you heard it from me, we don't accept your currency.
Just listen to the pianos play,
Synchronizing themselves, pretending to be off-key.
Watch out! Those kids have finally made it.
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EDIT - Please don't leave a one-sentence critique telling me that it doesn't make sense. Thanks.

[aerialrevenge]

Im not sure i completely followed any of it. But i'm also not sure i was supposed to. It might be okay with some good music, but I don't know how you would sing it. It's not really in song form, so maybe it's poety. I guess if you want a crit, I would say, make it more easy to follow, break it down into a song, maybe put a chorus in it, explain some of the things you bring up (like the kids you talk of). Kudos on keeping the meaning of the song mysterious though... people seem to like that for some reason.
5/10 for a song, 7/10 for a mysterious poem.

[factor46]

It is a song. There is no chorus really. Read and listen to Norma Jean, then you'll know what I'm talking about. Thanks for the comments though.

And I don't usually explain the meanings behind my songs..


More crits would be really helpful and appreciated. :thumb:

[only_in_dreams723]

i like it alot. really awesome. i have no clue what it meant, but i like songs like that, that only the person who wrote it knows what it means. the only thing i didnt like it was the way, and away rhyme. and the monotony, currency, and insanity rhyme. youd be able to pull off all free verse with this one. good job.

[factor46]

Haha, I didn't even notice the "monotony, currency, and insanity" rhyme. Oh well. The one with away and way though, was purposeful.
Thanks for the comments man. :D

[ozzfest05]

it seemed like it lacked rythm and it wasnt concistent i didnt really get the total idea of the song, you should focus on keeping a main idea and sticking with it.

[PunkyMcEmo]

i assume this is poetry or structureless songwriting?
ummm. i dont really like. i had no idea what it meant, and personally, i think that the point of songwriting is to express the emotion and feeling the writer is experiencing in the clearest, most entertaining way possible. if nobody can understand what youre saying in your song, or even get an idea, its a pretty bad song.
complete personal opinion there.

[factor46]

it seemed like it lacked rythm and it wasnt concistent i didnt really get the total idea of the song, you should focus on keeping a main idea and sticking with it.

Okay, so you don't get it. Therefore, you don't know if I stuck with one idea throughout the song. Which, by the way, I did. Thanks for the comment. :thumb:


if nobody can understand what youre saying in your song, or even get an idea, its a pretty bad song.

So you're saying that my song is "pretty bad" because YOU don't understand it? Sorry dude, but that's crap. Just because the writer may be the only one who really knows what he's saying in the piece, doesn't make it bad. Sometimes that makes the song uncritiquable, but not bad. Please think before you say something like that next time. Thanks for the read though.

[f46drums]

AHHHHH NICK whats up dude... Kudos on the song dude, I thought it was awesome. I wish i had half the talent my buddy over here has with song writing lol.. Well see ya at school monday.

[Wannabe Steve Harris]

Ok, well let me first try and start with something positive...

I remember when I went to school at San Diego state I had an hour long arguement with a professor about what "poetry" was and if it could be defined in some clear cut way. He eventually agreed that poetry, possibly, could be subject to anyone's own personal interpretation and emotional connection. He still believed, however, that most poetry follows a certain set of rules and is pleasing to the ear even if not always making sense. So, your song may undoubtedly fall into the "poetic" category.

However, in this particular song I am not feeling any natural rhythm and because I don't know what the song is about, I can't really make any connection to words/phrasing. As I mentioned in my reply post to your critique of my lyric, I don't think things always have to rhyme but at the same time, if they do not, they have to be able to flow or wrap themselves nicely around the sound in a song. In this case I am not getting that vibe. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean it can't be done. I have been proven wrong before and I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

[fender16strat]

its got good points but needs editing. got some flow and ryme problems but if u work it out it could turn out nice crit my songs "life a second time around" if u get a chance please

[factor46]

Ok, well let me first try and start with something positive...

I remember when I went to school at San Diego state I had an hour long arguement with a professor about what "poetry" was and if it could be defined in some clear cut way. He eventually agreed that poetry, possibly, could be subject to anyone's own personal interpretation and emotional connection. He still believed, however, that most poetry follows a certain set of rules and is pleasing to the ear even if not always making sense. So, your song may undoubtedly fall into the "poetic" category.

However, in this particular song I am not feeling any natural rhythm and because I don't know what the song is about, I can't really make any connection to words/phrasing. As I mentioned in my reply post to your critique of my lyric, I don't think things always have to rhyme but at the same time, if they do not, they have to be able to flow or wrap themselves nicely around the sound in a song. In this case I am not getting that vibe. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean it can't be done. I have been proven wrong before and I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

First off, I'm planning on going to San Diego state. That's pretty awesome. Second, thanks for that input. I understand what you're saying, and that leads me to believe that I should edit my song and make my future songs where its easier to connect with the readers and not so jumbly.

[Wannabe Steve Harris]

First off, I'm planning on going to San Diego state. That's pretty awesome. Second, thanks for that input. I understand what you're saying, and that leads me to believe that I should edit my song and make my future songs where its easier to connect with the readers and not so jumbly.

That's great, SDSU! I think the instructors name was Dr. Pimbu or something like that. Pretty cool guy overall, taught creative writing, poetry, etc.

I always found with poetry, and this of course goes for songwriting too, the best way to get better is to KEEP WRITING, and of course taking some of the criticism and applying it once in a while too. Good luck.

[factor46]

Well thank you.